Existence

Just livin and trying to be happy… maybe.

[z-zzz-z]

Have you ever felt completely calm in a bad situation?

Today I almost got into a serious car crash. I could have very well died if not be severely injured. I was lucky enough to make it out without a single scratch on my car.

There was construction but everyone was going at a decent pace as there will still two lanes open going in either direction. I was a fairly good distance from the person in front of me and drove as I always did. A sign on the side of the road caught my attention and I glanced away for a second to catch the whole sentence. That’s when it all went wrong. The truck in front of me hit it’s breaks and I had just barely looked back in time to be no less than 5 feet from crashing into them. I swerved right into and empty spot between them and the cones. But not wanting to run off the road I pulled it back to the left, my tires skidding and my back end fishtailing as I fight to keep my car on a straight path. I pulled right and left and right I don’t know how many times. Finally I came to a stop with the truck pulling past as if they were afraid i would almost hit them again. The person behind me was stopped a good distance back and I just slowly pulled forward back into traffic. It was the strangest feeling of my life. I had just gone through that experience but I was completely calm as if I knew it would be like that. My heart and hands were steady and a calm just washed over me as I continued on my way. A little farther back this time though.

The strangest part of it all is that it almost slipped my mind that this happened as I went on with my usual day. As if it was simply a bad dream that began to disperse as sleep left my mind.

[z-zzz-z]

Today while i was at the mall I decided to just sit and watch my surroundings for a bit.

I saw a girl getting her first ear piercing with her friend and mom. I saw a boy happily surprise his girlfriend after searching for her for nearly 10 minutes. (he was pacing around so much it was hard NOT to notice him.) I saw two little girls having the time of there lives trying on some sunglasses at a little shop. A group of boys probably on a weekly hang out to the mall just laughing as they ate. An old couple holding hands and strolling happily as if they were back in their 20’s.

It’s such a strange feeling, witnessing all of these small moments without actually being a part of them. It still makes you smile though, seeing how much joy these simple actions hold. Moments that will long be forgotten by everyone present in a matter of days.

But the joy will linger. It will echo in the hearts of those who witnessed it, because it happened, and there’s no changing that.

The song currently playing ^

[z-zzz-z]

Sometimes I think, “man I am FIERCE! I’m a lion that demands respect.”

Aaaaaand then my inner reality check kicks in. “Your about as fierce as a miniature marshmallow you depressed bitch, now get back to work.”

Yes, what wonderful self motivation. *cry*

[z-zzz-z]

The feeling when you finally start talking to people and having fun, but then they all get busy with their own lives and no one can talk anymore. So you just sit there in an empty room, the numbing silence filling your ears as you hold back tears in hopes that someone will join you and take away this lonely pain.

[z-zzz-z]

Today I wanted to disappear into the nothingness as I stared at the sky. Sometimes you feel like the world is as small as your four walls, so the tiniest thing feels like the end of the world. Other times, the world feels so big that it seems like nothing matters because you are just a speck on a speck of dirt.

But that’s ok. As long as I can do something that makes me happy or makes someone else smile, I’m ok with just being a speck.

[z-zzz-z]

Why is it that the less I sleep the sadder I am, but the sadder I am the less I want to sleep?

Huh… welp, guess I’ll go eat a pop tart.

The song currently playing ^

[z-zzz-z]

I’m tired.

This will just be a journal feel free to read my madness.

Who knows maybe I’ll makes you feel like your not alone in this depression.