I've been having a hard time adjusting to college and was talking to a friend when he asked for more information about how I was feeling. It kind of goes off topic but if you would like more insight on how I'm doing currently, read on. Fair warning it's a bit long.
For as long as I can remember my brother has been an alcoholic and a recluse. He's around 35, still lives at home, and is working at a job that pays a few dollars over minimum wage. When he isn't at work, he's in his room, and usually doesn't come out unless he wants food, or is inebriated enough to tackle conversation. I never liked to think about it too much because I see so much of myself in him. We have a similar sense of humor and share many of the same mannerisms, The way we both tend to leave sentences half finished, or our minimalistic way of communicating. We both love movies and have a passion for music, as well as the fact that we both play a lot of video games. Those things aren't inherently bad but it's the way both of us took advantage of them that always worried me; preferring to spend a drive with headphones in as opposed to talking with friends, or choosing to play a video game or watch a movie over making plans and going out. I would see myself doing these things and then would look at him doing the exact same, it always scared me thinking that someday I might end up like him. So I made plans to go to college and get an education so I could have a future. I never thought though that in my attempt to run from the path he was on, and saw myself heading towards I would end up realizing exactly what got him stuck there.
It's been a week now that I've been away at college and immersed in a whole new environment. 12 hours away from the place I've called home for my entire life and only connected by Sprint's sporadic cell service. As an introvert, and someone who suffers from depression and social anxiety, this has been a drastic change, and a hard one to weather. Despite my best efforts to make friends, all I really have to show for it is a "Hey", or "Hows it going?" from the occasional face that doesn't seem completely foreign. For a long time now I've classified myself as a lonely person, but I don't think I've ever truly understood what that meant until this last week, and that's when I started to understand my brother. My brother did attend community college on and off for a short time but never long enough to graduate. I assumed that it was because he wasn't he didn't have the mind for higher education, even though I was constantly being told by my family how smart he was.
Today after not leaving my dorm for 20 hours, skipping meals because it would mean sitting alone in the dinning hall, and leaving my door shut and locked because i couldn't stand to see my floor mates walking past smiling and laughing with the fiends they've made, I finally realized that it wasn't my brothers mind, but his heart that couldn't handle a fresh start. I understood what it was like for everyone you had spent your life with to disappear, and then to be thrust into a new world with with unfamiliar faces. It's like being born again without your parents, or even a kind stranger to make sure that you're okay.
I finally started to see the patient instead of the disease.
I get now how easy it is to isolate yourself rather than step out and accept that a part of your life is over. I understand how easy it would be to seek the comfort of alcohol or another substance to ease the pain of loneliness. Ironically, in my attempt to distance myself from the path of my brother I was able to look on it from a point of empathy rather than judgement.
in conclusion I just want to say that I'm sorry Johnny, I should have been a better brother, I should have understood, I should have cared.
vaporwave
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
gracieabrams
gamechangershow
