où sont les mignons

Hi, I'm Zadie. I think people are cute.

[zadieelovesyou]

I've always been attracted to women.

One of my earliest memories is seeing a girl on the playground who had a red ribbon in her hair and wanting to hold her hand because she was pretty.

I always knew I liked girls. It came so naturally and without question, and so I believed all girls liked girls. What I didn't know and grew to learn was that I would face discrimination for simply allowing myself to embrace these feelings.

My freshman year of high school, my best friend told me she was bisexual. I had never heard this term before. She explained it meant that she thought girls were pretty. I was confused. Didn't everyone think that? No. Apparently not.

I started to question myself. Did this mean I wasn't normal? I confided in my friend and told her that I was also attracted to women. And that was that. The next year, she told me her bisexuality was just a phase. She only liked men now.

"Just a phase." I began to encounter bi erasure. Opening up about my sexuality became frustrating. "It's a stepping stone to being gay." "You'll end up with a man." "You're dating a man? That means you chose and now you're straight."

Being with either men or women came with a set of complications as well. Men would claim it's hot, and that if I was with a woman, it wouldn't be considered cheating. Women would refuse to date me on the basis that I would end up leaving them for a man.

When I finally came out to my mother, it broke my heart. She told me she would never accept or support this side of me.

And that was that. I gave up dating women, and I focused my attention on being solely with men.

I met several amazing women who I could potentially date, but chose men who were bland in comparison. Because they were men and my mother and society would approve.

But I just can't do it anymore.

I have suppressed myself for so long, but I'm finally ready to embrace and love myself. And finally be free to love who I want to love.

[zadieelovesyou]

I've been making TikTok videos to cope. It gives me an outlet for my emotions, keeps me busy, and gives me an excuse to put something other than yoga pants on. Maybe it's not the healthiest coping mechanism, but for now, it's helped keep me sane.

A trend I've noticed going around is comparing exes. I know it's not healthy to compare, but it's made me reflect on my past relationships.

Maybe it's harsh, but I don't really count my first relationship. We dated for 6 months during my senior year, and it was long distance. We fought a lot, and were never actually in love.

Years down the road, I met my first love. We took time building a friendship and fell in love slowly. He's the only one I ever truly loved. Unfortunately, my mental health took a severe dive (thanks birth control), and we found ourselves wanting different things. This breakup tore me apart. But looking back, it was necessary.

Almost immediately, I threw myself at an old friend. We were a terrible match, and my mental health was at an all time low. When this relationship ended, I finally realized I needed help, and I checked myself into the ER, which was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

A few months down the road, I met my most recent partner. Convinced I was healthy, we began dating, and I wanted it to be different, because I felt I was different - better, if you will - and if this relationship failed, maybe I was failing at being healthy. Things ended last week - for the better - and I've come to the realization that I should take some time to be single. I want to grow on my own. I'm tired of defining myself through someone else's eyes.

I am enough. I've always preferred external validation, but I need to learn to stand on my own. And I'm happy I've finally made it here.

[zadieelovesyou]

A week ago, my relationship came to a screeching halt. I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. It had certainly felt different than previous breakups, but to be fair, every breakup has felt different.

I had spent this relationship under the impression that it was healthy. After spending time reflecting, I realized it wasn't.

A little over 2 years ago, my father passed away. And just like that, my family slowly fell apart. It gathered like dust. Little by little. We didn't notice it happening, and then it became hard to ignore. We became neglectful to each other and to ourselves. During this quarantine, we've slowly put ourselves back together. I'm ashamed of how bad we let things get, but I'm proud of us for finally allowing ourselves to heal.

[zadieelovesyou]

I wish I was a better writer. I wish I could string words together seamlessly to articulate the raw and painful feelings I've been experiencing.

But the truth is, I'm shit at expressing myself. I feel empty. I feel lonely. I lack inspiration and I constantly feel like a cheap knockoff of something special.

I relive my past and I yearn for my future and I can't seem to focus on the present. I feel split wide open, vulnerable yet completely misunderstood.

Will this ever cease? Please lie to me and tell me it will get better.

[extramadness]

[zadieelovesyou]

Soul Mates

My uncle said that when two souls meant to be meet, it's an unparalleled feeling. He says that the souls already know each other and so it's not a meeting, it's a reunion.

I'm starting to think he must be right. Meeting you feels like coming home. It feels like every bad move and every wrong turn led me here. It feels meant to be. Nothing has ever felt so right.

[zadieelovesyou]

I really hope it's you.

[spaceborderline]

[zadieelovesyou]

Strangers, Lovers, Strangers.

Isn't it weird how a complete stranger can become your closest confidante, and in the blink of an eye, return to being a stranger?

That's you.

We met. I thought it was the start of something special. We messaged all day and then deep into the night. We grew close and shared secrets. We started planning a future. And then one day was our last. We slowly stopped sending messages to one another. And then one day, none.

Silence can be so deafening.

[zadieelovesyou]

Goodbyes.

It's weird. You never really know when you're facing a last moment.

Death is strange. It's unexpected and it rarely provides any warning, even though we live every day knowing one day will be our last.

My dad was sick long before I was born. I'd spent nearly my entire life preparing for something I could never properly prepare for.

I still remember our last day together. We hadn't gotten along in ages, and his brother dropped him off at my apartment. He didn't tell me, but I found out he had felt so unwanted. None of his siblings had wanted to take him in. I wish I could go back in time and tell him he was welcome. I wish a lot of things had been different. He was hungry, so I warmed up my leftovers. It was all I had. It didn't take long before he forgot who I was, and my mother took him to the hospital. He fell into a deep sleep on the way there and died a few days later.

I was there when it happened. I can't get the image out of my head. I can still see it so clearly when I close my eyes.

Blue lights flashing above my father's hospital door. The room over flooding with people. A large man trying to restart my father's heart. His ribs breaking. His body - lifeless. They said he died peacefully.

The room emptied and time stood still. I walked in and held his hand for as long as I could. I never wanted it to grow cold. I prayed for him to open his eyes. And it hurt to know he never would.

[imagination]

The End of the F***ing World

[zadieelovesyou]

Firsts & Lasts

I like to reflect upon my memories.

I often close my eyes and replay moments in my head. Lately I've been reminiscing about first and last moments I've had with unforgettable individuals.

For example, I saw my first love across the room at my first real job. My boss pointed him out to me. He was transferring departments and joining our team. Later that day, he walked into the elevator and I said hi to him, using his name, completely forgetting we hadn't actually met yet. Months later, he told me he thought I was beautiful in that moment. He left that elevator stunned, forgetting to ask for my name.

Fast forward to our last moment. I had no idea I'd never see him again, and if I knew, I would have held him tighter. I would have fought exhaustion harder. I was half asleep because we'd spent the day at Disneyland. I sleepily murmured, "I love you" and gave him a quick kiss. And then he was gone.

I've been thinking about moments like these because very recently I had another last moment. This time was different. I knew it was a last moment. I walked up, nervous, expressionless, and longing to wrap things up as quickly and painlessly as possible. You see, it was an awkward exchange of items. I was bringing him a toaster he'd asked for. He walked toward me, and I hadn't expected him to look so sad. So wistful. It hurt. Someone I'd loved so dearly, so very clearly in pain. I wanted to reach out and hug him. But it wouldn't have been right. So I coldly said goodbye and walked away, refusing to stop and turn back.

[zadieelovesyou]

Self-loathing

It sucks to have a mental illness. There isn't anything cute or whimsical about it.

It's draining and it is a 24/7 internal war.

I am constantly working on being normal and I am constantly apologizing for failing to be like everyone else.

And I hate that I crave intimacy. I hate that I want love.

I wish I could validate myself.

I know I'm supposed to love the highs, but the lows are just too soul sucking.

I just want to be free of this pain.

[zadieelovesyou]

Frayed Stitches

When I was much younger, my mother took my bedroom door away. She deemed privacy a privilege I no longer deserved. This warped my worldview and I became an open book. My pages worn from being flipped through time and time again.

Not only have I always been open, but I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I stitch it on to others. And I've learned that this is a dangerous game. The fabric has become frayed from trusting people time and time again, only to always end the same way - waving goodbye to someone walking the other way. Waiting with my heart in hand, hoping they turn around - and always collapsing to the floor and realizing they're never coming back.

I love reading and writing. My passion for writing recently reignited and the flame - fingers crossed - eternal.

I've opened up and written on a number of different social media platforms. But this is the one space I never mention and never share. It's for me and me alone.

And I want to use it to say this - my heart aches and I don't want anyone to know. And I just want it to stop. I would give so much to just stop.

[zadieelovesyou]

Vulnerability

I had been staring down at my hands. I never knew what to do with them, and often hid them away in my jean pockets.

I saw you in my rearview mirror, walking up to the store where we agreed to meet. I walked up a moment later and reached out my hand. You held both arms open and smiled. We laughed the night away, sharing stories.

On the second date, I carried a basket to your door, still unsure of myself. That day, we laughed some more, and I held your hand in mine. Everything felt right.

Days later, you cast me aside. I wasn't a good fit. And now I'm staring at my hands again, unsure of myself, and feeling more vulnerable than before.

[zadieelovesyou]

A feelings post.

I didn't expect to like anyone this much this quickly. I've never felt so comfortable so fast, and so overwhelmed with joy. And it scared me. I didn't want to get hurt. I couldn't imagine losing that. And so I did what I always do when things get scary - I pushed you away and locked my heart away for good. I know in my heart you're going to be the one who got away. And the regret is already so incredibly strong.

[kpfun]

Last Christmas (2019) dir. Paul Feig