decentre everyone + centre yourself / 'god'
hello, conscious beings on their decentring journeys! it's been a while since I came here, but I wanted to talk about the topic of centring yourself since it's been on my mind for quite a while, showing up a lot in my daily life through different facets, including ofc my decentring men journey (but not limited to it!)
✦ why decentre
✦ what to decentre
✦ why centring self = centring god
✦ how externally centred are you
✦ how to decentre
cultivating the power to purely focus on yourself is obviously beneficial, but here are a the main reasons that motivate me to continue working on that muscle!
when you centre other opinions, thoughts, validation, etc. you are basically creating mental shortcuts to evaluating your surroundings. you let people decide FOR YOU what a situation or even a random piece of clothing means, instead of deciding the meaning for yourself. this frequent mental off-loading leads to a lack of critical thinking, uninformed decisions, & limited beliefs about the world: you become more likely to stereotype those around you or judge a situation based on preconceived notions that you did NOT consent to having! also, people who pedestalise others over themselves tend to be much easier to fool or use, think ads that target your insecurities or politicians that appeal to bigoted rhetoric.
now tell me: how many times did you wanna do something, but you went back & forth on it, over & over & OVER, cos you were worried about what they might think or say? isn't it fucking annoying? especially when you finally do the thing and... it's no big deal! that's because catering to the outside noise is just a waste of fucking time & energy! it's very freeing to live life on your own terms; very peaceful to do someting because you wanted to do, not to earn validation points. instead of wondering how you look like or what opinion they're gonna have of you, you could simply be living your best life and leveling it up to your own tastes!
now that we understand why we gotta decentre, how about we decide what are we gonna decentre. you don't have to do all these rn, at least not yet, but here's a list for you to select from:
⟡ genders, races / ethnicities, professions, income levels, & other social identities you're attracted to: examples of that are decentring men, whiteness, gold collars, and rich people. don't blindly love / hate a specific groups, especially not based on "preferences" you didn't actually choose!
⟡ similarly, social identities you're part of, for example choosing to be a "girl's girl" or aligning yourself with people of your race or sexual orientation to appease your own communities or to other / attack those who you don't belong. ofc there are reasons to defend those who share your identity, but every lived experience should be evaluated on case-by-case basis. don't take the mental shortcut when getting to know someone or casting a judgement.
⟡ age & milestones, such as how your 20s 'should look like' or when you 'should get married.' this one was hard for me to clock. I realised that for a long time I haven't allowed myself to live fully cos it didn't look the way it's 'supposed' to look, not even taking into consideration why I was choosing to live differently. age is just an age, not a checkpoint. would you prefer to live 50 years hustling & bustling to meet these societal expectations or live a 100 years slowly, learning what nourishes & fulfills you?
⟡ society, its rules, & its validation: this includes what is 'popular' or 'right.' as a former people pleaser, this path is genuinely a lonely & empty one. good luck trying to satisfy everyone while ignoring the most important person in your life!
⟡ your parents, family, friends, & close social circle. I seperated this from society because I get it: disappointment & judgement from those you know & love hits much harder. but I am here to tell you that every time I went against my parent's wishes, every time I said what I actually thought in a friend group, every time I acted as me I have never regretted it. don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness. otherwise you're gonna be endlessly asking yourself for forgivenss at the end of your life.
⟡ and lastly, any religions or ideologies that centre any of the above (esp. men, authority, or a specific group of people).
✦ why centring self = centring god
as a little (?) tangent, I would like to address why centring yourself is not seperate from, but rather the same as centring god (or its equivelant for you, such as source or the universe). when you're too focused on the world, you miss god. you can't see the forest if you're too busy picking apart every tree & centring it in your life.
based on my observations, people who choose to either centre themselves or centre god end up with similar results: they shift towards inward focus instead of outward, and they become okay with or without the external validation for their actions, beliefs, or identities. they pedestalise themselves. and with that, they pedestalise god.
moreover, your relationship with god is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself & vice versa. how you see god is how you see life & how you see yourself in relation to it.
example: you know you deserve happiness → you receive a life of joy → you see god as benevolant.
you can also flip it the other way around: you see god as vengeful → you see life as hard & full of 'tests' → you believe you are a sinner who needs to sufferrrr (elmo burning in hell meme popped up as I wrote that lol).
centring god means centring YOUR own compass, judgement, & morals. organised religions might claim to speak for god but god doesn't need an intermediary to talk to you. if your religous / spiritual background doesn't centre you, question whether it actually centres god.
✦ how externally centred are you
if you're excited to start centring yourself but are not sure how much you centre others, here are general ways to measure that:
⟡ notice how often you check for others: how often do you refresh for likes, texts, etc? how often do you observe yourself from an outsider's pov? or how often do you wait for others opinion on something before you form your own?
⟡ watch your thoughts: how much of it is about others or their opinions + how many shoulds, social rules, etc. are you applying to your life
⟡ do a whole life audit: evaluate what you do daily, what you wear, how you act, how you speak, how you think, etc.. then ask: who / what is the cause behind that? is it based on your genuine desires or a need to validate someone?
andddd now to the actual application of this post! here are your tips to decentring all & centring self!
⟡ become self devoted: build your worth, stop trying to gain anyone's approval, be yourself unapologetically, speak your truth, understand that you are your own trophy, & live for yourself as the prize you are!
⟡ practice thinking more about yourself: get to know who you really are. also, actually talk to yourself (not someimaginary audience). centre yourself in your fantasies (not a man or some type of saviour, for instance).
⟡ map out your authentic self: visualise & journal on her (his / their) mindset, aura, daily life, how she feels & thinks, her attitude, her appearance, etc. come back to these writings whenever you forget who you truly are.
⟡ redefine your goals for your social, romantic, & platonic interactions: make the unconscious patterns in how you relate to others into conscious standards of conduct to abide by. standards examples: you're not gonna have a long-term crush on someone who doesn't seem interested, you will always consult yourself before others, etc.
⟡ build a life & a blueprint based on what YOU want: not what's deemed "acceptable" or "aspirational" by others, get hobbies that actually match your interests, plan your daily routines & weekly schedules based on your authentic life plan, be willing to go for the life of your dreams with or without others approval.
⟡ analyse every choice you make & why you made it: a good tool for that is the 7 levels of why (basically ask why over & over until you reach the root cause). you can also pick apart situations where you failed to centre yourself & analyse why you reacted that way. the more you do it, the better you will understand what you're looking for in these interactions, whether it is attention, intimacy, support, sisterhood, peace, no judgement, etc.
⟡ treat centring others like it's an addiction (cos it is): cut out all of its sources. any time you feel like you're doing something from someone else's validation, end it. also, understand that, at first, it will feel uncomfortable & lonely. anticipate the withdrawal symptoms, & work around them, finding healthier coping mechanisms (spiritually & mentally & somatically).
⟡ fix your media diet: stop consuming music, TV, books, videos that encourages centring anyone but self, such as sad girl music, male gaze-y media, guides on how to "win" someone over, etc. in the same regard, consume media that encourages centring self: follow people who talk about your passions, watch shows with characters that you aspire to be like, read books for your own enjoyment or improvement, listen to empowering music, etc.
⟡ change the conversations you have with other people: if yall's conversations are centred around others, their lives, or their opinions, CUT THAT SHIT OUT. talk about yourselves instead & explore each other on deeper level! (vulnerability is good in the right doses).
⟡ do one act of courage every day: act on the most insane idea you can think of which excites you & allows you to live more authentically. where that fit, join that group, go to that place, date that person, say that opinion (fuck these imaginary social validation points).
thanks for reading! lmk if this helped you & where you're at in your decentring journey <3
