ZamaZay

Intersectional poet of the queer sorts. Tired of your shit, but love to spread the love.

[zamazay-blog]

Ladybuggin’

“You’re laying next to me

I next to you

In a bed of post-sex sighs and melting ecstasy

Simmering down in between soft cotton sheets

White walls and our two bodies

Limbs intertwined - eyes interlocked.

I have your attention

I have your green and brown freckled eyes

I have your imagination

(I know you fantasizing about me)

Giving each other everything - we have nothing left.

Vulnerable and naked

But warm - enjoying this freedom now.

But something moves on the wall

And you look to see

A ladybug crawling along the whiteness

Between our two figures

Unaware it’s an intruder

Unaware it has power

And it has your attention

And it has your green and brown freckled eyes

And it has your imagination.

And...I am...jealous.

But  how?

Over you dotted spot on the wall.

Oh so small and fragile.

I could stop your very existence

With the slight squeeze of my finger

But I am jealous.

That you took 2 and made it 3

That you took her eyes and made them yours

Interrupting the perfect and good and right

How dare you miss ladybug.

Shimmying your way up the wall

You lady who happens to be a bug.

Could be that lady in the club.

With bouncing ass, small waist

Thick hair and legs to match.

Roses patterned all up her thighs.

Then what...

Would she have your attention

Would she have your green and brown freckled eyes?

Would she have your imagination?

Would you be ladybuggin’?

These are reasons I worry

Reasons I proclaim jealousy

Over something that they eye can barely see

And I know you loyal, loyal, loyal.

But if a bug can grab your eye, than can’t a woman?

You’re the real thing babe

And if I lose your eyes, I lose you.

My brain can’t un-train what I have been taught

That us women are competition

And if I’m not best, than I am benched.

In a game of bigger breasts and asses

But he don’t want no stripper

Only women of the highest classes

Men play a different game

Maybe he out of your league

But who the hell set these rules?

Are we in a world where men say run and we say where?

Women - players of opposing teams?

And when we are up to bat, we pray

We get a home run or give that bitch a black eye

Just for being in our way

Playing dirty if it means winning

A game that is rigged.

He names the winner with the tightest pussy.

If this is the game,I throw in the towel.

I leave this ladybuggin culture.

I walk out the door before

I beg you to not walk out first.

Before I look in the mirror again

Ask myself if my stretch marks are the right kind

If my ass is as good as the next Becky

I’m not ready to play some silly game

White girl, submissive attitude, no.

Don’t you know I am already the champ?

And these women next to me are the MVPs?

I’m trying to escape this mentality

Join another team

Where sisterhood is the real game

Sisters of all sizes, colors, shapes

Transcended into love and acceptance

Can stop the violence between each other

Stop the degradation of ourselves

We are not at war with our bodies

Because they are all God-given. Natural.

OG. One and only.

Gap teeth, crooked smile, kinky hair.

Because the pain we feel

Ain’t us.

It’s men, it’s systems, it’s society.

And because who else can hold us up.

But my lady crew and not this ladybuggin’

It’s ain’t that hard to see,

That me and you are supposed to be...this way.

With no rules….just do it...Nike. “

-lindsaycatastrophe  

[zamazay-blog]

Moose Lake

“The sun is lifted

Over the arc of cold land

Every morning - never missed

And how I do not know

But it warms us

Seeps into every crevice

That once was dark

But now is renewed

Oh I love walking towards

That sun

Trying to come close

To its radiance

I step upon hardened snow

That is just beginning to melt

And reveal life

Of pressed green grass

Reaching the shore

Along frozen lake

I see that I

Will not be able to touch the sun

So I stand tall

And reach for it

Wondering if the water

Can be walked upon

Or if I like the sun

Will be lifted by unknown

And carried toward

My beacon of hope

My reminder of “you can live another day”

And “you can do it well”

I close my eyes 

See golden hues

Enlighten my lids

Glowing like the womb

I say a little prayer

To either divine Sun

or that which lifts it

I praise all the above and this day

I am protected

By Her, by nature

And this is enough

To arise for the day.”

[zamazay-blog]

Morning Worship

“Floating out of feather covers

Stepping slowly into rays of sun

Cascading along soft carpet

Eyes fluttering open and close

Guided by the light

To greet a new day

From the spout

Water rushes over me

Runs along the curve of my back

Runs through the crease

Between thick thighs and hips

Some sort of wonderful

Some sort of renewal

Washing the sorrows of an old day

Away. Down the drain

Throwing soft cotton towels to the floor

I adorn myself in shea, coconut, honeysuckle, patchouli 

Names of the ladies of strength, protection, patience, beauty

A shield to the world that wants weakness

That tells woman to try harder and be ashamed

Standing naked and lathered, I am no coward 

I am ready for battle.

I caress the very nakedness that is

‘This is it’ I imagine

My calloused hands infused with oil

Grip below my overflow of ass

Gentle rubbing its bulbous presence

I move my fingers upwards

Smoothing curves of so much Grace

I should call them divine

Hallelujah, they seem to shout as I touch them - praise them.

I embrace my strong shoulders and chest

Nestle my small breasts with peach nipples in hands

I sing for joy as I shake my tendris dry

Inhale sweet scents emitting from my very being

This is how I worship

In the alone hours of first sunlight

First chirp of birds and the tapping of branches on my window

Bare in my own company

When it is us woman devalued and dehumanized

I will worship myself

And start every day in gratitude

That I have lived another day

In this sacred body

And promise to nourish it the way no one else can (or will)

Like a rosary,

I will count all my blessings

And say a little prayer

Starting from my tingling toes up to my golden crown.

I am a sum of my parts.

I am queen.

I am woman.

And We will be...praised.”

-lindsaycatastrophe

[zamazay-blog]

“Your doubts in Us. Remind me how much I really need you.  I never should have complained.”

[zamazay-blog]

Like a Bee to Honey

“Inhaling your very breath

Sweet scents entirely yours

Can I steal them for just a moment

Intoxication that fades too fast

Do you notice how I linger

When we kiss

Just to snatch another sniff

Of divine you.

And all the goodness that oozes

From your pores of honeycomb

Wild honey and lilac blooms

And I am just a bee

Who seeks to perch on you

Stuffed with rose dew and flower dust

A sticky mess of deliciousness ensues. 

When I flee the hive at sunrise bliss

I know I’ll return back to you

Giving you dandelion kisses

The buttery pollen of a hard day’s work

And all my gratitude will be to you

I love your creation

That sweetness you give

You taught me to believe in myself

And to see the honey that drips

From my lips too

The good that spreads through me

And lights the way

Like a beacon to shore

I can look in the mirror

And see I am creation too

Product of something magnificent...

Here I am...Good.”

[zamazay-blog]

How strange it is to lose a game, you didn’t know you were even playing.

[zamazay-blog]

I said that you said.

I don’t know what you said but...

Exactly.

You said it.

You don’t know what I said.

So before you tell me to regret being myself...

Maybe ask me what I said...

And then maybe you can commence judgement.

On how a person ought to live.

On how I ought to not be myself.

On how to right a wrong that maybe you just write is a wrong.

On how I said something you think I said that I didn’t even say.

I don’t know what you said but...

I should ask you what you said

Before I say what I say.

[zamazay-blog]

Dad is essentially homeless

Dad is essentially homophobic

Just want to pray and pray and pray for something - to something out there.

I am just tired

I am just confused

I am just still and restless all at once

I just want answers.

Mom is essentially beautiful

Mom is essentially precious

She gives hope and strength

She brings tears and love

My eyes are red and my head hurts again....

-lindsaycatastrophe

[zamazay-blog]

Expectations

“When you start setting expectations for her, you are putting her inside a smaller and smaller box each day and hoping she will become the perfectly wrapped, packaged gift you always wanted but never needed.”

-lindsaycatastrophe 

#relationships #lesbian #love #expectations #dreams #reality #pain

[zamazay-blog]

“Her tears made you mad because you couldn’t handle what you had done.”

- lindsaycatastrophe

#relationships #love #careful #tears #pain

[zamazay-blog]

Duality

“I think I lost it

I let myself believe

That the world is black and white

Masc and femme

This or that

I think a spotlight was put on me

Reminding me we have roles to perform

Life might just be a stage

I am still a white woman behind the curtain

I think I forgot that there is dark matter

Things we cannot see

Lying on some spectrum in between it all

Beyond it all

Is seeing believing?

I think I put you in a box

I put me in a box

Two separate boxes for two separate worlds

A box in a box in a box - Matryoshka

Grounded on some solid surface

Aren’t we Universal beings floating in something called space?

Space to be - whatever we want to be.

I think I am lying to myself

I don’t fall to the systems of the our people

Weaving through common crowds

I am different, I am not like them

But I changed my hair, bought that makeup.

Still rely on someone else - tell me my worth

What’s my value in this market?

We know that you are the crutch.

And I am the only solution.

Duality is order

 Adam and Eve

Yin and Yang.

Duality tells me we need light and dark

I think duality says I need you and me

You are them and I am us.

I have a place in this world.

I am who I am.

But who is that?

If society is poison,

What else is there?”

-lindsaycatastrophe

[zamazay-blog]

Gravitating

“If only you knew...

That I wore those thin grey leggings just for you...

Hoping you would say something about the thickness of my thighs

Or that bounce in my step.

I know you like those...

you told me so. Remember?

 I was wearing that nerdy stocking cap and crop top.

Straddled on your lap, playing through your curls.

If I only you knew...

that one little word from you lasts 100 days.

The limit does not exist.

Infinite beauty...endless confidence...

In something good, in something between us.

In an existence where you orbit around me 

And I around you

Grazing my hips past your smooth hands.

You’re pulling me in...slow and steady

Want to be in your atmosphere...

Want to reach that O-Zone.

Lingering eyes, gravity, am I on your mind?

If only you knew...

Something about you keeps me spinning in circles

Until I fall onto soft sheets

Curled up in covers that smell like you.

Inhaling every moment you were here next to me.

Makes me put my hands between my legs just to feel that warmth.

Feel like I’m your favorite Kehlani song

I hope you like the way I move..

The way I am.

I hope you down for me...

Cuz I’m down for you...

If only you knew...”

-lindsaycatastrophe

Copyrighted.

[zamazay-blog]

With trust comes privilege.

With privilege comes power.

If your hand is in my hand, does it make it mine?

If yours is black and mine is white, does it make it right?

If they see our hands intertwined, do I drop mine?

If they see our hands together, do I hold on for the better?

[zamazay-blog]

Stevie Nicks

If I needed to be reminded what a woman of the 70s was, you are it.

Long hair, gypsy spirit, rags to riches

A woman who needed a miracle to happen.

And then realized it was not a miracle that made you.

It was you, and your talent, and your power.

It was you who made Fleetwood Mac.

It was you who reminded girls who they could be.

Told them follow your dreams and tell people to ‘move out of your way’.

Yes, that is you.

Waitress and cleaning lady.

Rockstar and entrepreneur.

You made a name for yourself.

You reminded us why a feminine woman of flowers can have this much control over men - over an industry - over the world.

You are Rhiannon.

A women taken by the wind.

And you are the Gypsy.

Facing freedom with little fear.

I have no fear, I only have love’.

This is all you , Stevie.

And this is my ode to you.

From women all over who found power, beauty, and truth in every “little”  song made in Tom Petty’s basement, Phoenix, and Santa Monica.

May your spirit and voice carry on forever.”

-lindsaycatastrophe

Copyrighted.

[zamazay-blog]

“Put a woman before me, and I will say she is BEAUTY.

All women are beautiful, whether YOU - men of society - can see it or not.

 Through your clouded head of ego and hyper-masculinity

Or your hard dick operating like a metal detector for a thick ass and 28 inch waist.

Just because you cannot SEE it doesn’t mean it is not REAL.”

-lindsaycatastrophe

Copyrighted.

[zamazay-blog]

If I

“If I hold you tight enough between my thick thighs, maybe you’ll stay.

If I wrap my slim fingers around yours long enough, maybe you’ll feel it.

If I put my pink lips on yours just how you like, maybe you’ll know...

Just how much I can’t say goodbye.”

-lindsaycatastrophe

Copyrighted.

[zamazay-blog]

“A woman who worries she is not good enough for you is usually enough good for a lifetime.”

- lesbian proverb by yours truly

-lindsaycatastrophe

Copyrighted.