I typed this late at night so i also like. Missed some things but i think my major thought is that i want to make things now that genuinely make people curious or feel like they can sink their teeth into and that looking back at everything ive done and what people know me for that i feel .. detached from everything ive made so far ?
Like i was just making things because i was a repressed teenager figuring out its okay to even be myself through the lense of homestuck and Thats Okay and its still valuable and ill keep it all here and im glad people can go on similar journeys to myself through what ive made!!
But i think ive just been thinking on my future and now that i know what makes me who i am currently, i can start to choose who i want to be (??) this is genuinely the worlds worst analogy and its not my descent into villainy or seeking fame but like. I want to be in the room where it happens i guess.
Thinking on all the things that inspire me and how they were brought together by the collective effort care and time of so many people i just. That level of human artistic collaboration sounds so!!!!! That feeling of creative understanding and genuine engagement!!! Like the power to reach people where it matters, and how even on the small scale ive already done that. And that. I could be there in that. Not just by myself and not just through something that already has people around it. I could be there for the creation 😦
But i have to like. Have my existence be known first to find the people who also feel similarly creatively. So i think what i was trying to get at is i dont think this platform ive built reflects much of that and i guess id feel bad pivoting from what people wanted of me 😢😢
Its quite a strange feeling, i have these years of my life and artistic evolution that i can See documented with my online footprint but now that ive been uh. Going outside, living alone w no parents and being able to genuinely analyse, understand and internalise art but also just the world ive realised what a small world it is.. and looking back at everything ive made and also just my feelings towards homestuck (mostly the fanspace) i feel like a very different person from the one who was here on this blog a year ago.
Would the word be disillusioned?? And that also like nobody rlly gaf about all this that im worrying about im just an online fandom artist nobody would gaf if i changed😭 but then thats it. And i dont want that to just be an online fandom artist anymore and i want to start anew with something for myself away from all this
But also i feel bad leaving this here in the dust but i dont have a duty owed to be making content for something but this is all im known for. I Think autism and barely being perceived in real life by anyone but my friends skews how i feel being perceived online because it doesnt feel real ?? Obv its real and i get astounded knowing theres a person behind every single icon and action and that so many people have perceived me and that so many people take time out of their day to send me things or comment but i think my lack of noteworthiness in real life bleeds into how i think about myself online into feeling like i mean nothing (which is Wrong and youd think its the opposite but. I guess somewhere that my work gets actually been the first thing that you see about me, that i still feel like another face in the crowd which is wrong!! Sigh. a #MeIssue im sorry)
I dunnaaurrr ill figure it out. I think ive got a path ahead and this is really driving me to actually embrace my own ideas and that ive got a few things up my sleeve that truly feel Me that ill probably be working on for a while. So i think thats where i want to head.
I dont think im looking for answers i think i just wanted to document this ig as like. Context for why ive been gone and why i might not come back on this account🤔
