ZeNFJ

An INFJ trying to reach Enlightenment

[atern-deactivated20180505]

[themiracleforest-deactivated202]

[avazengarden]

[ellafrancessanders-deactivated2]

[nevver]

Ella Frances Sanders

[r2--d2]

tokyo 2013 by jmarnaud

[zenmister]

Reluctant Arsonist and Compassionate Firfighter

Anger is like fire. Fire hurts if you touch it in the wrong way and the more you let it burn the more damage it does. If you suffer from anger, think of yourself as both a reluctant arsonist and a compassionate firefighter. The arsonist part of you keeps setting fires by accident. The firefighter part of you notices fires and puts them out.

Whether you get angry at some petty nonsense, or great injustice, you set a fire. To break the arson habit, to stop anger from arising, you have get good at putting out the fires. When you get good at putting out fires, eventually you will skip the step of starting them.

It is harder to put out fires when they have spread. Think of that first moment of anger as lighting a match. You can blow out a burning match or you can touch it to something to set the house on fire. The trick is to use your breath as soon as the match is struck. When you notice the first impulse of anger, breathe out all of the air in you lungs. Be careful what you do, say and think. If you indulge your anger, you set the house ablaze.

That happens. Once the house is on fire, then it takes time with focused attention and compassionate breathing to stand in the flames. Your thoughts feed the fire. Your long steady breaths protect the house by dousing it with water. Steady breathing in the face of anger brings your body back to a state of rest.

When you are angry, you experience narrow vision and can only see things from one perspective. When you become calmer, your mind opens up and you can see the problem from other perspectives. That is like bringing in help to fight the flames. When you bring in different thought perspectives, the thoughts that were feeding the fire diminish and the thoughts that extinguish the fire take over. Your steady breathing brings you back to calm as the anger passes.

The thoughts that extinguish the fire are not about the right and wrong of whatever made you angry, they are about working with anger and regaining your mind to better approach the right and wrong. They are the thoughts of the firefighter, compassionately observing the fire, isolating it, and putting it out.

The firefighter is filled with compassion. They do not blame the arsonist for starting the fire. They feel their pain as their own and use their available tools, their breath and their thoughts to stop the fire and soothe the pain.

As you learn to inhabit the firefighter you can also fight fires in other people’s anger. When you see anger anywhere, you respond with calm, compassionate breathing rather than by lighting more matches. You notice anger in others as pain and discomfort and you practice isolating and containing the anger rather than blaming the arsonist. The more time you spend inhabiting the firefighter, the better you get at it, and with enough practice, eventually, you can save the arsonist the trouble off all that fire setting.

[infjdoodles]

Should I solve this problem? Is the energy spent worth it? Should I solve this problem? And not ask someone else for help with it. Should I solve this problem? Is this a real solution I bring? Should I solve this problem? And not another problem. Should I solve this problem? Is this as much of a problem as I think it is? Some of the things I try to ask myself, though not frequently enough…

[zenfj]

One question, five different ways to ask, and five different results. 

[infjdoodles]

I can like who I am, even as I have another version of myself I want to become.

[themiracleforest-deactivated202]

[themiracleforest-deactivated202]

[zenfj]

I used to be a part of the BDSM community. I greatly enjoy testing my body’s limits of pain to remind me what my body is capable of. It gave me the understanding that those who outwardly appear to have the least control, have the most power in the dynamic. A submissive is not someone who submits blindly.

While this translated into having sexual boundaries for me, it never translated into understanding relationship and emotional boundaries. At a certain point, I stopped identifying with the BDSM community because I outgrew what they had to teach me. The focus was on physical boundaries, which were incredibly important for me to understand, but there was little education on what emotional boundaries are.

I sat down to write the other day and realized just how many unhealthy relationships I’d been in could fall into a broken sub/Dom paradigm. Recently, I’ve begun understanding my emotional boundaries and asserting my right to have them. People who have “been in power” over me emotionally have not taken it kindly, seen it as rejection of them when it is about managing myself. I have feared losing out on relationships, on connections, that I have allowed myself to be repeatedly taken advantage of emotionally. To assert myself and be told that is unacceptable has been the most difficult thing to face and accept.

When someone says “no” or “leave me alone”, that is an emotional safe word. It’s okay to use your safe word. You shouldn’t have to, but if you do it is okay and should be respected by anyone you let in. If they keep going, keep repeating the cycle, you have every right to end the contract and walk away. 

Taking care of yourself first is the most compassionate act. Part of that is clearly and calmly stating your boundaries when needed. You can’t help others when you aren’t able to help yourself.

[glorfinn]

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant ; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter ; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble ; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs ; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is ; many persons strive for high ideals ; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars ; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata (1952)

[icreatewhatibelieve]

[zenfj]

And you must bear your neighbor's burden within reason And your labors will be borne when all is done And nobody, nobody knows Let the yoke fall from our shoulders Don't carry it all, don't carry it all

[fuckyesmerylstreep]

[zenfj]

It hurts to be told that you’re unacceptable or that a boundary you have is unacceptable. Especially when you’re attempting to do what is right for your life. 

At the same time, I liken it to clearing the weeds from a garden. Or the scum from a pond. In order for the good things to grow or the fish to thrive, you need to clear room. It’s difficult work, but it is worth the effort.

[themiracleforest-deactivated202]