ZeroTalking.com

[zerotalking]

And what does this title mean?

I’m a writer. And it’s a good thing, too. Because the fact is, I write much better than I speak. But that’s not the only thing I am.

Artist? Sure. Humorist? Sometimes. A man who often eats cereal for lunch? It’s true. But I’m also a psychic. And I bet you didn’t see that one coming! (Unless, of course, you are also a psychic like me). But anyway. Do you know how I know I’m psychic? Because I know what you’re thinking…

“If he writes this poorly…” and “Where is all of this going?” and “When is this comic going to end?” and “Oh wait, here it is.” and “Oh, damn! That wasn’t the end! He fooled me!” and “OK, here’s the real ending.”

*And “Was that supposed to be funny?”

And what does this title mean? was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Every day

Every day I wake up with the belief that it’s going to be an awesome day and I’m going to get so much done!

And then my actual day starts. At which point, it becomes an epic battle between my what I have planned and what life actually has in store for me.

Every day was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

I used to be funny

That awkward moment you update a social media profile and among other details, you write, “I used to be funny”. And regardless of whether other people ever found you funny or not, the fact that you no longer do is kind of depressing.

And it eventually eats at you so much that it compels you to try to find the humor in your life. And as you do, you find it. And it reminds you that as dark as the world can sometimes appear, it doesn’t mean that your life isn’t still full of silly ridiculousness.

The fact is, when times are tough, humor is often what we need to survive those times without going completely mad. If you can find the humor in life and make someone laugh, do it. Even if that someone is you.

I used to be funny. I still am. But I used to be, too. *Nod to Mitch Hedberg

I used to be funny was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

You feel me?

When people respond to something I say by saying, “I feel you!”, I wonder which part of me they think they’re feeling.

Because, frankly, if someone says they feel me and I don’t feel them feeling me, it probably means they’re either doing it on the sly or part of my body is numb.

You feel me?

You feel me? was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Up to 7 billion people agree!

I think it’s kind of silly when advertisements claim “up to” amount for whatever it is they’re advertising. Because life experience tells me that I’ll nearly never get the maximum amount of whatever it is they claim.

I don’t care if a cell phone offers “up to” 10 hours of battery life. And I don’t care if I might save “up to” 25% when I buy one.

If companies really wanted to be bold, they would tell me that, that no matter what I do, I can expect “at least” [whatever it is]. Because that will likely prove to be far more accurate and more relevant to most people than any claims of “up to”.

*Even if you qualify it with “most people can expect to get a minimum of”, that’s far more useful to most people than “up to”.

Up to 7 billion people agree! was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Eucalyptus!

Driving to the gym with the sunroof open. Smell eucalyptus and turn to see a bunch of happy eucalyptus trees after all the rain that California’s been getting.

That awkward moment you hear yourself shout, “Eucalyptus!”

That even more awkward moment after shouting “Eucalyptus!” that you shout it again a few more times and try to sound angry while doing it. Because ever since you heard that it’s impossible to say “bubbles” and sound angry, you’ve been looking for other words that are impossible to sound angry while saying them.

Eucalyptus! was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

30 dollars

It’s funny how facebook informs me that:

“This post is one of your most engaging posts”

And then casually suggests that I toss them a measly $30 to get more people to see it. I think Facebook must have me confused with someone else. Because $30 isn’t a small sum of money. Not to me.

Yeah, I know that’s what some people spend on lunch, but 30 dollars buys me enough cereal to account for breakfast *and* lunch for almost 2 weeks.

And sadly, I’m not kidding. And so it’s not really funny. Except that it kind of is.

*Goes to check book sales*

RE:

30 dollars was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Banking banter

At my new bank standing in front of a bank teller working out a transaction…

Bank teller: “I’ll just need to see some form of ID and have you answer a few questions.” he says. “And a blood sample.” he adds, jokingly.

Me, without hesitation: “Well, that’s less than what my former bank asks for.”

Teller, without skipping a beat: “Your first born?”

Me: “Yep. That’s why you’re my new bank and they’re my old one.”

Banking banter was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Coffitivity.com

That awkward moment you’re working on your laptop in a cafe and discover that the best way to block out the sound of obnoxious patrons who have no sense of volume control is by playing the ambient sounds of another cafe in your headphones.

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Coffitivity.com was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

A special relationship

That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe’s and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that’s not a bad idea! And you’re kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.

So you’re thinking that’s not a bad idea and let’s do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, “Let’s not!”

And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.

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A special relationship was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

My book

NEW! Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey : Lessons Learned from The Path Less Traveled by Zero Dean

TOPICS: Attitude, gratitude, kindness, confidence, authenticity, tolerance, leadership, success, failure, happiness, living beyond comfort, integrity, health, fitness, wellness, communication, relationships, personal responsibility, and more.

Get the details at: http://zerodean.com/book/

My book was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

"Strangers are simply friends..."

The problem with the expression “Strangers are simply friends you haven’t met yet” is that my friends probably wouldn’t mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.

Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)

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Themes:

Play from words

Gym related

Zero Talking comics

Related:

I-love-haters guy

Originally published on: Aug 23, 2013 @ 10:57

"Strangers are simply friends…" was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Optimizing brain

Optimizing brain.

This may take several days.

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Related:

Brain error

Your free trial to Zero Dean expired 9 days ago.

Blocked!

Themes:

Zero Talking comics

Originally published on: Feb 20, 2014 @ 15:51

Optimizing brain was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Just imagine

You have to use your imagination, but I’m on the right in this picture.

No. Wait.

I’m on the left.

I mean to the left of the person on the right, but to the right of the person on the left.

The rest is up to you.

Like I said, you have to use your imagination.

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Themes:

Zero Talking comics

Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 21:49

Just imagine was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

There has to be a law for that.

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

Themes:

Zero Talking comics

Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46

There has to be a law for that. was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

Silly mirror

Silly mirror. I’m better looking than that.

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Themes:

Zero Talking comics

Originally published on: Aug 3, 2013 @ 10:12

Silly mirror was originally published on Zero Talking

[zerotalking]

On the bottle

That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”

And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.

Dammit.

This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

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Themes:

Awkward moments

Zero Talking comics

Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12

On the bottle was originally published on Zero Talking