zodiac shitposts

this blog started out as a really big joke and has become a somewhat serious thing || feel free to ask us stuff but know that we don't promise accuracy

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as 2015 things

aries: john cena

taurus: *looks at smudged writing on hand*

gemini: okay... that sounds fake but okay

cancer: uptown funk

leo: *shoves breadsticks into purse*

virgo: the dress

libra: hoe don't do it

scorpio: why you always lyin'

sagittarius: miley, what's good?

capricorn: mmm whatcha say

aquarius: what are thOSE

pisces: netflix and chill

[zodiacshitposts]

In your "signs as ao3 tags post", why is Aquarius before Capricorn? Like it is literally the only sign out of order, it's making me uncomfortable

whoops! admin error

it should be fixed now :)

sorry about that!

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as ao3 tags

aries: shameless danger promposal

taurus: vintage communist foot fetish

gemini: marathon canadian blowjobs

cancer: mild scientific pegging

leo: angsty suburban anal

virgo: vintage therapy sexytimes

libra: now with more vehicular aftercare

scorpio: schmoopy internet spanking

sagittarius: dangerous assassin figging

capricorn: existential greaser barebacking

aquarius: gratuitous zero-gravity aftercare

pisces: sappy supermarket spanking

[zodiacshitposts]

Hi I'm a cap female about to go out on a movie date with can male &honestly I just want to know some traits of a cancer (like I already try to pay for my ticket & stuff &he's like nope I'll do it for you and he insisted on paying for everything )

ye ok so cancer admin here! 

first i hope ur date goes well !!!

second, cancers are p bullheaded and stubborn - u can try 2 argue but it’s gonna take a lot lot longer than it should lmao. he’s probs at least a little immature for his age, which is tru of most boys but just keep that in mind esp for a cancer boy…. if ur expecting him to make a smooth move, ur probs not gonna get it.

lastly, neither admin is good @ this advice thing so? good luck dude

[zodiacshitposts]

Im a gem(f) and theres a can/Leo(m) who is hot but anoying. sometimes he's mean to me and sometimes he's not he always ask me weird question and always try to talk to me even if I flip him off or tell him not to talk to me WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

it mean he a d-bag and u probs don’t need him in ur life

find somebody who is nice to u no matter what, probs a pisces or sth

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as generated aesthetics

aries: bitcoin bro

taurus: nebula core

gemini: crystal skeleton

cancer: crab core

leo: golf farmer

virgo: brony grunge

libra: weed retro

scorpio: black hole deity

sagittarius: gordon ramsay lolita

aquarius: naruto hippie

capricorn: gothic hipster

pisces: honey bug

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as will ferrell movies

aries: anchorman: the legend of ron burgundy

taurus: get hard

gemini: talladega nights: the ballad of ricky bobby

cancer: elf

leo: stepbrothers

virgo: blades of glory

libra: kicking and screaming

scorpio: megamind

sagittarius: the other guys

capricorn: the campaign

aquarius: semi-pro

pisces: a night at the roxbury

[zodiacshitposts]

zodiac shitposts pt 25

aries: is it a crime to prepare for meat

taurus: OPEN THIS PIT UP i shout as i fund my vast cache of ketchup packets

gemini: i love to sin and infiltrate anything with more than 4 legs

cancer: (sighing sadly) i guess i will think about werewolves

leo: why cant we all just get along and be my aesthetic

virgo: at my sleepover we will engage in fun activities. for example we can defend black sludge

libra: the DEATH MOON HELL RITUAL will begin after we think about macklemore

scorpio: im gay for anyone who can buy perfume that smells like berries

sagittarius: (thinking about my gender) betray liberalism

capricorn: you can buy any goods and services with bitcoin and i mean any. you can probably even use bitcoin to be as beautiful as meninism

aquarius: (shoveling handfuls of moss into my mouth) i popularize cisgenders

pisces: am i gay? well if it answers your question i endorse eels

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as rly bad puns

aries: It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it

taurus: My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast

gemini: There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils

cancer: Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

leo: When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve

virgo: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now

libra: I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy

scorpio: Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy

sagittarius: The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

capricorn: I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction

aquarius: Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

pisces: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down

[zodiacshitposts]

THANK YOU!!!

sure thing! glad we could be of shitposting service to you lmao

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as adam sandler movies

aries: anger management

taurus: just go with it

gemini: billy madison

cancer: happy gilmore

leo: jack and jill

virgo: that's my boy

libra: blended

scorpio: you don't mess with the zohan

sagittarius: 50 first dates

capricorn: click

aquarius: mr deeds

pisces: the waterboy

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as old night blogging posts

aries: what if instead of farting the sound was just someone with a deep manly voice saying “fart”

taurus: sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see

gemini: ice skating is like walking in cursive

cancer: WE ONLY USE LEASHES BECAUSE DOGS CANT HOLD HANDS

leo: what if people with super curly hair also had super curly eyebrows

virgo: i hate when ur boob starts falling out of ur bra like excuse me ma'am please return to your assigned seat

libra: what if you had elbows for your legs

scorpio: children are just like chia pets but instead of water you add semen

sagittarius: I JUST REALIZED WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE! THEY COULD’VE BEEN SPEAKING FLUENT GERMAN FOR ALL WE KNOW

capricorn: spoons are just little bowls on sticks

aquarius: WE ONLY USE LEASHES BECAUSE DOGS CANT HOLD HANDS

pisces: If you put a bee in the freezer, it will get cold and fall asleep. After it’s asleep, put it in your mouth, but don’t eat it. Just let it sit there. It will get warm and wake up. Now you have a bee in your mouth

[zodiacshitposts]

hey yall don’t be scared to send in requests or whatever . we use the shitpost generator for a lot of things but we’re kind of trying to get away from that so requests will help a lot 

[zodiacshitposts]

signs as tumblr insults

aries: you pile of wombat shit

taurus: you are an infant and you should not be allowed to use a computer

gemini: do me a favour and staple all your fingers together

cancer: tell your small intestines i said hello since your head is probably that far up your ass

leo: i want you to stop poisoning my air with your toxic presence

virgo: you absolute fucking walnut

libra: how about i switch your apple juice with piss

scorpio: shove a cactus in your anus buddy

sagittarius: go ahead chicken shit punch me in the fucking face. i will shove your entire upper body into your own ass and make you fuck yourself from the inside out.

capricorn: congratulations! you are the piss lord of shit mountain. thank u for hefting turds down the mountainside so that we, the proles, may feats on your bounteous craps

aquarius: you uneducated goose penis

pisces: back the fuck up you soggy lampshade

[zodiacshitposts]

zodiac shitposts pt 24

aries: tfw ur trying to relax but u cant help but prepare for mysterious unsourced meat

taurus: its impossible to drown in a sea of friends

gemini: i am not a model i just sell gamergate

cancer: rats are the coolest. they are small and furry + they be as beautiful as my birth

leo: i only know how to try to cheer up by thinking about capitalism

virgo: im going to write a modern version of romeo and juliet where they both acquire heterosexuality

libra: me: only care about rats

scorpio: imagine your otp preparing to romanticize a swarm of fast-moving grubs

sagittarius: its time to ask the real questions: is it ok 2 accuse me of enjoying goats

capricorn: (sighing sadly) i hide from heterosexuals

aquarius: (shoveling handfuls of moss into my mouth) i improve lizards

pisces: i love to sin and admire sonic the hedgehog

[zodiacshitposts]

zodiac shitpost pt 23

aries: has anyone ever even tried to celebrate homestuck

taurus: just dont attack the white house

gemini: on my farm we will be as beautiful as nge

cancer: god i love the sweet taste of POISON. i love to POISON myself and pray to beetles

leo: truscum voice: improve poop emoji

virgo: sometimes i just want to drown in a sea of fursonas

libra: i dont have any friends because i feed off of superwholock

scorpio: sometimes i just roll in lotion and purchase sin

sagittarius: aaa!! i harm sonic the hedgehog

capricorn: im horrible. im terrible. i declare war against garbage

aquarius: i only feel attraction to boys who have a strong beak and claws and disregard you

pisces: i will block and unfollow you if you savor the rapturous caress of death

[zodiacshitposts]

zodiac shitposts pt 22

aries: its time to ask the real questions: is it ok 2 think deeply about peperony and chease

taurus: i only use the 'bleeding cowboys' font because i be sad and desire birds

gemini: its time to ask the real questions: is it ok 2 tolerate crime elves

cancer: tbh i dont actually live in a cave with liberalism

leo: in times like this i ask myself... what would a dog do? it'd probably draw garbage

virgo: it is not wrong to hide from the spider farm

libra: im just small and i reject the agenda of marx

scorpio: ˙ ͜>˙ defend truscum

sagittarius: do you hear the people sing? singing the song of angry men? it is the music of me when i befriend worms

capricorn: do you think shrek would eat the sun

aquarius: just dont spy on fifty eels

pisces: the lyrics are: take me to church / i'll only eat horses