warnings: smut, explicit content, friends to lovers
word count:~700🙈
You're friends.
That's how it's always been. That's what you decided. That's what's safe.
You repeat it to yourself when he laughs too hard at your jokes. When his hand lingers on your shoulder a second too long. When he looks at you across the room with that look that makes your stomach flip.
You're friends.
But now he's standing in your doorway. Soaked. Angry. Broken. After a fight with someone. After the tour got cancelled. After everything he's been carrying for years.
"Can I come in?"
You step aside. He walks in. And the air shifts.
"Have you been drinking?" you ask.
"No." He looks at you too directly. "I'm tired. Tired of pretending."
"What?"
"That I don't want you."
Silence. Loud. Deafening. Your heart skips a beat. Another. Another.
"Noah…"
"Tell me I'm alone in this!!! Tell me I made it all up!!! Tell me, and I'll leave!!!"
You say nothing. He steps closer. Slowly. Like a predator. Like a man who can't hold back anymore.
"Don't be silent."
"I…" Your voice breaks. "You're not alone."
That's all he needs.
He kisses you. Not like a friend. Not gently. Like a man who's been waiting for years. His hands cup your face, pulling you so close that you can feel his heart pounding. Or maybe it's yours.
"I was losing my mind," he whispers against your lips. "Every time you fell asleep on my shoulder. Every time you left with someone else."
"You never said anything."
"I was scared."
"Of what?"
"Losing you."
You pull him closer. Kiss him. Desperate. Hungry. With all the tenderness and anger for years of silence. He pulls your shirt off. You tear at the buttons of his. You stumble over furniture, hit walls, but never break apart.
He picks you up and carries you to the bedroom. Throws you on the bed. Hovers over you. His hair falls in his face. His eyes are dark. Drunk with want.
"Do you know how many times I imagined this," he says, running his palm down your stomach. "How many times I dreamed about you."
"Show me."
He kisses lower. Your neck. Your collarbone. Your chest. You arch when he takes your nipple into his mouth, sucking, biting. His hand is already under the waistband of your jeans.
"So wet," he smirks. "How long?"
"Since you walked in."
"Fuck," he breathes and yanks your jeans and underwear off.
He undresses fast. You don't even get to look. You just feel him. Hot. Heavy. Ready. He settles between your legs and pushes in. Slowly. All the way. Your moan drowns in his mouth when he kisses you.
"Do you feel that?" he whispers, moving. "It's us. Finally."
"Yes…" You claw at his back. "Harder."
He obeys. His thrusts get deeper. Rougher. The bed creaks. You stop holding back, moans spill from your lips, and he catches them with kisses, whispering something you can't make out.
"I love you," he breathes into your neck. "For so long. Always."
You freeze. And then you feel everything explode. You come with his name on your lips, clenching around him, and he follows. w
With a low groan, burying his face in your shoulder.
Silence. Breathing. Two bodies tangled into one.
He lifts his head and looks at you. Tenderness. Fear. Hope in his eyes.
summary : You and Noah have always been close friends, but your feelings for him have never been purely platonic. When a no-strings-attached arrangement begins blurring the lines between friendship and love, you’re left wondering if he feels the same, or if you’re about to lose him.
English is not my first language so there might be some mistakes/incoherences, if you see any, let me know ! (and it’s the first one shot i’m publishing on here so please be indulgent !!)
It started as usual, it was the kind of night where the only light you could perceive was the moon outside your window, you could almost feel it gazing at you, mocking you.
you didn’t see anything, just felt.
Noah’s hands, planted firmly on each side of your face, his ragged breathing hitting your pulse point, him. The only thing you could feel was him, his overwhelming scent filling your nostrils, musky and ambery, but still airy and grounding in a way. The occasional press of his lips against your soft skin as he moved his hips against yours in a slower motion than what your body had been accustomed to for the past months.
you weren’t looking at him, you couldn’t. He would see that something was wrong. Until you felt his pace faltering, and stopping.
"is something wrong ?" he asked, keeping his voice soft while trying to find your eyes in the dark.
your brain switched on again, and you slowly shook your head, before speaking, begging your voice not to tremble.
"No… i’m sorry i wasn’t really here." you responded in a small voice.
he shook his head and let out a small sigh before sitting up. Breaking the connection. He shifted on the bed before he was sitting on the edge of it, his back facing you.
you tried not to let your shaky breaths being heard by him. Instead you sat up against the pillows, pulling the soft blanket on your naked form, like you felt ashamed to even be seen bare in front of him.
"You should have told me if something was wrong from the beginning, or even text me you weren’t in the mood." he sighed, standing up to put on his discarded boxer before grabbing his phone.
"I was… I just…" You tried, but bit your lower lip instead and looked down at your hands.
Noah didn’t look into it, he always made sure to not look into it, to never act like he cared that something was wrong. You told yourself that he was like that, cold, detached, only here for a release and nothing more.
At least that was the arrangement was based on. Only physical release. You both had even established rules; no kissing on the mouth, no aftercare, no staying overnight, no allusions in public. And obviously, no catching feelings.
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
You and Noah had met a few years ago, in 2016. Noah was playing with his band at local bar, and you happened to be there with a few friends. You would be lying if you said that you never felt something for him the first time your paths crossed. His band had then joined your friends and you all shared a couple of drinks, that’s when you became friends with him and with the others.
And since you were living in the same city, you happened to always see Noah, either at local gigs, bar, parties, and even when you were buying a snack at the convenience store in the middle of the night.
Noah was always in the back of your mind. You tried to hide it from yourself at first, but even your close friends noticed; the way that you used to get excited when they said he was probably coming to the party that a mutual friend hosted, when you couldn’t stop smiling after he had just asked if you had done something to your hair, and said that he liked it.
You and him obviously got closer by the time, you were always hanging out with him and the guys, and since you matched his energy the most, you always ended up talking and sharing a beer on the balcony at their shared house.
Until last year. You had seen Noah getting exhausted, and accumulating fatigue because of the tour and the multiple festivals the band was playing. They did great, selling out most of the dates on tour, headlining. But Noah had confessed to you that he felt empty and lost, that everything was moving too fast and that he was also exhausted and couldn’t find home in what used to resonate as "comfort" for him.
You remember to this day how it happened.
Noah was the last one to leave your apartment that night. Folio and Jolly had left an hour ago, and Nicholas who had showed up with his girlfriend also left early. you had hosted a small gathering to celebrate your just obtained drivers license.
the apartment now felt unusually quiet, the conversation had died a few minutes ago, and Noah had turned off the music. Neither of you had planned for this to happen, at least not unconsciously. Your eyes travelled to his hands, wrapped around the now empty tequila glass he finished drinking a while ago now. Your gaze wandered until it locked on the small crescent moon next to his knuckle. when you looked up at him again, Noah was staring at you. His eyes seemed smaller than usual, you couldn’t tell if he was looking at your eyes, your neck or your mouth. That’s when you acknowledged the warmth of his shoulder pressing against yours.
you couldn’t exactly remember how it happened, but the next second, you were practically dragged on his lap. his large hands grounding you firmly against him, while his mouth found yours, for the first time. The kiss was messy, your teeth were clinking against his as his hands slowly travelled from your hips to your back, until he wrapped one around the back of your neck to hoist you even closer, as if there was much space left between you both.
he broke the kiss and pulled back a little to search for your eyes.
"Do you want this too y/n ?" He asked, in a hushed tone.
You slowly nodded, leaning into his touch again, like you were starved, aching to be closer to him and couldn’t face the small distance between your bodies.
"Hey." He mumbled again
"Can you say something ?" His hands tightened on your hips, as if neither him couldn’t wait to have you.
"Yes Noah.. I want this, I want you. » You responded in a barely audible whisper, your forehead falling on his shoulder in an attempt to hide the blush creeping on your cheeks and your nose, because you never imagined ending up making out with one of your closest friends on a friday night.
But you knew deep down that Noah had never been like your other friends. He never did something different than the others. He cared about you, like he did towards his other relatives. He appreciated having you around, and you were one of the few person that didn’t seem to consume his social battery.
To you however, Noah was something else.
You’ve always been attracted by him in a way. You didn’t know if it was how he would always take the the time to explain you random things, or how he made sure that you felt comfortable and didn’t feel anxious whenever you were hanging out with the band at a crowded place, or backstage at a festival. But you thought that Noah cared only because he saw you as a sister, and nothing else. Never a single time it crossed your mind that Noah "wanted" you.
You didn’t even want to imagine how many girls would want to be in your place.
And it had been weeks, maybe even months that you didn’t have sex. The last one being your shitty ex that ended up leaving you for someone he had met at his workplace.
Your mind was elsewhere when Noah started to palm your breasts through your band tee. You glanced down, lifting your face up an inch from his shoulder, your eyes zeroing on his tattooed hands on your body.
"Fits perfectly, always knew you were made for me." He exhaled, as his lips planted soft, needy kisses on the side of your neck.
you couldn’t respond, still processing that you were on top of Noah.
"We should really go to bedroom, don’t wanna ruin your brand new couch." He said with a smirk hanging on his face.
You nodded along to his words, directly standing up from his lap, trying to find some sort of balance because your legs felt like jelly. Noah took your hand and led you to your bedroom, as if he hadn’t discovered your new place a few hours ago.
"Wait, do you have protections ?" He asked, backing you until your were forced to sit down on the edge of your bed.
"No. I don’t have anything… but im on birth control if that’s okay for you. I haven’t done anything in a few months and got tested when i broke up with my ex." You stated.
He shook his head. "Fine for me too. Never went bare with anyone, i’m clean too." He admitted, his hands pushing on your shoulders to lay you down.
His crawled on top of you, his more imposing build completely caging you down. He took a moment to take off his shirt, throwing it behind him before lifting up yours.
"Lift up your arms for me please," he asked, tugging it half the way up and finally taking it off to admire you.
you could swear at that exact moment that you felt his breath stopping, his eyes zeroing on your form, as if he anticipated seeing you like this, bare and under him.
"So pretty." He whispered in a barely audible voice, his hands cupping you again.
You felt an electric shock as his colder hands touched your burning skin, your back arching off the mattress, as you seemed to seek the pressure of his touch.
Noah did not waste anytime, travelling his hands to your jeans, undoing them and quickly pulling them down, tugging them off, alongside your underwear.
you felt the press of his lips on your tummy, before his hot breath lowered down until it reached where you wanted him to be.
"I’d like to take my time with you, but i’ve been waiting for so long y/n." He looked up at you with nothing but adoration before pressing a soft kiss on your clit. Directly looking up at you to sense your reaction.
You let out a soft sigh, trying not to lift up your hips, but your whole body ached for him.
Noah shook his head, his hand travelling from your breast to reach your throat, wrapping around it but not squeezing, as a reminder that he was in charge.
Your brain shutdown when you felt his tongue flattening on your most intimate part, his hand, resting on your throat tightened for an instant, before he grabbed your hand and deliberately placed it in his hair, you reached and placed both of your hands through his brownish strands.
Noah hummed, continuing to slowly devour you, intensifying the movement when you let out a soft moan. When you started to let out louder noises, he stopped and travelled needier kisses from your clenching and aching core to your lips, marking his way up your body.
You were a trembling mess under him, your hands finally unclenching the white sheets to trace the ink on his sides and stomach, your fingers deepening the pressure on the "desolate" lettering.
"Noah please.." Your voice broke.
"Please what ? Just tell me what you want." He responded, grabbing your wrists firmly and placing them on either side of your head.
"Please, i’ve been.." You swallowed. "I need you inside." You let out.
Noah nodded directly, his eyes darkening a little before he positioned himself between your legs, your eyes, darted from his eyes to the obvious tent in his sweatpants.
"You’re staring. " He noted as he passed his fingers between his sweatpants and his boxers, sliding them down like he wanted you to beg to see more of him.
You reached again, your fingers reaching the elastic of his underwear.
he let out a soft sigh, his hand covering yours, and planting it along your side, before pulling the fabric down his legs.
your pupils dilated at the sight of him, you closed your eyes for an instant. leaning your head back against your pillows, you could feel your heart thudding in your chest.
"Hey, it’s okay. Y/n look at me." He said in a tone that was meant to ground you.
"I want you to feel safe and i really need to know if you still want this. We can stop whenever you want." He murmured as he propped himself on top of you, his face close to yours, his eyes searching and studying you.
"You can continue. I want this Noah.." You responded, giving him a soft and shy smile.
He nodded along, pressing the tenderest kiss on your lips, and then your forehead before slowly easing into you.
you held your breath for a second, brushing your nose against Noah’s, your hands tightening and clutching the sheets again.
"You good ? Does that feel uncomfortable ?" He mumbled, his hand brushing your hair away from your face.
"No, it’s okay you can move.." you whispered against his lips, as your felt the tension leaving your muscles as soon as Noah started moving.
He started slow, by rocking his hips against yours, his hands leaving your face to lace his fingers with yours.
"You feel so good." He let out, punctuating his words with deeper thrusts.
As soon as you closed your eyes, Noah leant down even closer than he already could and gave you a soft kiss, the tip of his tongue tracing your lips, searching for an entry.
he was moving more deliberately, every thrust earning a noise from you, and a groan from him, when you opened your eyes again, Noah looked down at you with a mix of adoration and worship. You couldn’t quite tell, and refused to confuse it as love.
"I’m close," you said as the knot in your belly tightened, the familiar burning sensation overpowering your senses as you felt Noah’s breathing shuddering.
He buried his face in your neck again, his nose brushing your pulse point. He sucked out a sharp breath before softly biting your skin, not leaving his mark, but still letting you feel him. He processed to kiss the soft burn of his teeth, before you felt him spilling inside of you, his rhythm slowing as you came around him, your thighs shaking and your body arching into his.
"Hey…" He murmured in a soft tone, cupping your cheeks, making your gaze locking on his, "you did so good for me babe." He praised, pressing the softest kisses on your lips.
Your arms tentatively wrapped around his bigger frame, you felt him pulling out and collapsing on top of you. That’s when you understood Noah wasn’t your friend anymore, because you felt safe in his arms, your pulse softened and slowed, you could feel your mind switching on off when the only thing around you was his presence.
You couldn’t quite tell how many minutes had passed when Noah stood up. Giving you one last kiss on the forehead before retrieving his clothes that were discarded somewhere in your bedroom. You grabbed the hem of the blanket and covered your naked form, your eyes trying to find him in the dark.
"Look y/n. I have to go before the guys start to wonder where am i. I’ll see you around okay ?" He said in a soft voice, even if you felt the safe space you were in slowly fading as he mentioned leaving.
"Yes… get home safe." You mumbled, turning to face the white wall of your bedroom.
When you heard the door of your apartment shutting behind him, and the engine of his car starting, you felt a lump in your throat. You and Noah had sex, and he left.
You wanted to be mad at him, but you couldn’t even blame him, he didn’t promise you anything. He was exhausted, and needed to relieve some tension and you were here, that’s why it happened.
The next morning, you woke up with a headache, your mind still foggy from last night events, your hair still tangled. His strong scent remained everywhere in the air of your bedroom. You groaned and stood up, opening the window to refresh the air and grabbed your phone, you blinked slowly, rubbing your eyes to acknowledge the harsh light of your device before scrolling through your notifications when one in particular caught up your attention.
Noah 🌙 : Hi, hope you had a good night. I just wanted to clear things up about yesterday. We were both tired and stressed from the past weeks and it happened. Just so we’re clear this doesn’t change anything between us, i like being your friend a lot and i don’t want us to lose that.
Let me know when you’re free so we can talk about it more clearly :).
The only thing you could remember after, was that Noah had invited you when the guys went out. He had told you about wanting to start having that kind of relationship with you: sex, between friends when one of you needed it. And you had agreed, because now that you made love with Noah once, you couldn’t just go back to normal, your brain didn’t work this way. Even if you already knew you would regret it.
What you remember clearly otherwise, was everytime one of you broke a rule.
The first to ever do it was Noah. You were at a small party with the whole band, their friends, and people from the industry, when Noah’s hand wrapped around the back of your throat squeezing softly before you felt his palm splaying on your back, He was deliberately showing everyone with who you were for the night, not letting you leave his side for an instant. Just because he saw one of the technician’s eyes zeroing on your cleavage.
The second time was when Noah had picked you up from work on a tuesday.
He had texted you earlier that day, asking if you wanted to see him, you had agreed, even if you felt dead on your feet after going to bed at 4 in the morning last night due to another deadline for your job.
When you both arrived at your apartment, Noah had turn off the car and found you dead asleep next to him. And instead of waking you up, he had carried you to bed, took off your clothes and your makeup for you before sliding next to you in bed to spoon you, his large hands resting comfortably on your tummy.
And of course, you couldn’t even count how many times you « accidentally kissed. »
The rules weren’t even brought back to the table once by either of you anymore, they became useless.
You thought maybe that Noah loved you too, because you did love him. More than anyone and anything, and you had spent too long hiding it to yourself and hiding it from him.
But you couldn’t tell him, because what if he didn’t ? you’ll end up loosing him and destroy your friendship.
And if you never expressed your feelings to him, does that mean you’ll have to force yourself to stop loving him ?
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
"Listen, i’m gonna go. I have things to do anyway." He said, putting his phone in his pocket, he was now fully dressed, having gone to your balcony for a few minutes before coming back in the bedroom.
he waited for your answer but nothing came out of your mouth.
"y/n." He sighed, "you fell asleep ?" He asked again. In two long strides, he was standing next to the bed. Turning on the small bedside lamp.
His eyes widened at the sight of you. Tears were streaming down your cheeks, lips pressed in a thin line to prevent you from making any noise.
"Hey.. wow, did something happen while i was gone ?" He asked, crouching down next to the bed to cup your face, wiping your tears away with his thumbs.
You shook your head, finally parting your lips, a strangled sob escaping you.
"Breath for me angel, you’re panicking." He glued his forehead to yours, your hands reaching for him, wrapping around his forearms, squeezing softly in an attempt to make sure he was really there.
He stayed like that for a few minutes, whispering "i’m here" and "you’re okay " in repetition until your pulse came back to its normal speed.
"Can you talk to me ? what happened ? He asked, in a genuinely concerned tone.
"you never noticed anything Noah.. you never.." You responded, looking at him in the eyes.
His eyes widened, thumbs still brushing imaginary tears as they stopped painting your face.
"I love you. I’ve always did." You confessed, letting your head fall back on the pillows.
Noah pulled alway slowly, looking down.
"Noah.." You mumbled, fear creeping up your spine as you felt him pulling away.
"Why didn’t you say it before ?" He said in a smaller and much more colder voice. "I wouldn’t have put myself into this arrangement if.. anyway i just.." He sighed.
You felt the cold wall between you growing, Noah was pulling away, and you couldn’t take back what you said.
"If you had any feelings for me you should have just told me before getting into something purely physical y/n. I think we should just stop seeing eachother." He said, you felt your chest compressing at his words.
His back was now facing you, as he opened your bedroom door. You heard him grabbing his keys in your entry, and the now familiar engine of his car, before he left, again, like he always did.
Noah was gone, and all you could think about was the fact that it was your fault. You had told him you loved him. But you couldn’t blame him, couldn’t hate him, he’d always been clear on what he wanted. You heart caved in your chest, your Noah was gone. And he wouldn’t come back to you because you had the courage to say the words you always kept hidden in your heart, those three simple words meant only for him.
A/n : it was supposed to be a one shot based on one of my favorite song but i’m thinking of making a part two. Again english is not my first language so sorry for the inaccuracies and my grammar :,)
I hope you guys will like it as much as i liked writing it <3 it was such a challenge for me ahah !
Coltivo il mio giardino, e il mio giardino coltiva me.
(Robert Brault)
IO SONO ANIMA
**********************
I cultivate my garden, and my garden cultivates me.
(Robert Brault)
I AM SOUL
Ricordi della vita
I souvenir più preziosi che portiamo a casa non sono nelle nostre borse, ma nei nostri cuori. Sono i momenti pieni di risate, il sale sulla nostra pelle dopo una giornata al mare, il suono di una voce che ci ha toccato. Un profumo...
Gli oggetti perdono il loro significato col tempo, ma i ricordi brillano per una vita intera se abbiamo veramente vissuto il momento. Essere presenti è il più grande regalo che possiamo farci.
Chi sa godersi il momento crea un futuro meraviglioso. Le cosiddette "perle": un lampo di risata, una tazza di caffè con qualcuno, uno sguardo che rimane nell'eternità. Queste sono le perle che sono nel vostro cuore, per sempre.
@DivineSoulsPortal
************************
Memories of Life
The most precious souvenirs we bring home aren't in our bags, but in our hearts. They are moments filled with laughter, the salt on our skin after a day at the beach, the sound of a voice that touched us. A scent...
Objects lose their meaning over time, but memories shine for a lifetime if we truly lived the moment. Being present is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Those who know how to savor the moment create a wonderful future. The so-called "pearls": a flash of laughter, a cup of coffee with someone, a look that lingers in eternity. These are the pearls that are in your heart, forever.
@DivineSoulsPortal
Sending love to everyone who is just… tired. Life is a lot right now. Whether it’s decision fatigue, anxiety fatigue, information fatigue, career fatigue, social fatigue, financial fatigue, or the exhaustion of getting your life back together, give yourself space and grace. Be still for a bit. You deserve to recharge.
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