carpe noctum @zoieburgher - Tumblr Blog

One of the craziest and earth shattering experiences of my life, and for once, I’m not talking about sex.

I’m talking about Toronto. That city healed me in a way only another lover can after the sting of rejection, in a whispered “baby girl” into your ear right before climax. Not sure why I’m relating to sex, but perhaps because it is so intimate. Just like right after the stinging fight where you both claim things that aren’t true, and resolve it the only way you two know how...

Toronto, how I love you. How you changed me. I’ll never forget your sunlight, or your clean air, the smiling diverse faces as I stumbled through the streets drunk on Valentine’s Day and oh so heartbroken.

I think I’d just left a strip club, and I barely remember a kind boy who couldn’t have been more than eighteen helping me get home. I think I invited him in to smoke, but all I remember was some excuse and a final hug before I breathed a sigh of relief on the couch and gradually sobered up to the realization of what a terrible position I had just put myself into.

Intense emotion can do that to people. But somehow, I am always lucky.

I’m going to be posting

every day, as much as I can. Those little thoughts that pop into my head and nag me without relent. Perhaps you will read. Or you will roll your eyes, that’s quite alright.

I don’t know what I’d think about me if I weren’t me; all I know is that I have a lot of thoughts and maybe one person out there in the world might appreciate them.

If I look numb, it’s because I am. The cold winter air clung to me and the jets from the tub cooked my lower extremities. The sweat on my forehead was quickly chilling to air temperature and I briefly remembered there were people directly in front of me in the gym area watching my night time photoshoot in the middle of sub-zero temperature. They were laughing.

Perhaps I’d laugh at me too.

Numb.

#zoieburgher #carpenoctum

my therapist says I should write more.

3/11/2017

the gulls woke me today, as they used to.

I woke up with that feeling you get when you were having a pleasant dream, so sweet and so tender your heart aches as you feel the dream slip away- to shatter and never return- leaving only a lingering sense of loss so vague you shake it off like the lingering winter snow on your boots that chills you to the bone.

Yes, that feeling. Crisp winter is leaving, and in comes the spring and all its forgiveness and perhaps to bring that hope of summer love.

What was it I loved again? Sleep? Gulls?

Prose is awful.

life has plot.

some random conversation with Abigale