12 Oct
Want 'science' to turn me into a self-sustaining, sentient electrical pulse that can be inserted into the internet and live indefinitely
9 Feb
Bread flavored gum.
4 Sep
Ate a tuna salad sandwich and thought "I'm livin that 31st century futuristic fly shit."
17 Oct
Keep thinking the boxes throughout my house are other humans.
30 Oct
Just said "doo-doo porn" loudly while friend talked to his mother on the phone.
4 Nov
Seem to be only human in Target impacted emotionally by Bill Withers singing "Ain't No Sunshine" through the PA.
14 Dec
Segways seem fun. Confused re 'mockery' of segways.
28 Dec
Want a Funkadelic song to exist titled "Black People, Be Careful With Your Time Machines"
14 Jan
Wish astrology was real so I could know all I need to know about humans without actually working to know a human.
28 Jan
The man who coined "I'm the shit" is probably dead.
27 May
Really nothing to stop me from screaming "CRIME MOB HOE" in this bank lobby. #freedom
31 May
Thought "ol' Sean Connery lookin ass" while looking at a man who resembles Sean Connery.
31 May
Made eye contact with another man at urinal. Just trying to keep an open mind.
2 Jun
Waiting room with 4 strangers. Everyone is calmly absorbing Shania Twain.
9 Jun
Often visualize a large snail when someone says, "stream of consciousness."
14 Jul
Urge to become tiny man and swim in sausage gravy.
27 Jul
Gonna start a band called "Suicide On Vimeo Live"
24 Aug
Thought "what media would I take to a deserted island" and "probably have larger concerns" and fell down...
24 Aug
Thought I tweeted, "~60% of my 'blackness' is irony, and ~40% is 'fuck you'" but I didn't...fell down...laying here...
24 Aug
On ass again, looking at ceiling, wonder if cobwebs are made by spiders or naturally occurring phenomenon..or wtf...
1 Sep
Thought "y'all still my niggas" to box of fancy-ass cookies.
19 Sep
Seems the only audiobook worth purchasing is Foster Dubs reading Koontz aloud to his mother in the cabin of a U-Haul.
30 Sep
Trying to decide "what to do next"...maybe I'll [nothing feels appealing].
20 Oct
Imagined getting shot and while hunched over, bleeding profusely, whispering "Retweet..got shot...Twitter" to myself.
20 Oct
Identify with Juicy J lyric "I get so damn trippy / in my mind / I go blank" despite lack of total comprehension...
6 Nov
Man at "Occupy Nothingness" protest holding sign: "100% of Americans will die, at some point."
27 Nov
Honestly can't think of anything more pleasing than writing, "I want have sex with you," on the FB wall of people I want to have sex with.
27 Nov
Seems the most valuable thing about being in a relationship is going to Target to "pick up a few things."
17 Dec
That little rover on Mars seems pretty lonely.
20 Dec
Engaged in sudden struggle to remember humans named Ralph.
23 Dec
The "Coming Race War" seems sexual.
29 Dec
Tried to feel something, anything, re Kim Jong-Il, our last hope for nuclear annihilation.
4 Feb
David Attenborough saying, "The average human spends 56,352 hours awake in bed, too lazy to pee..." while camera pans to reveal me in bed.
7 Feb
Briefly imagined being able to fast forward through today using an appliance called "Fuck Tuesdays"...
11 Feb
Referred to Walgreens pharmacist as "my drug dealer" and she didn't laugh.
9 Mar
One day a Pterodactyl will crash into my room and we'll ride outta this bitch.
11 Mar
Waka Flocka Flame brand vodka called "Waka Flocka Vokka"
12 Mar
Imagined continuously tweeting the letter "B" over 100K tweets, or until I lost 175 followers. B,B,B,B...
22 Mar
Seem to have 'balked at' today by getting out of bed and saying, "BALK BALK BALK."
23 Mar
Suddenly remembered parent's euphemism for penis was "polly-wolly" & palmed my face.
24 Mar
Realized I'd misread the past tense of 'binge' ('binged' pizza) as past tense of using Bing search.
26 Mar
Organized group of trained assassins who quietly & painlessly assassinate depressed people called 'The Humanitarians'
30 Mar
Urge to put on ~5 hoodies and linger outside a gated community.
6 Apr
Stopped looking at Facebook on computer and started looking at Facebook on phone.
8 May
Wish I could get a .gif tattoo.
12 May
Remembered trying to make "DILLIGAF" [Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck] happen in 8th grade by saying, "DILLIGAF y'all!" 2x in ~1 hour.
12 May
Seems people forget how chill rabbits are.
15 May
Sometimes the internet seems like a million rich, white teenagers fucking.
17 May
Genuinely concerned about encountering a horse-sized insect at some point.
26 May
Watched intensely frustrated ~5yo repeatedly strike cactus with toy lawnmower.
30 May
Lecture series where the speaker does the "Tootsie Roll" continuously for 48 minutes in complete silence.
30 May
I want to ride a turtle.
30 May
363lb Magic player casually tweeting Soundgarden lyrics...
3 Jun
"He just sat shirtless and stared at his fat." - someone describing me in 2072
4 Jun
Just experienced neutral feelings re "sex robots" while opening Beanitos.
19 Jun
The fat in nuts can be described as "nut fat."
20 Jun
Stopped pretending I wasn't staring at a butt & just stared at a butt.
29 Jun
Seems plausible that Obama is 10-15 feet tall.
4 Jul
Seems like Wiley E. Coyote was a huge fuck up.
6 Jul
Roomie asked "Do turtles have dicks?" and I said, "Yeah, they do. Right?" and he said, "I don't know."
10 Jul
Disease called "Obese Foot" where you rapidly gain weight in your left foot...
18 Jul
Want to be pushed out of a helicopter and fall into a stadium filled with beef ravioli.
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