I am starting to feel like myself once again, cleaned my room, out of my depression, managing my episodes and thinking clearer again. However i still believe we are eachothers twin flame since it took us splitting to become a greater version of ourselves.
Last night i was at a karaoke night with zach, buddie, and his friend paola. They played two of your favorite songs. Oye Mi Amor and Aint no fun. There were some good singers too you’d love it. I had fun listening to everyone sing their little souls out, good and bad.
All i could think about is how much i would love to show you what i am actually like. You said i was lame but i think thats only because we weren’t really able to do much. We aren’t so different you know. I love to dance and sing to anything, I love watching people have fun, making people have a great time. Zach says that we always say the same things and we do. We share the same though process, in which i am always reminded. Anyways, I wish i knew some bars we couldv’e gone to when we were planning on it. So many things left unsaid, undone.
You said i didn’t love you the way you though i did. Truth is i loved you more than you could even fathom to understand, I wouldn’t hesitate to show you how. I remember so much about you, I know so much about you. I was thinking about your little center tooth last night. Little miss tom cruise, haha. I also thought of how you do this little hop when you get excited or how you used to do a little wiggle.
Despite remembering all the good, i still think about the bad and how i felt/feel. We hurt eachother in different ways but the pain is at the same level. I still choose to love you. Your hipocricy, your prejudice, your small grudges and even your slight narcissitic traits. I saw all of them and still do, yet i still choose to leave a spot open in my heart for you. Our ending was too abrudpt, the chapter was meant to close yes but i feel that our story isn’t over. It may just be myself gasalighting myself again and no i won’t love bomb you again’; but its just a feeling per say. I still feel a connection to you sometimes. When i am sad i think you’re sad or when i am having a good time, i like to hope you are as well.
I am getting answers as to why i was the way i was, and why i did what i did. As they aren’t excuses, i just have something within myself that i can work on. Being self aware is the first step, and i now know/understand a lot more of my flaws. I know when you come back to me, I’ll be a better person. I have no walls up for you at all. I won’t hesitate to be nothing but truthful and loving to you. That being if you let me of course.
Let me take you to bar sometime, I’ll get you your strawberry daqueri? Daquiri? Don’t know how to spell it. Or we can act like strangers and ill pretend like i don’t know that you have to sleep with a light on, or that youre not a picky eater, or that you don’t like to swim. That youre a down to earth gal, love nature and walks, that your jaw was broken when you were a baby, that you loved going to church, that you had a husky, or that your favorite person passed and you remember him every anniversary. That you know how to make seafood, a delicious lemon pepper salmon. Or that you give the softest love anyone could ever feel. That you try new hobbies a lot, and want to have more things to do. You like to knit, that you had goals and ambitions of starting your own brand.
Not a day goes by where i think about how much i could give her now. I have a greater understanding of love, what it means, what it is to love someone. I don’t want to share that with anyone but her. I may not have much, but if i had six dollars and she needed five I’d have one.
She’s my person, I won’t find anyone that can meet her level. She’s my special person, the four leaf clover. I may not have been the best at showing her that, but if i could i would do it over and over and over again until she believes it.
I’ve forgiven myself and you, I have healed a lot more, come to terms. That doesn’t change the fact that I would take you back at any given moment. Whether it be now or a year later. Whenever you are ready and want to do this. I’ll be here making the best version myself for you, us, and i.
I be at your ship soon chief. I love you and i hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it.
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