I’ve been feeling better these days.
I remember watching Perfect Days in the theater. I sat next to someone even though there were a lot of empty seats in the theater. I cried and laughed watching the film.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the life I’m living. Actually, a lot less than before. I feel myself changing and I think there’s a part of me that cares less about things that don’t matter. I’m practicing to actively choose what matters to me.
It’s a lot of unlearning so that I can “rewire my neural pathways”! I first learned of this back in 2022 when I listened to a talk by a monastic (Sister Dang Nghiem) at Deer Park Monastery.
It’s important for me to reframe certain ways of thinking that are no longer helpful to me, and actively making positive changes to sustain the kind of life that I want for myself.
I’d like to encourage myself more and practice to celebrate my progress. I still don’t really know what it means to “celebrate” my progress but I think right now, it means making space for the feeling of happiness and gratitude for the decisions I’ve made.
Recently, I made four friends at the gym! They’re all men. I’ve joked around with my friend, V (I love her and I am so grateful for her friendship. Knowing her has been really healing for me), that 2 of those guy friends are my “protectors” in case anything ever happens to me! Lol, weird to say but I think it’s a real thing to be cautious of as a woman. They’re really sweet and I feel good casually saying hi to them.
The other 2 guys were people I approached the other day. One of them helped spot me, and and with his help, I realized how desperately I need someone to workout with. This is something I’ve been shy about, even though I’ve been exercising for about 5 years? He helped me with my form and encouraged me with my sets. He was super kind and I’m grateful to have built rapport with him!
The last guy is someone I’ve been noticing, and so I came up to him and had a funny, productive (lol I have no other way to describe it) conversation. I asked to be friends and if he could help me with any workouts in the future, and he agreed.
When I shared what had happened with V, she was really proud of me and my progress. I’ve shared with her that I don’t really interact with men due to past poor experiences and I think it’s important now to change my own ways of thinking and acting.
It’s important to protect myself from harassment but I remember that I know how to advocate for myself in any kind of situation I run into. I also know how to use my discernment and act accordingly when I sense any “red flags”.
Everything just feels easier.
I’ve been through a lot of sh*t in my life, and as I’ve been practicing to acknowledge and take full accountability on my part, I am also learning to practice forgiving myself (and others) and give myself space to make changes that actively support the person I want to be.
It feels really good to change. But I want to say that it isn’t easy, and that I don’t actually like change too.
So knowing that, I’ll invite gentleness and tenderness into my actions, even though I don’t know what that really means right now.
I won’t judge myself for whatever I do. Instead I’ll just be aware and practice nonjudgment.
I’ll practice to look at the good. I have a habit of looking at the “ugly” or whatever is going wrong. I can be aware of what is perceived to be going wrong and shift my focus on what’s going right instead.
Right now, I have a lot of things going right: I have support, I have a good heart and I have a sense of ethics/morals that helps me live a meaningful life, I am in a safe environment, and I have really good friends and family. I am always trying my best, and I’ve always tried my best since I was young.
I have the power to make my life better and I have been doing that, especially since the end of my romantic relationship in 2019, which was actually terrible. I can say I regret everything but it isn’t about that. It hasn’t been about that for a long time. It’s more so that yes, I have a past and it’s not something I feel proud of, but I learned a lot from it, and I’m really grateful that I’m removed from being in a relationship with someone who really wasn’t good for me (to put it simply). And I’ve been able to practice prioritizing myself by centering MYSELF.
I feel myself repeating this act of prioritizing myself in all aspects of my life, and I’m getting a little better at it daily. That’s something to be proud of.
So, Carol, be proud of yourself. You go really hard and pop off, so don’t forget who you are, and never make yourself small. Even if you do that in certain moments (re: making myself small), you can practice to forgive yourself - that’s an act of unconditional love. When you can love yourself unconditionally (it’s a constant practice in the moment), you can offer this gift to others.
I think at my core, I’m a really ambitious, loving individual. I really try my best with the resources I have and it’s important for me to acknowledge that I have my own desires, needs, and wants that are valid in every way possible.
I do a lot for others but I feel more ready to take time to fill my own cup. I’m excited for this ongoing journey of growth, even if it’s weird, messed up sometimes, and uncomfortable. Because it’s rewarding, fun, and actually incredibly humorous!
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