I've fallen in love with a married man and I feel all sorts of way about it.
From the day I started talking to Jason Lepeska I felt it in my bones that we had a deep soulful connection.
I've had this issue of talking for endless hours with guys who stimulated my mind with great conversations, but by phone conversation number two I felt like I was developing a deeper connection with him. I felt that other guys that I talked to on the phone for hours just as I did with Jason always fell flat after our first date. It wasn't like that with Jason.
When he told me he was actually married, but in an open relationship on our third phone call a piece of my growing feelings for him shattered. I wanted him so badly, but I knew it was too good to be true. He told me he still very much wanted to see me and hoped that I would be open minded to at least going on a first date with me. Even though initially I almost thought about telling him no I said yes.
Our first date was wonderful. He was everything I hoped he could be. Very sweet, caring, passionate, funny, open minded, empathetic, and nurturing for someone with a heavy soul like me. I kept telling myself "Don't catch feelings. Keep things detached" it was really hard. I knew before I met him that I was going to fall in love with him.
The first time he kissed me on the park bench on that warm Summer evening that the passion he had behind our first kiss it was like a match made in heaven. The intensity I felt within myself when I kissed him back made me feel a sort of way with him. Although I know we are "casually dating" I feel that Jason too has developed an emotional connection to me. He often tells me he thinks about me a lot and that the lack of my presence in his life makes him yearn for me more.
I think because I am in love with him the sex feels really good with him. Although he isn't the most experienced lover in bed I've ever had, he is someone that I feel vulnerable with and so the sex experience is intensified.
When Jason is away with his wife it makes me feel depressed. I know it's so early on, but I can't help how I feel. I try not to think about his wife in the picture because this is my own thoughts and feelings. A little selfish I know, but I have a right to be. Every hour of the day that has passed this weekend I thought about him. I thought about the way he touches me, the way his face flushes when he looks at me, and the desire to physically bring me closer to him. When I'm with Jason he can't keep his hands off of me. Since I'm very different physically and emotionally from his wife I think he loves to explore that type of intimacy with me the the very much lacks with his wife.
I told Jessina, if he wasn't married I would be in madly in love with him already. There's no denying that Jason and I are extremely compatible together, and that's not me trying to convince myself that a man who isn't really into me or really cares about me is "compatible" with me. He reminds me how much we're alike with each other almost every conversation we have. I wish that I had met Jason earlier in life. Maybe we could have been together in some alternative timeline in the universe.
Sadly I know that Jason and I if he still chooses to love and be with his wife would never be "anything" which I know isn't my place to say anything. If I may or may not ever confess my "deeper feelings" for him may he feel the same way, but understand that it cannot be if he chooses it to be.
All I know is, I'm in love with Jason and I have mixed feelings about being in love with a married man.
