born into an unsound mind

what crimes have I committed

[zwitter31]

Content Warning: occasional animal death, I work in the veterinary field where euthanasia and death are inevitable. I tag #animal death and #tw animal death

Me

Zwitter/Zwit

it/that

been spinning around the sun for 30+ years

nurse for unwanted creatures

waiting to leave this realm of consciousness

Please check the tags, I'll probably put explanations there

I'd like to make music some time in the future but im lame af

[zwitter31]

It's done.

My thought process

Life with the 1 - 2 combo autism & adhd.

Adhd is purple. All over, can't focus for long

Autism is green. Structure and routine, maddening focus

Audhd in the middle. A battle, chaos and harmony.

Enjoy

[zwitter31]

People in the psych ward really liked the art I made in there so I gave it to them. They said I should do something with it.

It's been consuming me.

I want to return

[zwitter31]

Snapped and got 302d for a week.

[zwitter31]

Decent into madness.

Struggling through this I see why the mentally ill have been seen as possessed by demons. There is a devil in my mind.

-

Found that in a random file from 2019

[zwitter31]

Trying, just trying

Trying doesn't work

Doing never happens

And I'm alone

All alone with the evil

The evil within

Instilled before birth

In my genes

A birth that never should have been

This evil within

Within my mind

Turns me against myself

Turns me into something else

Set it free let me be

It destroys me, destroys me

I destroy me, destroy me

I'll end it all

[zwitter31]

Unsound Mind

CW: suicide

"3.5 million Americans have made plans for suicide"

With no one to love or to care for

I get to obliterate the thing I abhor

Against each other we conspire

My deepest darkest desire

My unsound mind 

Teeth I grind

White knuckled

My knees buckle

Blow it out blow it away 

Not tomorrow and not today

"In 2020, approximately 5 in 10 suicides in the United States involved firearms"

I need this mess out of my mind

And leave it out for someone to find

A beautiful display for all to see

Only can happen when it's just me

My unsound mind

Teeth so worn

Knuckles entwined

Knees are torn

Blow it out blow it away 

Not tomorrow and not today

I hold a brave face 

My brave face

I hold a facade

My facade

Teeth I grind

White knuckled

My knees buckle

My unsound mind

Blow it out blow it away 

Not tomorrow and not today

I hold a brave face

My facade

"There's a higher likelihood of suicide among veterinary medical staff than among the general population"

------------

I've gotten an app to play around with music making so we'll see what comes of this song

[zwitter31]

Autobiographical poem

Zwitter

Anxious, Exhausted, Enduring and

Child of the Fallen Artist and Matriarch

Lover of the leviathan, music and creatures

Who feels overworked, over stimulated and worn

Who needs a new form, a clear mind and an escape from this world

Who gives her mind body and soul

Who fears loss, death and heartache

Who would like to see a better place for nature, life beyond the human race and foreign worlds beyond our sights

Resident of the City of murder

Aquarius

[zwitter31]

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Lol wow I haven't written much how sad

[zwitter31]

Season of Trauma

Each year the season of trauma arrives

Now they trickle in, the small and the young

Depressing to know not all will survive

So I'm their last stop, their song will be sung

I'm not ready but I give what it takes

No time to recover, wounds grow deeper

Endless flows of them, the dam always breaks

Unrecovered I still am the reaper

There's abuse in your face day after day

Hit by a car, maggot infestations

Abandoned at birth just fading away

Never have been owned for generations

An ode to those who did not have a chance

So I treat them well in this circumstance

I see many lost to euthanasia

And nothing stops this nightmare fantasia

[aberrant-critter]

I’m so homesick

But there’s no home to go to

I miss my own room

My own space

I miss being with me, myself and I

I’m being caged in

Physically

Mentally

Stuffed into a box in which I don’t fit

Made to do things I don’t want

They’re breaking my spirit little by little

This person I’ve become

Is not who I want to be

[zwitter31]

Trying to fall asleep.

The thoughts...

The thoughts run around,

run at full speed.

Keeps me up at night.

Thinking, wondering, stressing.

Waiting for my friend.

My slow but good ol buddy

Ambien comes a knocking.

Twilight phase commences,

things aren't the same.

Slightly warped,

Wobbly.

Stumbly.

Like I had been drinking.

The brain slows down,

allowing sleep to start its journey.

Haze and fog takeover.

Eyelids heavy,

Things are weird.

Getting sleepy.

Objects warping, twisting.

Comfy in bed,

as the walls around me melt.

I melt into sleep.

-Ambien induced poem 2017

[zwitter31]

In a heartbeat

With no one to stop me I'd end it

In a heartbeat

No one to care about or love

In a heartbeat

Get to express my truest feelings

In a heartbeat

Deepest darkest desires

In a heartbeat

I need this mess out of my mind

And leave it out for someone to find

A beautiful display for all to see

Only can happen when it's just me

[zwitter31]

Conscious Prison

Here I feel like a creature in a cage 

Here I pace back and forth in my mind's eye

This mind is prison, I can not deny

This life sentence has caused nothing but rage

What crimes have I committed in my age? 

What have I done if nothing but comply? 

Held forever in time until I die

Held against my will, can not disengage… 

Helpless, heartless

Upsetting, unrelenting, unraveling

Rage and ruins to release and repairs

Transcending, transfiguring, transporting

Shapeless and seamless

I am a consciousness here in this skull

and one day this vessel comes to an end

Physical remains are put in a tomb 

Spectral form freed, my true plumage will bloom

I shake off the facade, no longer dull

A beast of freedom with haste I ascend 

Escaping ugliness of the worlds gloom

Until the universe meets its own doom

[zwitter31]

Do not remember writing this but I know all to well what it is

[zwitter31]

Brain constipated

Soul restless

Body sore

I don't want to be here anymore

[tooth-rexic]

wait but how can a brain be constipated

[zwitter31]

When I have too many things in my mind and can't bring any of it to words no matter how hard I try and I'm just sitting there angry because I can't express myself

[zwitter31]

Reworked posts

◁ ▷

I create the void

I listen, then it replies

Another life gone

◁ ▷

This soul is restless,

it's vessel is broken down

and mind is foggy.

I don't want to be in here

but this is the way of life.

◁ ▷

First is a haiku about confirming death after euthanasia.

Second is a tanka about living with fibromyalgia.