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Identity.

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Ram Choi

12/26/2013 will be the date that forever marks when you passed away in that car accident.  

… Where should I even start? I’ll start when I first met you ha. Freshman year, I had Spanish with Senora Heinez or something. You were another Asian American that attended Okemos, a predominately white school. I remember you wore a purple jacket, because I had a crush on you loool. Funny eh? You were into my trang girls at the time doe. But that’s koo- because God wanted to save our friendship for a later time in our lives, a time when we need it more. 

Senior year of high school was when I really became close to you… I can’t remember how that happened exactly, but I’m glad and thankful it did. We had a few classes together: the religions class with Partlow, and Psychology with Wood. I loved those classes extra because of the time I spent with you in them. I remember once in Partlow’s class… I guess he had no lesson plans for the day or something, so he made us listen to some oprah thing about farm animals to ‘meditate’ LOL. I remember turning my back to look behind only to see you focusing super hard and meditating… Eventually you fell asleep hahaha. Classic eh? We also had a project in that class about Buddhism… Which was me you and Ben as a group, and you did the entire presentation because you were so into different things like that. In psychology, I discovered your tragic fear of paper cuts when I would one every other day. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for some reason… That made me feel closer to you. 

I remember we would always walk from C hall to B hall together and during that time frame you would talk to me about your love life, or your 'realizations.’ Haha, I miss those. I swear, only you would have these realizations- 

During flex days, me you and Christina would always eat lunch in the hallways because we were “too scene” to eat in the cafeteria. We would sit on the floor and you would always share your lunch that your mom made with us. Typically, pasta salad, kimbap, or fried dumplings. 

That brings me to dumplings. I guess that became our traditional meal to eat with each other because every time your mom packed you dumplings for lunch, you would always share them with me. When I came over to your house to record my song, we also ate dumplings. The night I spent in Ann Arbor, we also ate dumplings haha. I hope that I’ll be able to eat those and smile from now on, instead of being sad… 

P.s Thanks for making the snorlax for my lunch that one day hahah. I didn’t think you would actually do it!!!

You were a huge reason I continued my music. Your passion for music made me passionate for it too. It started with us just jamming together. I remember you came over one day and we both just jammed on our guitars together for an entire evening. It’s funny because I was limited to playing the most basic chords… But you would always harmonize to them and find out some way to make our jams sound SO awesome. You were just musically talented like that haha. We played in the talent show together where you made my original song sound thirty times better with your harmonizing haha. You produced my song, This Photograph. For a certain time frame… To be honest, I kind of dreaded having that song lume around on youtube still getting up there because I didn’t want to remember my ex anymore. But you’ve changed that. Now I’m proud to have that song still out there because it reminds me of the long day we spent together in your basement recording everything and putting it all together. I’ve never had such a dedicated friend help me create my music before. I’ll always remember your dedication to me from sunrise to sun down that day, and how you asked for nothing in return. Grape Studios will always be in my music video. 

Ann Arbor. I remember I drove to Ann Arbor 78 weeks ago to visit you because it had been waaaay too long. Honestly, it was my first road trip haha, even though it was only like… An hour. I was so irritated and anxious the entire time there because some drivers in this one car were harassing me… They kept on driving next to me, behind me, or in front of me no matter how fast or slow I drove, and they kept on staring at me trying to provoke me while I was driving. \: It made me really scared. But when I finally got to Ann Arbor to see you, I felt a lot safer. Your fraternity house was interesting to see, but when you showed me your room, it made me feel like some things with you had never changed. I don’t know, it was just so you haha. It was really nice to unwind and get drunk that night with just the two of us. I remember I got drunk way before you did, but like a brother you always were, you took care of me. I also remember you talking to Long that night because I kept on drunk calling him lol. I wish you two could have met, because I really care about him, and you’re someone that could have really impacted his life too… Anyways, instead of sleeping on the upper balcony that night, I ended up just passing out on your bed. Not sure if you knew this, but you had your arm on me the entire night. At the time, I thought it was kind of weird because I was worried you were trying to make a pass at me, but honestly I see how it is now, and I’m thankful that you were trying to make sure I was okay, and not running off and doing stupid shit lol. The next morning, you made me breakfast and we got ready to tour Ann Arbor. It was SOOO hot. You showed me the arbotoreum… Or something like that, and told me that’s where you would go whenever you were super stressed and you wanted to calm down… I wish I could go back. 

There’s a lot of little things along the way that make me really fond of you, but I’ll save that just for us. You’re the first person close to me that has passed away, and I’m not going to lie, I have no idea how to deal with it. Sometimes it hits me really hard… And I cry until my eyes hurt and get all puffy. But other times… I’m okay because I know that you’re in a better place… You’re like a brother to me, and it sucks that I couldn’t tell you that again before what happened. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time… But I think God is trying to tell me something. With my faith wavering so much lately… You didn’t die for nothing. I know you impacted and touched a lot of other people… For me, I think God is trying to get me to come back to him. For some reason… I don’t know how to describe it. Sometimes I feel mad at him for letting you leave the world, but I think this is the climax of my faith where I need to reach back to him because I can’t get through your death alone. I can’t deal with my life with out you in it by myself. I think God is trying to tell me that I need him to help me get through this, and to help me accept what’s happened. I want you to be okay..

Which brings me what makes me cry the most… I just want to give you a hug, and tell you’re going to be okay… And that you survived this, and that everything will be better… But I can’t. I can’t give you a hug to comfort you. I can’t see you, touch you, feel you, or anything. And that’s the hardest part for me…… Realizing that I can’t ever see my brother again, hug him again, laugh with him again, listen to him vent or cry… All of that is gone. I will never able to hear you again. I’ll never be able to tell you how much you meant to me… How much I missed you, and wish we could talk more. I’ll never ever be able to feel you wipe away my tears, and I’ll never ever be able to look into your eyes ever again. That’s the part that makes me crazy, and makes me cry, makes me mad. 

I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to get over your death, but I promise I’m trying because I know that’s what you would want. For me to be happy, and for me to continue with my life, and keep you in my heart. But it’s hard because when I want to call you, your line doesn’t exist. When I text you, no one replies. When I snap chat you, no one opens it. You’re really gone from the world, and that scares me and makes me sad. 

Ram Choi, I wish I could give you the biggest, tightest hug… I wish I could say good bye to you and wish you the best. But I can’t… Maybe you’ll be able to read this in your after life or heaven or something… Maybe you’re with me as I’m typing and crying now… I don’t know. But at one point in our lives, our paths crossed and now they will forever be interlinked. Life will go on and sadly some days you will sadly slip my mind, but I promise that I will never forget to remember you and all that you have done and what you stood for. 

People ask why death is so hard to deal with, and I now know why. The words 'love,’ 'sadness,’ 'brother and friend,’ and 'care’ have never meant so much in my life before…. 

Maybe God will let me meet someone else in the future, someone that’s exactly like you. Maybe Buddha will let you reincarnate into something else that will come onto my path in the future… Until then. I wish so many different things… 

Forever, 

Brenda Duong

[-bd]

Is it possible to crave California?

The sunset, the warmth, the city, the light breeze, traffic noise and how no one cares

[love-personal]

[rhoyalist-deactivated20171113]

[wreck]

By :  Jaden Smiley

[dudeholdmybeer-deactivated20180]

my sister just sent me this screenshot and honestly this is a prime mood

[cityrun]

what a dream

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I am so confused. It's not supposed to hurt like this right? Like why do I feel like my heart is broken?

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[aarrt1212-deactivated20240709]

You never realize how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you got a bunch of things to talk about and no one to talk to.

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team my heart it hurts. 

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My previous boyfriend told me something along the lines of, “your first love, it’s strong, it’s great, but your second love - that’s the one that you really lookout for, the one that teaches you a lot about yourself.”

He failed to mention that the second person you really fall for will also hurt you a lot more. 

If or when this doesn’t work out, I know that he is the one that will have really, fully damaged me and messed me up. 

I’m starting to not even recognize who I am anymore? This independent woman who would have walked away - she can’t do it and I don’t understand or know who she is anymore. 

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Growing up, my mother always told me, “if you love a guy more than he loves you, you’ll spend the rest of your life suffering - you’ll live a sad life.”

My fear now that I’m older is that my experiences are reaffirming her thoughts. 

Maybe you think that I’m the girl for you, because I gave you more than your previous girlfriend. Because I’m more understanding. Because I sacrifice more for you, for our relationship. Because I’m so sweet when I talk about ‘us’ instead of ‘you’ and then ‘me.’ Maybe. 

But who really knows because I’m here writing out my thoughts when I should be sleeping. 

That’s how I know that something really bothers me - when I can’t sleep. 

Or when I fall asleep from exhaustion. Exhaustion of my mind trying to justify what’s going on between us. Exhaustion of my body because I physically feel my heart beat faster from my anxiety, my stomach feeling empty and low as if my body were tossed off a ledge and all I could feel was falling, my entire body, it aches, because when I’m stressing out and when I’m sad it tenses up like a solid wall that my brain is building to block the hurt out, the sadness out, you out. 

And when I try to talk to you about it, it’s due diligence because my boyfriend deserves to know how I’m feeling. 

Or does he. 

Tonight I told you that our relationship thrives off of me giving more than 100%, and you said that it did thrive off me going the extra mile. 

You asked me why I was sad. I said a multitude of reasons. 

One of them I fear is going to haunt me forever. 

Never being the woman that was enough to allow you to see that clearly your previous wasn’t comparable, and that I’m different, and that I’m enough, and that I’m what you want, and all that you want, and that I’m enough. Never being enough for any of it. 

You tell me that that’s not what it is. That it’s you, not me. That you just need time. When you say that, I think of ‘the giving tree.’ 

The tree gives and gives, and gives, and gives, and gives, and gives, and gives and gives. Then one day there’s nothing left to give. 

I fear that this going to go of two ways because I know how I am. 

One - I fear that you will eventually say that I am, indeed, enough. And when that day comes I will have given so much that I will resent you. 

Two - I fear that you will never think that I am, indeed, enough. And when that day comes I will have given so much that I will have lost myself. 

Resentment or remittance? 

Do I grow to hate the guy that I like(d) so much? 

Or do I grow to give all the allowance I have to end up with zero investment? 

Or do I fulfill my mother’s prophecy that somehow we workout but I’m sad for the rest of my life because I like you more than you like me? 

How do I cut things off without over damaging myself? How do I walk away?

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SPH. 

When I think of you, my brain draws the first few things to the forefront of my eyes - 

One, your eyes. The crinkle of how they arch when you smile, and the wrinkles beneath them because when you laugh really hard, your skin crunches from your raised cheek bones as your smile extends up your face. 

Two your smile. The one with a missing tooth that your dentist doctor says some people are just ‘born without.’

Next, my brain pulls the sound of your laughter, it echoes the same six beats when you pull the laugh from your heart, full of energy and pulsing with a familiar rhythm. 

When I think of you, I wonder what’s in store for us. I wonder what’s in store for me, what God is trying to tell me, or teach me. 

I find goosebumps that speed from my arms to the hairs on my legs because I know that my concerns are going down this dark road but I try so hard to take a detour. 

It exhausts me - physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. To think that God would have brought you into my life to challenge the pain that I feel and the fear that I suffocate in. 

A lot of the time, I feel like the happiness overpowers the pain, and that I’m so happy, calm, and serene in your arms. Then other times, I feel the pain and I don’t know if it really is overpowering. 

I pray that God guides me to where I’m supposed to be. I pray and hope that maybe it’s with you. 

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Things can change so fast... 

[gomcgill]

“Sometimes you just have to stay silent because no words can explain what’s going on in your mind and heart.” — Unknown Author

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4/29: It’s 9:29 p.m. and I’m sitting in my empty studio. 

The roar of car engines in the distance echoes in the wind and I can hear the tires rubbing friction against the rain some mile away. 

To my left, the yellow twinkle lights dim their touch against the rain drops on the window and the wind gently slips through the cracked frame, which I propped open to air out the place. 

When I think of last night, I think of how my heart throbbed. My hands, they went numb from the wrist to the tips of my finger, or the tips I couldn’t feel. 

I gasped for air and it felt like I was almost drowning, salt water filling my lungs and the pressure so strong that I thought my chest might burst. 

“Thank you. God must’ve heard my prayers because he sent me you.”

This post probably sounds like an emo love song mixed with some author’s unpublished novel, but I don’t know how else to put all these things. 

I do know that I have a 10 page paper (which actually isn’t that much, until you start writing it), due tomorrow and that I’m not finished. 

You left Michigan today. I’ve said farewells and see you laters, but today was the first time I’ve had to do it in so long. 

It hurt. It sucked. I cried. I struggled. I went through phases where I told myself things would be okay, then forced myself to go outside and to engage in life, then ended up plopped on my bed from exhaustion. 

At this point, I know that I don’t love you. But why is it that I feel like I need you? That when you hurt me I can’t breathe? Why has God placed us in each others lives?

To be continued... 

[rosy-wood]

[fashion-clue]

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