She awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day her heart would descend from her chest into her stomach. By early afternoon she was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for her, and by the desire to be alone. By evening she was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of her grief, alone in her aimless guilt, alone even in her loneliness, ‘I am not sad’. She would repeat to herself over and over, ‘I am not sad’. As if she might one day convince herself, or fool herself, or convince others. The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know you are sad. ‘I am not sad. I am not sad’. Because her life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as if it was an empty white room. She would fall asleep with her heart at the foot of her bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of her at all. And each morning she would wake with it again. In the cupboard of her rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by mid afternoon she was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else... ‘I am not sad.
I am not sad'.
∞
Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.
The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.
Alan Watts (via jaded-mandarin)
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