(≧ω≦) @-dewgong - Tumblr Blog

i deserve to be spoken to with respect.

if that’s too hard of a concept for some people, then don’t talk to them anymore.

i have so much support in my life. i have so much love from my wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen. i’m so in love. i never thought i would ever see the day, but it finally happened. it really does get better.

i never want a child. i never want my child to feel how i feel. i never want my child to be constantly torn between wanting to improve themselves and wanting to give up completely. i never want my child to feel any of the pain i feel almost on a daily basis. i never want my child to hate themselves as much as i hate myself.

ten years. i’ve been hurting myself and hating myself for over ten years now. i started cutting my wrists when i was just twelve. why the hell? no twelve year old should suffer through that. especially me. i had no reason. my life’s really, really good. even now i shouldn’t have any reason to be so sad, but i am. and i dont understand why. i just thought about this now; it’s been ten years. i thought i’d be so different in ten years. i thought i’d be so much happier with a giant boost of self confidence, but i still cant stand to look myself in the mirror. i see nothing worthwhile. i want to take this as a wake up call. i really do, but there’s a giant part of me that knows i won’t. it knows that i still will just wallow in this absurd amount of sadness that looms over me constantly. i wish i had never picked up that razor. i wish i never sliced my wrists or my thighs or anything. i wish i didn’t have scars that i have to look at every day which are a constant reminder of what an absolute failure i am. i wish i could be the kind of person who looks at the positives and who doesn’t crumble when one lousy thing goes bad. i wish i could be that kind of person, but i’m just not. i’m stuck like this.

i don't want this to be over.

you make me happy but scared i cant help but think that i’m wasting my time do you want the same things i want? you keep saying you dont have feelings not just toward me but in general but then you say you like me i see your smile; it’s genuine just like mine. we’re good together. why cant we actually be together then?

i’m confused but im just going to enjoy whatever this is.

although i hope soon it can be something more.

i smile just at the thought of you i'm so happy you exist

can't stop thinking about how much i'd rather be in your bed with you

your kisses make my heart burst with such joy!! your lips are so soft. you're such gentle... forehead kisses, cheek kisses, even light kisses on my bruised thigh. then you can be so passionate. deepening the kisses as were tangling up with one another in bed. i can't stop smiling when i'm thinking about you. what have you done to me?

i had only been 22 for a day but it already felt amazing. you're the reason why. you made my birthday magical. "magical" sounds so ridiculous, like a disney cliche. i don't know how else to describe it. you just make me better. thank you.

there are so many things to like about you but what really makes my heart fly is how you never pressure me to do anything. that's always been my worst fear but you've made everything so easy. i feel so safe with you. thank you.

i'm so much happier with you around. the weight on my heart has dropped. yesterday you even said it yourself: "you're grinning from ear to ear." i could only reply with the truth... "i'm happy." you make me feel human again. you make me feel worthy. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i am so frustrated with my parents and with myself and how they make me fee over something as stupid as a birthday party but holy shit do they know how to make me feel like the worst fucking person in the world like forgive me for asking and getting upset when you have this insane assumption that my friends are going to go off and get drunk and sue you like fuck off you know all of them and you know they're not like that and then you tell me i have an attitude when i'm upset? fuck you.

as i lay here in my bed on my own i grow sad. i'd much rather by in your arms and feel your breath against my neck as you fall asleep next to me. i miss the warmth. i miss how good it feels. oh god "good" is such a weak word. there are too many "good" things in this world. you're so much better than that, but i can't seem to find the right word for you.

as i lay on you i feel so steady. we talk about everything from death to your favorite childhood cartoon. i tell you my secret. your unchanged, still relaxed. a wave of relief crashes into me. we drive home. as i'm about to leave you pull me back. "never doubt that you're great." such simple words with a such an immense impact. after that, i could kiss you forever. you're so much kinder than you think.

in your mother's car, spread across the back seat, we lay. after all the play, i hold onto you and you me. your fingers gently trail up and down my back as i burrow my face against your chest. skin on skin, such a vulnerable place, but i'm at peace. i feel safe. i feel happy. i hope deep down in your heart you do too.

kissing you is one of my favorite things to do. i love how spontaneous you can be: in the middle of a billiards hall--it's my turn--i'm thinking about my move and slightly swaying my body to the music--you're in back of me--suddenly all i hear is an "i'm sorry" followed by "i have to do this"--you grab my hand and pull me in--you press your lips against mine roughly, passionately--i'm in awe, yet completely at peace as i begin to kiss back. i love how gentle you can be: a drive home after a long and fun night--my head against your chest; my eyes begin to close--your finger intertwining with my hair--i begin to drift away--the only thing to bring back to reality are your soft kisses on the top of my head--a beautiful way to bring me back down to earth. i love how rough you can be: alone together in your house--we lay on the bed; our skin touching--you grab your cup of vodka, chug it down--you smile down at me before slamming your lips against mine--our bodies move in harmony--i laugh, you ask why--i'm afraid to say the real reason; that i'm so incredibly happy at this very moment, that i'm in utter ecstasy--i lie; make a joke, reach for your lips so we can begin again. your lips on mine is my favorite place to be.

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