i stopped using this blog like 4 years ago bc i became less catastrophically depressed and also i felt that after my last major breakup i was using it in a really self destructive & self flagellating way, & i pretty much stopped using twitter like a year ago too because i could feel myself becoming a certified Boyfriend Girl and it was annoying. and i havenât been journaling for a few years either. idk why, i think maybe bc i was just sick of thinking & talking about myself. i havenât been in therapy or taken any medication in like 3 years either. idk, iâve just been trying to live my life & itâs mostly been working. i donât live with my mom anymore. i have a really wonderful partner and weâre very in love, & itâs been two years & i havenât done anything to blow it up yet. i have a semi-grownup job that i make like zero money at & iâm way too emotionally entangled with, but it doesnât make me want to kill myself, so it beats making lattes. i still feel a white hot lance of panic in my brain when i think about the future, but thereâs nothing i can really do about that. iâm like a ânormalâ weight now, which upsets me if i actually think about it, so mostly i just lock that part of my brain in a cage and call it a day. idk. maybe thatâs ârecoveryâ maybe iâm just being a coward about it. i feel a lot of guilt bc i used to pay attention to the world and what was happening in it, & i had a lot of opinions about justice and fairness and the fate of humanity, and now i pretty much just play d&d and listen to podcasts of other people playing d&d. i only want to listen to the same albums and watch the same movies i already like. i think i should probably make new friends bc all my old ones keep moving away, but the thought of doing that makes me really tired. iâm only 27 which feels too young for my personality and interests to become this fossilized.
& i know this all sounds like complaining, but iâm mostly pretty happy these days. things are more good than bad.
idk why i felt the need to write this all out, i think iâve just been feeling like⊠intellectually flat these days. like i used to spend a lot more time thinking about. uh everything i guess. i feel like i sacrificed my interest and curiosity for the world in exchange for being less miserable and it worked but now iâm kind of bored.
i really donât know what the point of this is!
i guess if youâre out there, so am i, & i hope youâre doing well.
