call me whatever @0bsc3ne - Tumblr Blog

ok updating my pinned bc the old one was like. two years old and horribly out of date. uhhh. am 20, he/him. call me whatever. vent acc, clearly. got themes of eds (though i try my best to not be explicitly triggering w specific numbers and shit like that) and the general hell that is being transmasc. also got a stalker ex now so. that's fun! mostly just here to yell into a void. on ocassion be horny-sad in the same way crywank is. ok yea that's it

the joy of seeing someone You Taught Your Art succeeding and being given fantastic opportunities vs the jealousy (that i know is very valid for me to feel, but i also know better than to express it in a way that gets back to them, so here i am, but like, fuck, man. i am so thrilled for them but also. ergh.. the self-doubt. i dont like feeling like this.)

#i am going to break this damn cycle #and not neg them the way my mentor did to me #they are not going to feel even a HINT of negativity and i WILL die on that promise #but #arhahfhdhehrurufufuufjgguf

finally updated my vr headset. i can install new custom beat saber maps. i am currently hyperfixated on aforementioned beat saber. i am about to lose all 10 fuckin pounds through Nothing but beat saber

#unfortunately doing 2+ hours of intense cardio a day #requires eating more carbs #and i am Not enjoying that

realising you're getting to be An Adult is... something. went out today to support one of my highschool friends at a music gig, and he pointed out to me that the guitar he was playing on was rhe same one he'd bring to school everyday and play in the corner of the courtyard for the entirety of lunch. and I recognised some of the songs from back then, too. i went outside after and saw my ex-boyfriend in highschool/current-close-friend who i haven't seen in a minute and he had his recently acquired bird with him and we sat and chatted. he'd always wanted a bird when we were in highschool but only ever owned mammals. and then some girl we both would sit with at lunch showed up with her friend group and she didnt recognise either of us until a five minute conversation about the bird had commenced. and she spoke the Exact same way she did then. and it was just. a Very bizarre feeling to be surrounded by everyone like that and just be so Aware of how much shit has changed

forgot how easy it is to not eat for twelve hours when you're sleeping properly and Actively Doing Stuff. wow

being around cis men who perceive me as cis and treat/socialize with me as such has done bizarre things to my psyche. what the fuck do you mean i just weighed in at 130lb as opposed to my personally preferred healthy-low of 120 and my first thought was "fucking finally, i won't be made fun of for being skinny anymore" instead of "damn, time to restrict again"

#I mean ill still be restricting i can feel my legs rubbing against each other and it Sucks and i need it Gone #but like. wow. ya know.

need external structure (to be forced to retain a schedule) vs my body's willingness to sleep (unreliable and will cause me to be sleep-deprived if i have regular obligations)

#Saturday. up at like 7am #nonstop worked til 9pm bc pride event #got home around 11pm #not tired. phone call til like 1am #ate a Bigass meal to knock myself out #Still Not Tired At All #took 500mg magnesium and conked out around 5 #up again at 11am #back from work at 6ish #ate. laid down. out by like 8pm #awake again at 11pm bc absolutely horrid dream. and like. a Real deep one too #havent been tired since and its now 3am #and not for lack of trying to sleep #at least i have no plans til like. tuesday evening. woo.

hhhhhhh now that i'm unemployed (or reasonably employed, just freelance + occasional shifts at the shop) i wanna bedrot and eat Nothing and lose a fuckton of weight that way but also wanna take advantage of full-dosing testosterone and workout and build muscle. hell world

#i havent stepped on a scale in so long #but all my clothes seem to fit the same #theres one particular pair of shorts where theyre already oversized so i had to safety pin the waist tighter #and i am fairly certain that they sit different than they used to a few months ago #but i cannot tell if its tighter or looser

slowly realising that i like The Concept of being in a relationship more than actually doing so.

#back to once again wondering if i've ever actually had a crush or if it's all just limerance #bc i know for a damn fact that i don't have any romantic feelings towards this 35 year old friend of mine that my brain is Locked Onto #but it sure feels the same exact way as when i was locked onto an appropriately-aged 23 year old friend of mine #or maybe not like. full obsessive limerance #but my brain has Locked Onto this man as like. i just Really enjoy spending time with him and it feels like a crush #but theres ZERO romantic feelings. none. absolutely not and it would feel VERY weird if there were.#hes just like a really cool uncle or older brother to me who i really look up to #and the more i think abt it. every time i've had that same mental obsession with someone my own age it hasn't really ever been romantic #its just that the easiesr way to spend a Lot of time with someone is to be in a relationship with them

on one hand i am very glad that i transitioned young bc my deadname legally got erased + hrt stopped the Worst of irreversible afab puberty + very few people even know i'm trans. on the other hand. i just put on a very pretty dress bc i'm crossdressing for an upcoming pride month event and. man. i will never know the experience of being a pretty girl in a pretty dress. which feels fundamentally different from being a pretty man in a pretty dress.

body feels very weird. have horrid insomnia. but i've been oddly hungry the last few days?? which rationally i know its bc i'm eating less (it's not disordered if i'm trying to consume less food for money reasons!! that's how it works!!) but. man. i just feel Off right now. and i have for a few days.

#i think some of it is judt that i have felt like its a day ahead since like. tuesday #it doesnt feel like tmrw is friday #One Mlre Day at this job #One More Day #and i am Free #im gonna try to go bsck to bed bc im feeling tired again #but.#One. More. Day.

four more days til my two weeks is up. god bless. either I'm going into some manic-adjacent episode or i'm already getting my spark back. i genuinely haven't felt this light and motivated and creative in months. i felt so fucking good this weekend. four more days.

#probably gonna call out tmrw #its gonna be raining all day and that makes cycling as solo transport a Pain #and i think i sneezed and sniffled enough today that a fever is believable #and its the only day where i wont miss anything by being gone

how it feels to go to bed knowing I'm putting in my two weeks tomorrow

#I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE MY SPARK BACK

i don't want to tell any irl friends exact numbers (because i am very, very fortunate to have a family to live with and a lifestyle that doesn't require the moneysink of a car and i don't want to feel like i'm rubbing that in people's faces, yk?) but i also want to be excited about this properly: i finally have 20 grand in savings. i've been working at it for nearly three years now but i finally have 20 goddamn grand. i have enough to comfortably say, whenever i want, "fuck it, i'm done, i'm moving to sweden" and i have enough that i can guarantee an apartment and enough to live off of while waiting for a job. i finally have enough that i can start saving for new camera gear and other expensive quality of life things i've held off of. i am so fucking proud of myself

dollscissors-deactivated2026021

on one hand. i understand my friends all have their own lives and their own shit going on. on the other hand i work THREE GODDAMN JOBS and FREELANCE SIDE-GIGS and have spent the LAST MONTH in the depths of organizing an art show and plans to see aforementioned friends keep getting canceled and just. fuck!!!! i rearrange obligations and organise my plans fucking METICULOUSLY but yeah sure we won't go thrifting clothing for plans we've been discussing for WEEKS just bc your mom wanted to go thrift bedsheets with you and now you've had your fill of thrifting for the day. sure. whatever. fine, i guess. thanks for the half-hour notice of cancelation.

#and it sucks bc like #i cant really get that upset with them #so my frustration isnt at them specifically #as much as the Whole Concept of the situation #but it just really fucking sucks #bc even though almost all my friends joke abt how im the busiest person they know #in moments like this it really just feels like they dont realise or really even acknowledge #how much effort i put into still having time and opportunity to see and spend time with them :[

i hate how i Want to do things. but i just. Cannot bring myself too. shit sucks.

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call me whatever