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It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr đ„ł
Abusive parents can shape you to believe there's two types of people in the world: successes and failures. You continually need to prove that you are not a failure, while, being forced to always be afraid you'll become one, and the goal you're presented with is to somehow become a success, which also you are told, is impossible for you.
The failures can be defined differently, based on what parents believe; it's usually people without a job, home, money, struggling with illnesses or addictions, but it can also be any kind of person the parent hates; if they're politically aligned, then anyone posing threat to their politics, if they're religious, then anyone outside the religion. If they have a relative or neighbour they don't like, then this person is also the failure, and you must not become like them. Successes are the people parents are charmed by, and people universally acknowledged as successful; people who have big properties, money, influence, power, fame, who are able to act in a charming way and come off confident and influential. Possibly have a cult going on.
 As you grow, you may begin to realize that everything you do somehow leads you to become 'the failure', and no matter how hard you try to fit into the success group, nothing you do right counts, or is acknowledged in any way. Your grades are never good enough, you never show enough talent, you're never good enough at anything, your behaviour is criticized no matter what, you are made to feel like you'll make nothing of yourself no matter how hard you try. And this just goes on as you grow up; no job you land is good enough, if they even let you have a job, no achievement or success is acknowledged, it's only if you do something that specifically gives positive attention to your parents, and lets them live trough your success, that you can fleetingly get a little bit of approval, and at all other times you are a failure.
This can send you into an impossible mission to prove to them that you are something, that you can do things if you try your best; it can cause endless stress both in academic setting and at your job, trying to do the impossible and constantly fearing it won't be enough, you'll make a mistake, it will prove that your parents were right. If you keep going, it leads into anxiety, perfectionism, exhaustion, numbness, and finally burnout. And it doesn't change, no matter what you do, you never change your position of failure in your parents eyes.
And eventually you might realize, that even if you did something incredible, like won a nobel prize, achieved world peace, ended world hunger, your parents would still treat it as 'you were lucky this one time' and decide you're not worth anything and move on with their day. There never was a way for you to achieve their approval; more over, the very system of belief they presented to you is false. There is no division of people into successes and failures.
As you mature and learn more about people in the world, you can find out that most people who are considered a success, have their achievements over-exaggerated, often the work is sourced elsewhere, exploited or stolen, money made off of backs of other people. The fame often comes from projection, acting, and careful curation of their public appearance. In current system there are almost no people who reach success by working hard, and those who do, generally struggle severely, and have their pain erased and dismissed by the general public. The 'successful' people generally, do not contribute to society in a meaningful way. Rather, they leech off of it.
The ones presented as failures, are usually people just failed by the system. Those without jobs, families, money, property, struggling with illnesses, addictions, systematic oppression and isolation, are people who have done nothing to deserve or cause any of that. There's also no lines between the 'successfull' and the struggling, lots of people are in both categories. World is so densely nuanced and complicated, one person might have done incredible things in their life, and then experienced the rock bottom due to circumstances out of their control.
The very concept of looking down on people who are struggling, is ignorant and shameful. It's a sign of apathy and superiority complex. And your parents not only convinced you that this was the only true way to look at society, but they used that very concept against you. To make you feel like you, a child, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, are deserving of being looked down at. That you are by default, the part of society they are right to look at with 'deserved' contempt and patronizing. And they, the parents, were directly responsible both for putting you into the world and deciding your socio-economic circumstances, your situation is a reflection of their actions. And they had the nerve to act like you're worth less than they are, just for existing, something that was completely out of your, and in their control.
You belong to the world, and your circumstances are out of your control, just like everyone else's. There's no category to sort you into, because people's lives are not reflected by black and white categories, you're complex, varied, you bring something to the world just by being yourself and existing. You are not to be singled out for how you live! And your life and your worth should not be decided by ignorance of two people who have never looked at another person and had any idea what they're looking at.
I've been seeing a lot of articles coming out in bigger papers lately, defending abusive parents and bashing children who cut-contact with their parents and I really, really hate it. For the obvious reasons like victim-blaming and how those children would feel if they heard people talking shit in the news about them doing something so fucking brave and scary.
But also because I see the headlines and clip-its and I recognize things I've been told by my parents and the people who defend them, as well as things they've told others [about me] and it makes me feel ill.
But worse is that there's a little part of me that sees these stories about children who've cut contact with their abusive parents and feels really, really helpless because I don't have the independence or resources to even imagine myself living a life like that. I don't have money, I don't even have the capability to have a job; I know I might never leave.
But I do take comfort in the fact that all these other people are managing to get away from their abusive situations. Much love to them. And much love to those still within our abusive situations, wishing you all the best.
People look so different once you don't care about them anymore. You begin to notice how ordinary they are, how it was your love that made them unique.
i shouldnât be in social situations i should be in my coffin
watching my 2 year old babble and squeal makes me feel a sense of guilt. i always think "im sorry" cause soon society is going to strip away the pure happiness like leeches
i feel like tumblr is like my second world like i come from school TUMBLR, wake up from a nap TUMBLR, finish dinner TUMBLR, after a shower TUMBLR, before bed TUMBLR, before school TIMBLR and the craziest part is no one in my real life knows abt it (id probably cry if my friends or family saw the paige smut i read on here)
"If they really cared about me, THEY would pursue me" goes both ways. You can't expect someone else to put in the work of maintaining a relationship if you aren't invested enough to meet them halfway
They donât want us to struggle but then get mad when we arenât struggling like they did.
k.b. // by @/valorajn - tiktok
i miss the good old days where Im with all my friends and they can spend time with me as well without plans or priorities.
Tomorrow when I wake up I might not remember that I missed them tonight. But In my heart I know we all happened. and we were happy. young. and ofcourse my definition of cool.
Cutting off parents is so fulfilling and powerful and i wanna let the kid who's still tryna have that relationship with their abusive parent know that it's not worth it. There's no magic combination of words that will make them take responsibility, just cut them off and move on.
It sucks having a mom who's a good person but a bad parent.
My own family was never particularly playful. Love was portioned out, something to be both carefully guarded and left alone in the hopes that it would grow on its own overnight, like cultures in a petri dish.
âItâs not your parentâs fault!â Ah yes. The folks who had the most influence and control over me during the most formative years of my life, indeed, had little to no bearing on my personality and coping mechanisms, today. Bruh, you gotta get to the root of a problem if you wanna heal, and sometimes that means acknowledging your parents done messed up. Sometimes in pretty major ways. And itâs okay to be upset about it.
Academic validation is more rewarding than any other validation, so go study and make your parents proud and live the life you want.
idk if itâs the mental illness but sharing literally any information feels like oversharing. iâll be like âi skipped breakfast this morningâ and immediately im like âi might as well have told them where i buried the moneyâ