Fingers Crossed

Infertility warrior after 5 rounds of IVF. Surprise baby #2 at 40. Still dealing with body image issues at 42. And always trying to keep my marriage from falling apart.

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I Tracked Down The Girls Who Bullied Me As A Kid. Here's What They Had To Say. — HuffPost

"Being able to zoom out and get some perspective ... underscored that we can never really know what’s going on in other people’s lives."

#soreleventtomiddleschool

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I don’t get many compliments from my husband. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I received one.

He bought me a fancy mountain bike and went out for the first time today. He said he was really impressed with how well I did.

That’s huge.

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I was wrong.

I don’t hate Mother’s Day anymore.

I actually had a lovely day. 💕

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This day

Even now, after having a baby, I hate Mother’s Day. I try not to go on Facebook but I do. All the fakey, lovey posts from husbands who claim their children have the best mothers makes me wanna puke.

#fakeday

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#same #evenwith2babies #maybebabiesdaddyistheproblem

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Hope things are going well for you!

Hi whomever you are. Once again, thanks for thinking of me. I’m thinking I know you IRL? Anyways, things are going well and raising 2 Little’s is just busy and tiring as you probably know. Things are very much better with Husband and I, thanks to some good old EFT. He is very busy and has a very successful practice so time with him is few and far between. I’ve just excepted this is what I married and I should be proud of him. The remodel is coming along slowly but will be the most gorgeous house. The babies are good. Addison is such a delight when he’s not acting like a terrible almost 2. And Andrew, well he is the cutest thing but he still has some sleep issues to work out that keeps him on the cranky side. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Oh, I get to ride my Peloton bike sometimes which I love. I think I’m going to get a real mountain bike one of these weekends though!

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How are you and the little ones doing? Are things improving with your husband?

Hi whoever you are. Thanks for thinking of me. Life is so busy right now, I barely get time to go to the bathroom, let alone write. The Little’s are busy. It’s hard to get anything done unless I have a babysitter. I’ve had a lot of help which I’m thankful for and I’m even more thankful that Addison is starting “school” on Monday’s and Thursdays.

Things have been ok with my husband. When we can, we go to counseling. We’ve got a lot of distractions right now with the babes and the remodeling of the new house. I think that helps things for the time being. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pics because they are so cute . . .

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This little guy came home Friday night. Let me tell u, a planned c section makes a world of difference (compared to an emergency one). Things are going pretty well for this fella.

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T-3 days

So things with husband are slightly better. We had a good counseling session this week. I don’t think he really wants to divorce right now. Although, we did not get to address if he really meant what he said last weekend. I am hopeful right now that we can enjoy this baby that is coming on Tuesday. We are also going through with remodeling the super expensive house and making it even more super expensive. Demo starts now. Finances are going to be tight for awhile. No more fancy vacations. Which I am ok with. We are going to be stuck at home with babies anyways. Well I will be. 😡

Feeling lots of mom guilt about spending less time with baby #1. It’s going to be an exciting but hard week. Strangely, I’m looking forward to my vacation at the hospital.

Wish me luck. I’m a little nervous after my traumatic birth experience last time, but my Dr assures me planned c sections go pretty smoothly.

I’ll post a pic when I can!

#itsalmostbabyday #cantwait #stillcantbelieveigotpregnantonmyown

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Thank you all . . .

For your concern and support. I don’t know what is going to happen. He acknowledges now is not the right time for a divorce but it doesn’t make things any better. I just have to continue living with divorce over my head? It’s awful. And it’s awful because I feel awful being this pregnant and getting no support from him.

Support I do have is a nanny starting this week. I will also have a post partum doula. Then in September we basically have family coming all month. Am I supposed to tell them, we will be divorcing at some point?

We started to finally see a counselor last week. We see him again Tuesday. I don’t have high hopes for this.

I think I’m going to tell my Dr tomorrow that he wants a divorce so she knows how much stress I’m under right now. I feel so fragile right now and I can’t sleep. Maybe she can prescribe me something to get me through this next week.

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I’m so sorry your husband is springing this on you at the worst possible time. That he would do this while you are preparing to give birth to his child says a LOT about his character and level of selfishness. Concentrate on a healthy birth, then get the best lawyer you can find. You moved across the country for HIS career, time to make him pay...

Thank you. All he cares about is if he can go out on his boat this weekend or next. It’s amazing that a neurosurgeon can be this selfish and make his pregnant wife even more stressed out. I will definitely find a good lawyer when the time comes.

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My husband and I haven’t had sex since our child was conceived. Our child is three years old. I know that doesn’t help your situation, but know that you’re not alone. At least you have financial stability. We are going through bankruptcy. My husband is a very involved parent, but that doesn’t necessarily equal a happy home life. Just be careful. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Thank you. I’m so sorry that you guys are going through such a tough time as well. I definitely won’t be filing any divorce papers soon, even if I say I would like to. If life with him is crappy 2 years from now, yes. I know I need to give it time.

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Do you think he is faithful? You’re a nurse... you know how many doctors are... You have to tell him how you feel. Don’t let him blow it off and say you are hormonal. Give him ultimatums and tell him exactly what needs to change. Then be willing to follow through. Wait til after baby if you need to, but like you said, adding a new little one to the mix won’t make this easier.

Him being unfaithful is the one thing I honestly don’t worry about. I have accused him though of wanting to screw someone else only because if I was in his situation, I would! Last night we tried to talk it didn’t go well. It’s like my feelings don’t matter to him and it’s all about him. He’s so selfish, I can’t stand it.I have a call out to a marriage counselor this morning.

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All these awful thoughts in my head, so I have decided to write them down. Maybe it will help?

Reading a lot of your posts about how you can’t parent alone and are grateful for having an involved spouse, kind of has sparked this. I am envious. I am pissed at myself for having choose the wrong guy to marry and have kids with. Just like my mother did and possibly her mother. The cycle never ends folks. I thought I was being smart, marrying later in life and finding what I really “wanted”. I thought I was being smart marrying a successful surgeon who treated me nicely. Someone who liked what I did and shared the same views. Obviously that is not enough. Here I am almost 9 months pregnant and all I can think about is divorcing this man. 

It’s really hard taking care of a 1 year old all by yourself and it’s been like this pretty much baby’s whole life. If I want to do anything for myself, I have to get a sitter. Husband typically comes home from work an hour before baby’s bedtime and spends a little time with him. He’ll carry him around a bit while he makes his fucking cocktail. Then he proceeds to watch the news. I give baby a bath and nighttime bottle. I ask husband to read the bedtime story 90% of the time when he is home at bedtime. Thats the M-F normal time he spends with baby. After baby goes down, I make dinner. He may help make dinner if I read the bedtime story which is probably once a week. 

Weekends aren’t that much better because 90% of the time, it’s me doing everything, I’ve told him since being pregnant, that I want a girls weekend. I never got that, since his schedule didn’t jive with my friends schedule and he gave me awful dates. Memorial weekend, fathers day weekend. So I wanted a day to myself. That hasn’t happened. SO today I get a morning to myself and go to a spa for a facial. Which. was. WONDERFUL! But I had to tell husband how to feed baby lunch. He’s never really fed him other than when we go out. And he had baby take a over 2 hour morning nap. So baby wouldn’t go down for his afternoon nap. He went mountain biking. 

Sorry for all the boring complaining. I know, we need counseling. It’s just really hard to find time right now as I don’t have my consistent babysitter anymore. All of this rage I feel will probably be worse after baby #2 is born. It’s just awful we don’t really talk anymore. It’s been like over a year since he’s told me I am beautiful, probably the same for “I love you”. He doesn’t kiss me hello, goodbye, or goodnight anymore. That stopped like 6 months ago. I feel like it’s just an awful existence I am living by being with him. If I pretty much parent alone anyways, what difference will there be if there is a divorce? I would probably have time to myself then since he would need time with the kids. It’s awful I am thinking this way. Enough for now, I want it to get better but I don’t think it will. 

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One year in the books . . .

My sweet, funny now one year old barely touched his smash cake. He touched it with one finger and proceeded to let the dog lick his fingers. So the next day, what does pregnant mommy do? You guessed it. I ate most of the smash cake myself, minus the frosting. 😳

#amallreadyfat #sowhatstheharm 😩

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This day

Even now, after having a baby, I hate Mother’s Day. I try not to go on Facebook but I do. All the fakey, lovey posts from husbands who claim their children have the best mothers makes me wanna puke.

#fakeday

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20 weeks! And how different I look at 20 weeks this time compared to last year with this little guy. Had my anatomy ultrasound yesterday and baby looks great! How ever, I was diagnosed with placenta previa. Anyone else have this? I’m on pelvic rest, no exercise and no lifting restrictions. It’s pretty much impossible with this guy though. I may need a nanny sooner than later. Fingers crossed the placenta ends up moving as I grow and that I don’t bleed. I’m so scared of bleeding . . .