[1102015]

It's not even worth the effort to make another post about how disappointed I am yet again. When will I learn?

[1102015]

whyyyyy,

why don’t I ever slip a five in when I get to fifteen? my dumb ass gets overly confident and I lose every fuckin time. these chink motherfuckers have taken enough money of mine and I end up on the streets starving and broke because I’m fucked up about sticking a goddamn five dollar bill in so I can ticket out and make $10 off their bitch asses?

no more I tell you. I vow to cheat whenever possible from here on out.

oh and next time some bitch like Leah sits down and starts talking or just watching me push my button or kc asks me for money, I’m going to lose my fucking shit.

[1102015]

i find it hard to believe you're seriously as incompetent as you act

like, since we first started hanging out, when you'd just recently gotten out of prison, before we ever hooked up, before the kro thing, when i still stayed at sisco's and I'd make him let you come home with us from big ten because i felt bad for you, I've never been able to figure out if you're just seriously that dumb or if you're just fuckin with me. i mean there's no way you just don't get it to the extent you play it off that you don't. you have to irritate the shit out of me intentionally. i don't know why you feel the need to cause me such annoyance, but you literally make me want to cry you piss me off so bad sometimes. like there's no way somebody can have adhd as bad as you and not be either purposely pushing my buttons or considered legally retarded. why can't you just be normal? or like, not so god damn whatever you are? i will never be happy at this rate. God i hope Sam comes through tonight.

[1102015]

i know i bitch a lot and lately I've been biting my tongue like crazy because i don't want to be alone anymore and i know i push people away with my negativity, but is if so much to ask for a guy to be considerate enough to make sure I'm fed and watered? i mean it's more than just me being hungry or thirsty, it's my baby too. and dad isn't here to look out for me. neither is anyone else really. God knows how well i do trying to take care of myself. it hurts because it's practically saying "i don't give a fuck about you to the extent that i will eat in front of your face knowing you're pregnant and hungry too"... i can't cry about it too much because then I'll be all by myself again so for now i will just continue to hide my disappointment.

[1102015]

I've been crying like a little bitch over dudes that i don't even know. there's no reason for it. I'm embarrassing myself but i can't help that i miss the company of one or the other. i literally want to vomit I'm so upset and the tears randomly come and go as i sit in these little chink homes with my eyes glued to the surveillance cameras and my ears open for the sound of his truck. it's pathetic. I've lost everyone to jail or circumstances involving the gameroom or dope. i wish i had friends. i make myself sick.

[1102015]

first it was him, now his homeboy... what's with all these feelings? why am i getting so attached to guys these days? I'm so lonely it physically hurts. i am broke with no cigarettes and no drugs... that whole nine yards... and somehow I've found myself back at josh's (i know, i know, let me take a moment to go ahead and call myself a dumbass ahead of time) and it sucks majorly here like always but it was more appealing than olay's at the time. plus I'm pathetic and i know homeboy is usually in this area and a part of me hopes to miraculously wind up running into him. i just want to cry and sleep. anything else requires far more effort than i have in me.

[1102015]

sometimes i kinda wish that machete had cut you just a little deeper

[1102015]

i am going to fuck the shit out of your homeboy

i promise that homeboy. you’re pathetic and disgusting. i hate you i hate you.

[1102015]

well i kept my promise. and somehow, ironically, I'm the pathetic one now... rereading my furious text messages, eating my hateful words. i can barely look at the things i sent to you, how obviously driven out of control with my emotions i had been when i sent those messages. it's humiliating, and furthermore degrading. i seem to have no problem with making every situation worse by my inability to apply any positive coping skill whatsoever. everything is my fault yet i still get butthurt over shit, only to realize i can't even wallow in self-pity because whatever the deal is, I'm so directly responsible for everything bad that happens that i just become irritated with myself for even trying to act as if I'm some kind of victim. i don't know how i feel about that phonecall. i know there's regret, and a part of me that wishes to fully buy your words but then the skeptical, paranoid feeling that it was a set up type thing (3-way call perhaps?) to redhandedly catch me being a hypocritical slut, and that would be the logical explanation to why your homeboy is outside revving his engine and bumping his system at a completely absurd level, relentlessly tricking the alarm on a car parked a few places down, with that ugly chick from last night sitting in the car all of a sudden.

to summarize, im stupid and i hate myself.

[1102015]

i am going to fuck the shit out of your homeboy

i promise that homeboy. you’re pathetic and disgusting. i hate you i hate you.

[1102015]

i feel like a fool

for letting somebody make me feel and look like such an idiot, as if i don’t do that myself

I’m not even going to get started on the long list of shit he has/hasn’t done to wound the little scrap of pride i have left. I’d have been better off not even seeing his dumb ass, thinking he’s running game on me like I’m buying his cheesy ass bullshit he spits.

it’s alright, wait until the first chance to fuck with him back comes up. i gotta figure out how to stop fucking loser ass dudes. seriously.

[1102015]

crying over a guy

is not normal. i might get hurt a little (or a lot) but it's not something i admit to anyone, and i certainly do my best to conceal it if it happens. i thought i had managed to bury that kind of shit somewhere so deep that it wouldn't possibly resurface anytime soon. but i cried myself to sleep last night over some idiot loser who isn't even mine. i didn't even cry when i learned that my baby's father went to jail. i was so sad when he blew me off for my biggest hater, the one who publicly tried to assault me with my child nestled vulnerably right below my surface. and he goes and kicks it with that skank? i shouldn't expect anything more of anyone. i know better. something is wrong with me, it has to have something to dowith being pregnant and my hormones changing. i dont know what it is for sure but i fucking hate it.

[1102015]

i wish i could control my emotions

[1102015]

so. i finally got around to making a tumblr specifically to use as an outlet for expressing myself freely rather than opening my mouth and suffering the consequences of what i say. i predict lots of unhappy posts in the future of this blog.