but can we talk about the fact that Colin really truly has NO IDEA Penelope loves him? It broke my heart when at the end of the episode, he was there basically going 'If you got caught up in the carriage and you change your mind, I understand' when she left for a while at their engagement ball and constantly said 'I have to tell you something'
like he's of the belief that what she wants to tell him may be that she doesn't reciprocate his feelings and that it's a love match just on his part. he thinks she's settling for him because he's the one who mucked up her chances for a different proposal but he cares for her so much he can't let her go
both of their sexual encounters so far have been Colin giving her pleasure partly to prove that he's worth holding on to, reinforcing his belief that he's only worthwhile if he can provide something. he truly doesn't believe he's loveable just for who he is, but for what he can do. in the carriage, he asked if she accepted Debling's proposal and she said Debling didn't propose at all because of the scene Colin caused, thus eliminating the choices for her. It was him or nothing, basically. Colin said he had feelings for her, but she said she wanted to be more than friends. It makes sense to me that, in part, his motivations in that carriage were threefoldfold: to show her he was serious, to revel in her pleasure, and 'let me prove how nice I can be to have around'. Then in the first time scene, they had sex after he stood up for her to Portia, providing a defense and informing he loves her and that's why he proposed. He complimented Pen, talked about how much he wanted her, and said aloud repeatedly that he loves her, but she tells him that no one else had defended her like he did before, and that she appreciates it. Not that she loves him back. He wants to be intimate with her, of course, but also he wants to prove himself a good candidate for her affection, because he doesn't believe he already has it. 'Don't you want to keep me around? Don't you see how good I can be? The good I can do?'
And it just gives added weight to his 'Then what good am I to you?' because he genuinely, from the bottom of his heart, doesn't know that she loves him for him, but that her agreeing to marry him is conditional on what he can provide for her
for Penelope, her love for him is a constant, like her heartbeat, something she feels she doesn't have to announce because to her it is so obvious and so strong, but for him, it's not at all obvious, and he knows she wants something more than friendship with him, but does not know that's because she returns his feelings.
I know she's got a lot on her plate right now but Penelope please come tell this man that you love him body and soul, I am crying
gummygunk
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