pre-pandemic, i was able to strip off of my old skin— the insecure and doubtful one. i was able to put myself out there and make the most out of my life, doing things that made me happy even it tired me to bone. i was able to make decisions for myself and the energy i felt then was really liberating. for once, i felt like i was living the life i wanted for years.
then this awful, life-ruining pandemic came. at first, i was kind of happy because i can rest from the college stress and i was still in the place i felt my heart. so it was bearable. as days, weeks, months, years passed, it became harder and harder. i felt like everything i built for my future went crumbling down and i cannot find the energy to rebuild it again. i feel like im being left behind and the worse is i dont want to do anything about it because everything will soon become ruins. plus the fact that i came back here in my hometown, the place that i tried my very best to get away from.
i can literally tell how being here holds me back from a lot of things. and i hate that i cannot do anything about it. i feel jailed, energy messed up, mental health is swirling down, and the space and time for myself is gone. everything is heavy. i cannot runaway because i have no financial capability to do so. pero shet talaga, hirap na hirap na ako.
