If you're here to read my thoughts, you're probably running away from your own. This is a safe haven from the reality of your personal hell. Here, we collect all the lemons life throws your way and extract the zest from it to serve you in an exquisite cocktail of your most prized hormones. It's bubbly with excitement, swirling with butterflies that come alive in your stomach, and dashed with a bitter slice of reality. It's ecstatic isn't it? I've been told the aftertaste makes y'all keep coming back for more ;) Enjoy your stay!
Sometimes, more often than not, a seemingly innocuous question presents itself to me when I'm busy observing the world around me. Browsing through any form of social media at all gives you a window to look into other people's lives. What they're enjoying, what they are not, what they are creating, achieving, what they are thinking, and all the good stuff of course. Hardly would anyone talk about struggles. And why would they. Fair enough. But, my brain doesn't seem to process what it can't see right?
It only sees what its missing. Living can seem exhausting. And really pointless if you feel like you're stuck in a place from which you can never climb out. I used to feel like it's been years of this numbness, now that I really think, I realize it's been forever that I've lived in this shell. No desire to come out. But seeing no point in dwelling in here anymore either.
Just feel like putting an end to this. What even is life? What am I supposed to do? I don't want to have a punishment. I don't want all these feelings of pain for nothing!
However, I'm sure there must be some reason that can convince me to continue pushing. Some reason to care? To look forward to?
The moment I decided I was getting my own blog on this cute lil website, I knew I needed to find my aesthetic. Hence, this is my first form of self-expression that came from completely within myself after hours of self-inquiry and soul-searching. The result is this mood-board (?). My first impressions were that it's in your face, seems like too much is going on, and offensive to minimalists. However, what was important while I was crafting it is that this represented M E. And that, it perfectly does. A little too loud, a bit messy, and FULL of joyful things. The one thing about it which I find rather implicit, is the message I want you to takeaway~
"A glimpse at life shows horror is nothing but its reality"
Summary: You strive to face an unnerving situation and watch as it unravels, coming undone alongside it.
Word Count: 2k
The soft gaze of the sun filtered through the blinds and peered into your room. You squeezed your shut eyes further to block out the blurry dots of light that peppered in your vision, behind your eyelids, dancing along with the shadow of curtains which swayed gently with the morning breeze. You turned on your side and went back to sleep, stalling the arrival of today for a few more moments of blissful slumber. Today, however, wasn’t an ordinary day. Hardly, but. You knew this was indeed the day you had dreaded waking up to every other moment in the past few months. Any chance to delay its advent, no matter how momentary, you’d take it.
Your respite was shorter-lived than you’d hoped for, however, as not within 5 minutes the blaring alarm next to your head on your night stand rang incessantly. You jolted up at the unwelcome clangour of the clock, quickly twisting and turning over and slamming it shut with your fist using more force than necessary.
The steel of the faucet handle felt cool against your fingers as they lifted it up to create a sharp stream of gushing water. After Splashing your face with enough of it to wash away the sleep in your eyes, you finally stared at your bleary reflection in the bathroom mirror. You could feel your skin break into gooseflesh, though you found it hard to pin why. Could be the icy water. Or perhaps, it was from the anticipation of what’s today.
Right underneath your eyes, huge dark circles rimmed your sockets, indicating your lack of sleep. It wasn’t a surprise to you though, one could hardly expect to relax after waking up twice in the same night in a cold sweat. Rattled by a terrible nightmare each time no less. The nightmare which you often found was hot on your heels in a never ending chase. And there you were, running breathlessly from it, in a frenzied path, merely trying to escape from it till it forces you over the edge. Leaves you dangling precariously in the gap separating dreams from reality. You always seemed to cross over though. Back to the safety of consciousness, of real life. Today, although, was a different tale. The gap separating your worst nightmare from bleeding into your waking hours and painting your world in its terror seemed to be closing in each passing day. And right now?
It looked like it was at last making headway in crossing that barrier and spilling over towards you, all around you, drowning you, seeping within you. Choking you.
Your shoulders slumped as you forced out some air from your lungs, an attempt at grounding yourself. You desperately needed a shower, you thought, in order to drain out the fright crawling on your skin.
After what seemed like a really long time, you were finally ready to leave your small enclosure. Your closest of kin knew what lay ahead of you. Initially, they had been horrified. A normal and expected reaction given the grave nature of your circumstances. Sooner than later, though, they came to the foregone conclusion. Same as you had. Just like everyone else before you. What was going to be, would be. It was the inevitable nature of the event in question which prevented you every time from blasting through the doors of this wrecked place, go far far away to the comfort of your friends and family.
You checked your phone for any comforting messages from them, trying your best to ignore the shadow of doom as it loomed largely over you. There had been 16 messages in your family group itself, and your dms overflowed with new unread messages from people you hadn’t interacted with since years. An uneasy feeling started pooling in your stomach.
Was this really so bad? Is this your farewell from earth? You couldn’t even ask out the guy from the convenience store. You were sure he would make a move on you any day now. If only you didn’t have such limited ones.
Whatever. You sighed. It is what it is. Agonising over it has only been stretching your suffering and nothing else. It was time for you to go. You couldn’t deign your attention on the screen any longer as you hastily shoved it in your purse alongside your other essentials and grabbed your keys.
With heavy, final steps, you embarked upon the short distance from your residence to the building where it was all supposed to go down. Before you could approach the threshold of the huge entrance, be that as it may, you spotted a pair of girls being carried out from there on a stretcher. Supposedly to the nearby infirmary. Another girl, likely to be their friend, followed the two quietly with panic written all over her face.
Your heart went soaring at the sight, all the bits and pieces of fear that you had pushed to the back of your head gushing to the fore and flashing in front of your eyes. You placed a hand over your chest, and braced your other arm on a nearby wall. Things had already started going south for you. After heaving for a couple of minutes, you steadied yourself once again for the walk through fire.
The eerie silence weighed heavily on you as you stepped inside and cast a glance across the long and narrow hallway. Your sight fell on some girls and a couple of guys scattered across the seats lining either side of the hall. Their heads hung low, their faces wearing a forlorn expression. Not a word was spoken out loud, as though people were afraid to break the delicate spell this place seemed to be cast in. You started to chew on your bottom lip nervously to prevent any noises or whimpers from escaping your mouth.
You were surprised at yourself for making it quietly to a seat next to a guy. You could hear his heart thrumming loudly in his ribcage, hands clasped together as if in an inadvertent prayer.
You gulped down inaudibly, spooked by the amount of panic that the air carried. It only intensified as a clicking noise was heard from the clock hanging on the wall. His breath quivered as he rose up from his seat. Towering next to you. You felt even smaller in this backdrop, afraid they’d just eat you right up. The guy, who apparently judged from the time showing that he was meant to be there soon, trudged cautiously towards the other end of the hall. He disappeared from your vision as he headed into a doorway at the very end.
You were aware that this indicated you were up next. The lump in your throat became harder to swallow as you sat there with bated breath. All of your life had condensed to this present moment. You reminisced over the happier, carefree times that you now wanted to hold onto so dearly as if your life depended on it. Yet, deep down you knew that your life actually depended on what would follow in the next few minutes…or hours. You weren’t sure how long you were going to last, if at all. Unwittingly, the image of two girls being carried on the stretcher was burned in your mind before setting foot in this place.
Some time passed. Your breath got caught in your throat as the clock struck the familiar note again. You weren’t sure whether your torture had began, or just ended. After all, you had been facing the most grueling anticipation of your life. But now, time had started ticking for you.
You stood up abruptly, a sheen of perspiration clinging onto the back of your neck. In spite of yourself, your feet started to tug you towards your destination.
As you descended further down your personal journey to hell, low wails and sobs erupting could be heard from within the walls. You felt waves of terror washing over your body one after the next. The constrictions in your throat that they brought along with themselves felt akin to drowning.
Your weak knees trembled under your weight but carried you forward nonetheless. Your chin was tucked in, head lowered in a downcast gaze. Your eyes trained to concentrate on each wobbly step you placed further on the ground. Breath shaky, as you try to inhale deeply, hoping to draw in, just some, any ounce of courage you could, to not falter in your steps. The retreat till the end of the hallway seemed unending but you managed to keep your posture upright as you drew closer to the doorway.
Notably, your dreadful march wasn’t the only thing coming to an end with each passing second on the clock. You also inched closer to the edge of your resolve to move any further. Its weakly secured knots start loosening themselves in an attempt to break you free.“Perhaps, if i were to faint, or maybe twist my ankle, i’d get ou-”
Your mind’s chatter, all over the place trying to pull together a plan to escape already, however, comes to an abrupt halt when from your peripheral vision, you catch a glimpse of a silhouette of a man. You welcome a shudder as it runs through you before peering from beneath your dark lashes to take note of any unwelcome actions from him. A few moments pass when you observe the shadowy figure stood next to that door, remaining still like it was mounted there for the sole reason of beckoning you forward, into the chilling embrace of the perils that lay beyond it.
Realization dawns upon you like the initial rays of sunlight dawned on the first buds to ever bloom on earth. Except, instead of a flower, all that spurts within you as a consequence is terror. Pure, agonizing terror as it gradually creeps upon your back, erupting shoots that wrap around your hapless limbs. It isn’t dissimilar from when a python circles its prey, slithering right in front of its face. Your terror whispering all the horrifying nothings in the shell of your ear that leave you whimpering. Begging to be released from its chokehold. Your heedless cries serving only to feed it, for mercy is only meant for those untainted by the gripping clutches of fear. And oh boy were you sullied.
You stand there, in all your grand misery, grappling with the terms that you cannot turn away from this anymore. Almost as if you’re frozen in terror for nothing but this moment; When you accept your fate, at last. Slowly and steadily, lips in a silent prayer, you walk over to the stature looming a few feet away from you.
Ears felt like they were on fire. Your face painted in a deep hue of red, features scrunched up in distress. You were burning up. Feigning sickness to escape this nightmare seemed like cogent thinking. If only he would lay a hand on your sweaty forehead, you thought.
Your feet come to a standstill as you finally come face to face with him, eyeing the man cautiously. His posture is firm, unwavering and his expression holding a coldness that chills you to the bone. He regards you in what could only be noted as contempt, while his hands reach out to hold the knob. As he twists it, the door flies open and soft light from the room spills out in the dark corridor, lightning up your figure along with the carpet and walls.
You swallow what felt like the last bits of hope to remain unscathed from danger, as you are ushered by the man straight into the room, not leaving any time to prepare for your impending doom before you were succumbed by the light.
As the soft thud of the door was heard closing behind you, he straightened his back. An imperceptible smirk adorned his lips. He had noticed, when the warm glow of the light seeping from underneath the door gleamed over your shoes, a warm brown color. Nothing like the navy blue color of your neatly ironed skirt that it was supposed to match. The skirt that you clutched so hard earlier and had forgotten to smooth out.
“Jagriti, welcome to your Stress Interview with the PlaceCom!”
was last heard from behind closed doors before further chatter got drowned by your sobs.
