Daring to Dream: The Only Thing I Ever Wanted
What do you want to be when you grow up? āA single mom survivor of domestic abuse,ā said no little girl ever. One of the reasons I stayed in my abusive marriage so long is because Iām a dreamer. Ā I had a huge dream that involved love, laughter, and life built around a family of faith. Ā A man after Godās own heart who would build a family with me. Ā I would love him and he would love me and we would love our children. Ā Whatever we did, our lives would be guided by our faith in the Lord. Ā There would be years of joy and love and more dreaming along the way. I was naive, not that I could ever have that dream, but that it would be with the first man who said he wanted to be with me. Ā Just because a man pursues a relationship with you does not mean it is healthy. Ā
I was naive. Ā I didnāt understand how devastating a pornography addiction could be to a marriage. Ā We were still dating the first time I walked in on him masturbating at the computer. Ā He told me it was only because my very presence aroused him so much that he had to help himself. Ā I actually felt guilt. Ā I was naive when I saw how badly he treated his mother, yelling and criticizing her, calling her stupid. Ā I didnāt understand that it was more than an isolated damaged relationship. Ā Over the years, I would often recall the first time I saw him verbally tear down his mother as he would tear me down in a similar way. Ā I was naive when I visited his family home and overheard his father berating his mother and dismissed the thought that the man who said he loved me could ever sound as hateful as his father did. Ā I was naive to not see how he drank himself into a stupor when something depressing happened in his life, naive to think that this wouldnāt continue into our marriage. Ā I was naive to think I could love him out of his addiction, depression, anger, and destructive behaviors. Ā That him simply saying he didnāt want to be like his abusive father meant that he wouldnāt simply because he knew what it was like.Ā
Habits die hard. Iāve heard it takes thirty days of consistency to start a new behavior pattern or break an old one. Ā Changing behavior can be very difficult even when you genuinely want to change. Ā How many of your new yearās resolutions ever make it past January? Ā Have you ever tried to support someone through their new yearās resolution? Ā Did those make it to February any easier? Ā Have you ever assumed that someone in jogging clothes must be a well-seasoned runner, disciplined and making progress?Ā
Expecting an abusive, controlling person to change because you love them unconditionally is like expecting someone to lose weight because you bought them a pair of jogging shorts. I figuratively bankrupted myself buying him an entire jogging wardrobe. Ā He was like one of those people who take selfies of their apparent workout, but theyāre not sweating and their water bottle hasnāt been opened. Ā Any time he put on the clothes of loving, Christian husband and father, it was for show. Ā Just like any well photographed social media post, he made sure the rest of the world saw his best imitation of someone running the Christian race, and could be overly doting to the kids and I in church, gaining ālikesā along the way.
Seeing the truth of the masquerade was painful, but it was sometimes less painful to believe the delusion, to hope his latest performance meant he was finally becoming the man he had the potential to be. Ā So I lied. He has to work over the holidays [on his hobbies]. Ā We canāt come for Christmas [because Iām afraid if I ask again, heāll get worse]. He just has had a long day; heās not normally so rude [usually, heās worse]. Heās a good father [in his own mind]; but he just doesnāt like the baby stage [or any other stage that might inconvenience him]. Yes, the kids love to play with him [until he loses his temper]. I lied to church members. Ā I lied to my family. Ā I lied to my own children. Ā I thought I was building him up like wives in a healthy marriage should, but really I was covering up his sin and enabling him to be abusive by not standing against the abuse sooner. Ā Abuse is like cancer. Ā Left untreated, it grows and festers until there are more cancerous cells than healthy cells. Ā Symptoms are similar. Ā Chronic fatigue, pain, your normal activities are replaced by the demands of the cancer. Ā It ends up controlling your life. Ā At some point, family and friends become concerned. Ā But when they ask how youāre doing, you lie. Ā The cancer isnāt that bad. Ā I can live with this cancer. Ā Iām confident this cancer wonāt kill me. Ā You think I have cancer? Ā I couldnāt possibly. Ā
Eventually something else happens that shakes your world and you decide to get an expert opinion. Ā Turns out, it is indeed cancer and the only option is surgery. Ā Getting the cancer out requires a severe no tolerance policy. Ā Surgery leaves deep, painful scars that can take a long time to heal, especially if you arenāt intentional to let yourself heal. Ā You still remember the cancer. Ā Itās impossible to forget. Ā Thereās always a lingering fear it will return to claim your life one day.
But you canāt live your life in fear of the cancer returning and have any kind of quality life. Ā I had to make a choice. Ā Do I focus on preventing a reoccurrence of the cancer to the point where I think about nothing else and those thoughts consume my life? Ā Or do I bravely walk into my new cancer-free life, daring to dream again? Ā For me, not dreaming is a sign Iām not trusting God to make my life beautiful. Ā I know his best for me wasnāt abuse. Ā God is a God who blesses with abundance and I know only he has the power to restore the years taken, years I know I missed opportunities to serve, years I missed the opportunity to be the mom my kids need, one who makes decisions based on Godās will, not the abuserās will.
I am ready to truly live. Ā God created me for a purpose. Ā āFor we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.ā (Ephesians 2:10). Ā Iām walking into that new life day by day. Ā I canāt live in regret of not stepping out sooner or in fear of stepping out at all. Ā I simply must take a step, like a toddler learning to walk. Ā There are days I feel like an absolute failure. Ā There are days Iām still filled with intense fear. Ā Those days are fewer and further between. Ā Replacing them are the days filled with a deeper purpose. Ā Praying before making a decision and being able to have peace, knowing itās of God.
I am ready to dream again. Ā If and when God chooses to send a man into my life who will love me and my children as his own, I will cherish him. Ā Not from any selfish motive to fulfill my dream of love, life and laughter, but rather, I know he would be sent straight from God. Ā Iāll know itās him when the same peace I have in choosing Godās will for my life is the answer to my prayers asking for confirmation. Ā There would also be no other way to explain a man with enough love for me and my children, who would accept us for who we are in spite of the trauma weāve endured. Ā
Only God knows if and when he will fulfill that particular dream, but God has stirred up more dreams in my heart and I am thankful for those as they develop. Ā A dream to advocate for survivors. Ā A dream to live free for my children and me. Ā A dream to write, to let God use my voice to help someone else. Ā I no longer dream naively. Ā My dreams are founded in a secure hope that rests in the Lord, that if I allow him to lead me, I will walk confidently into my future filled with the good plans heās prepared for me and the good dreams he will gift me as a blessing.Ā
āFor I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.ā (Jeremiah 29:11)
I dare to dream.
https://1sagesparrow.wordpress.com/2019/10/21/daring-to-dream-the-only-thing-i-ever-wanted/













