Understanding a person with BPD. ( Borderline Personality Disorder )
( mostly focused relationship-wise ) - J.
tw; mentions of s///h and su//c//de.
Let's say you are in a relationship with a person that has BPD, or perhaps they're a close friend, a family member, someone you generally know that you want to work well with. It can be quite challenging when you don't understand the symptoms or how to handle the situations that comes with it — yes, the symptoms will most likely affect the relationship, but it is important to understand that dealing with BPD is not easy either.
Us with BPD have a lot of struggles, let's get that out of the way. There is our fear of abandonment, rejection, judgement, unstable self-image or sense of self, rapid mood changes, impulsive behaviors, persistent feelings of emptiness and numbness, extreme rage, and more. There is a lot to learn and understand about it in order to work well with your partner and have good communication, I hope this small guide helps + my own experiences!
Show you appreciate your loved one. From a source — Someone with BPD may go out of their way to do things for their partner to make them happy because they want to receive love and affirmation in return. ( and from my own personal experiences, we generally have a lot of love to give. ) "If we don't get the recognition we think we deserve, then we'll start to feel like we hate our partners, because they didn't give us that feeling we wanted." ( This is called splitting. ) This can make us feel unappreciated and maybe even feel like our efforts of love was rejected/pushed aside. To avoid an issue like this, it's important to show your loved one that you appreciate them and the things they do. Individuals with BPD often search for honest validation and love, so if you feel it, be open about it.
Be prepared for mixed messages/responses. From a source — An individual with BPD can go from loving and adoring you ( idealization ) to feeling furious and "hating" you ( devaluation ) in a matter of hours to even mere minutes. Even when they do "hate" you, they still carry an overwhelming fear that you will abandon them. When these fears arise, be ready to offer comfort and meaningful reassurance; "I understand that your feelings are overwhelming right now, I understand that you feel afraid that I will leave you. I won't, okay? We will get through this and I am here to support you."
Be responsive. From a source — When an individual with BPD is trying to reach out to you or contact you, it is helpful to be responsive as possible. If their friend or loved one doesn't respond, the individual with BPD can feel rejected and maybe even feel bits of abandonment creeping in, as well as internalizing that as something being "wrong" with them or make them feel that they have done something wrong. This can lead to self-hatred and destructive behavior. It can be difficult for a person with BPD to handle conflict or feelings of rejection/abandonment because they often blame and punish themselves. 75% of people with BPD will turn to s*lf-h*rm*ng. This is not to say it is your fault if they turn to s*lf-h*rm*ng, but staying kind and responsive can make a positive difference.
Understand it is NOT their fault. From a source — BPD is quite known to cause immense stress and strain on a relationship. It can be challenging for a person to manage their symptoms in a way that doesn't affect their partners. So, when symptoms do flare, remember that they do not have control. Literally. This condition is known for it's lack of regulation or control over emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. You wouldn't blame a loved one for having cancer symptoms that might spill into everyday life, so do not blame someone for having a mental illness with active symptoms. Hold your judgement.
It is also extremely important to note, DO NOT MAKE US FEEL DOWNPLAYED. If we are in distress about something, avoid responses such as these;
"You're being ridiculous."
"Why don't you just calm down."
"You're taking things way too seriously."
"I don't understand why you're acting like this."
I can almost promise you that these responses will only make the situation worse, and only fuels the fire. We are upset for a reason, we have our triggers for a reason, respect them. It may seem small and inconvenient to you, but it matters to us very much and that needs to be taken into consideration. Instead, respond positively with patience and support. Understand that we are feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment and we need reassurance and comfort, not to feel downplayed or discredited. From my own experience, it only makes me feel like I am not being listened to, that my reasoning behind my distress isn't being taken seriously, my triggers aren't being respected, and it provokes my anger.
It is also important to be patient when splitting is occurring, it may seem ridiculous and dramatic to others, but it is a real thing and when we split, it is for a reason. For me personally, I feel extreme anger towards the person I am splitting from. I get unwanted violent thoughts, I want to say cruelest things, but afterwards, I get hit with a wave of depression and immense guilt and shame. We all experience this differently, but always remember it is out of our control and we remain self-aware. Stay understanding and supportive.
And remember, while it can be difficult for the other person to work with an individual with BPD, we are always acknowledging that. We know it isn't easy, but imagine how we feel. Imagine living with a constant whirlwind of worries, constant fears of rejection and abandonment, emotions turned up to the maximum, constantly on edge that we are doing something wrong, and even more. And while there is that, a lot of us have a lot of love to give. A lot of loyalty and devotion, and all we want in return is that acknowledgment, appreciation, and love from our partners. As well as honesty and respect.
( Please note that I am still new to this community and if any information is incorrect in any way, I will change it ) - J.
"I couldn't trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions were justified, if any, and which ones were tainted by the mental illness of BPD.
I found myself fiercely guarding and limiting my emotional reactions, chastising myself for possible distortions and motivations." — Rachel Reiland.
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