I know you’ve already gotten some response, but I figured I’d put my 2 cents in as not only someone who’s been the brunt of someone like this (my sister), but also someone who has BEEN this person. As you put in the tags, you don’t want to come off as rude or insensitive and I would like to say the same. I would never want to disregard your own safety, health, anxiety, pain, etc. I want to help give insight as to what it may be like for him based on what it was like for me, that way both him AND you can be happier and healthier.
You say in the comments that it feels like he isn’t considering your anxiety, and that is COMPLETELY VALID. But I can guarantee you he is probably thinking the same thing, but even more intensely. The point that he is at sounds to me like what I was at my absolute ROCK BOTTOM. Past rock bottom even. I would have days where I would just act so angry ALL DAY LONG. I would snap at people for nothing and when people would point it out it only made things worse because here’s the truth: I didn’t FEEL angry. I used the work act because that’s what it felt like. It felt like an act. It didn’t reflect what I actually felt like inside. It felt like my body was acting/reacting in a way that was actually contradictory to what I felt–which was scared and sad and, well, anxious. When people ask why I was being that way/what caused it, it made the situation worse because I literally had NO IDEA why I was responding with anger when anger isn’t what I felt. That creates disassociation. When you live with that disassociation for so long it feels like you literally have ZERO control over your actions. Idk if you’ve ever seen Corpse Bride, but there’s a worm in the movie that lives in the bride’s head and watches what happens through an eye hole in her skull. This is what it feels like. it feel like your consciousness is a little worm that lives in your head and watches what happens through your eyes. Just watches. The body is an entirely seperate entity that acts as it acts and all you do is watch what happens. Like a movie shot from first person, you can see everything that happens from that body’s point of view, but you can’t control or influence what that body does. I can only explain this after analyzing it for YEARS. This isn’t something you really understand as it’s happening–so can you imagine how you would even begin to explain that to someone? That you’re not angry and you don’t know why you’re responding that way? It creates even more anxiety when people want you to explain something you can’t even put your finger on yourself. Not to mention, especially in this state of mind, when someone says “why are you mad?” (for me I always got “why are you jumping down my throat?”) in your mind it translates to “stop it” even if that wasn’t the intention. And that’s how everything feels. Everything feels like a sign that you are annoying, unwanted, too much, etc.
Whe you leave your dish in the sink instead of washing it right away he doesn’t see the truth of it–that you forgot, that it slipped your mind, that you don’t have the energy to do it right then–instead what he sees is you saying you KNOW putting the dish in the sink causes him anxiety, but you don’t care enough about his wellbeing to do something that’s a little inconvenient for you.
Now, again, I would like to stress that I am NOT saying you don’t care about his wellbeing. I am NOT disregarding what you need. And I am NOT condoning his behavior. I am saying this because I genuinely believe understanding how he might be perceiving reality (again, this is just how I felt, and I can’t guarantee it’s the same for him) will help you towards a better, healthier life for both of you.
For him, if he is feeling like a worm watching the actions on an independent body (even if it’s only some of the time), it seems impossible to change what you’re doing. It seems impossible to get help or say what’s happening. It feels like there is no way help can come internally or through you asking for help. It only feels like you can get help if someone notices what’s really going on inside–that all this snapping and anxiety is you screaming for help in the only way you can. People ask you why you’re mad (which you’re not), they ask what’s going on (you don’t know) and it all seems to you like they’re saying “knock it off” “/I/ don’t like you like this.” And you’re thinking “How do you not see something is really wrong with me? How do you not see that I’m scared? How do you not see I need help?”
This isn’t a slight against you AT ALL, but your post and comments are riddled with “I.” How does this affect ME, how does this affect MY anxiety, I’M the one taking the brunt of it all. This isn’t wrong. Thinking about yourself and what you need is a very good thing, and that’s what he’s doing too. But all he sees is the “I” in it. He can sense that you have concerns for that, but all he’ll see is that. He won’t see the side of you that’s concerned for him (particularly when he’s this bad and you’re getting resentful of him (which is valid)). And who wants to change for someone that ONLY wants you to get help because it’ll make their life better? It’s fucked up thinking (self-destructive even) and it’s not wrong to want it to ease your own heart, but when you feel like you LITERALLY have no tools of change for yourself and no one around you cares about you for the sake of you…you become stuck in this anger that you don’t feel and watching your life like a viewer of a tv show.
If you can understand what I’m trying to explain and not take offense to it (I promise I don’t mean it in that way) then you are already on a good road to truly helping your brother. Because the truth is…he’s probably too far into this disassociation for a simple conversation to change his state. He has to see that you, unselfishly, want him to get more help. You want him to get help for HIS sake, make him feel like it’s ONLY for his sake. And that starts with the little things. Make a big effort to remember the things he’s asked you to not do bc ut gives him anxiety. Wash that plate even when you’re low on energy or in a hurry. He will know that you are doing that for him and only for him. This isn’t something that will take super long to sink in for him. Much like how he’s ready to see anything as a sign he’s annoying/unloved/unwanted/etc., he will cling to any sign that something is being done purely for his sake. A month of doing this and then he may feel secure that you care about his wellbeing enough to have a conversation. And remember to leave the “I” out of it. Don’t say the word if you can help it.
Again, reiterating one last time, that I am not intending to scold you or make you feel bad. I can say with certainty that this treatment is NOT FAIR TO YOU AT ALL. And the anxiety you have and the way it’s affecting you is COMPLETLEY valid. I only wish to make you understand that, if you really want things to get better, for yourself and for him, it might have to be a little unfair for a while. That’s the only way I know to help the situation, coming from someone who has been on both sides of it.
I know this is long, but it’s a very complex issue with a lot of explaining. I hope you take the time to read and I hope, truly hope, things get better for you. Know that you can message me personally any time if any of this didn’t make sense, if you want more advice, or if you simply want to rant/vent. Best of luck to you!
