Modern Pigeon

your friendly neighborhood oversharer :)

[paulfrankjuliusthemonkey]

just me and this loneliness i have had since i was 4 years old

[2023dingdong]

you know it's bad when you keep re-watching the perks of being a wallflower

[2023dingdong]

i'm debating posting this cause i think it would be tmi. but honestly at this point i don't care anymore. every time i try to make peace with things in my life that i can't change, something happens that just triggers all of my insecurities. it took me a really long time to realize that i wasn't special to anybody except my parents (all parents think their kids are special in some way). over the years i met a lot of people and made some friends. but i can really count on one hand the friends that i kept. whereas somehow people that i know managed to make long lasting friendships. all my so called friends from middle school and high school still talk to each other but they don't talk to me. there is just something about me that makes me forgettable and i don't know what it is. in all areas of my life i always feel like an after-thought. and honestly at this point i'm starting to make peace with it.

the other day i just proposed to my friends to go the bookstore and then restaurant but none of them said yes. and i mean i get it, people have lives and stuff, and i wasn't really hurt tbh because i'm used to doing stuff by myself and i enjoy it. but i found myself thinking about it for the rest of the afternoon because i know for sur that if one of my other friends had come up with the idea, everyone would've gone along with it. also i really am greatful for my friends and i love them so much because not long ago i didn't have any. it just breaks my heart to know that they don't love me as much as i love them because as mentionned above, they have managed to keep stronger friendships throughout their lives and i haven't. all i can do is learn little by little to make peace with that fact and learn to live a life free of resentment. also do everything in my power to not project my insecurities and deep loneliness unto them.

[2023dingdong]

it's hard losing your mind over things you can't control in your life. it's hard not knowing the direction your life is taking. when i look at the people around me, it's like we live on another planet yet we are living through the same things. everyone seems to have it figured out and i don't. they have a sense of direction that i can't seem to have.

[2023dingdong]

summer is a time to question my life. i sit and rot in my room all day wondering, is this what i should be doing with my life? i don't have many friends in my hometown, and the ones i have are away on vacation. i live every single day on a loop, each day a copy of the next.

and yet, when it's school time i find myself looking forward to summer. i don't know why. maybe it's knowing that i'm free from all academic obligations for a while. but either way, every year i wait impatiently for summer, and every year i get disappointed. that's why i hate summer.

i hate the heat, the bugs, that atmosphere. it's a season that lets me down and crashes down all my hopes. it's time of illusins on great time and zero boredom. maybe that makes me a sad a bitter person but i don't care. i hate summer.

[2023dingdong]

high school. some say it was the best time of their lives, that was not the case for me. i was bullied oor hated or whatever other horrible thing some people go through in high school. that was the time i started to feel loneliness. the kind of loneliness that will follow me for the rest of my life i'm sure. my relationships with people will never be same. so, no i don't miss high school, i would never go back to time of my life again. maybe life will be worst than that or better, i don't know.

[2023dingdong]

i also reminisce about my tween years. middle school, the beginning of the big changes of life. social, physical, mental, whatever. a lot of uncertainty for me because i was changing schools a lot. but i got to meet my bestfriend so that's cool (we didn't really know it at the time).

i was also carefree and i actually enjoyed going to school. i would see my friends happy to be going for summer break and whatnot and i'd pretend to be happy with them. but the truth is, i enjoyed going to school. i used to look forward to it, today it's complicated but that's a rant for anoter time.

[2023dingdong]

these past few weeks i've been thinking about my childhood a lot. maybe it's because summer reminds me of the sunny days back in my native country. the sundays when we'd come home after church and have long lunches in the garden. family gatherings and week-end roadtrips to grandma's house. life was good.

[2023dingdong]

let's talk about nostalgia. it is one of those feelings that will never trully leave me. it is a bittersweet sentiment for me. the recollection of past joyous moments procures a warm feeling to my heart, but then i realize that i will never get to live those moments again.

i find myself lost in past conversations and interactions. yearning for those days filled with joy and laughter. nostalgia for me is like looking at the world with rose colored glasses. the heart-aches and sadness don't seem to matter when all i can see is the smiling faces of old friends.

[2023dingdong]

the other culprit behind this stupid decision to expose myself online is because of the book "the perks of being a wallflower", which one of my favorite books of all time. that book changed me, it was the first book that ever made me ugly cry. for a week after reading for the first time, i couldn't stop thinking about it. 14 year old me was utterly bamboozled, i still am by the way.

i now understand why charlie was writing to a stranger, because he just wanted to be heard, and that is also what i want. i debated actually sending out letters to a stranger, but i figured i would end up getting in trouble, so i settled for the next best thing - tumblr ;).

this is going to be my therapy. if i truly stick to it, maybe i will resolve all the issues i have (unlikely).

[2023dingdong]

formal - ish presentation as i will not put all my personal information here: i am an 18 year old girl, going into my second year of university in september (will not say my major cause i'm paranoid). I am the eldest of three siblings, two of which live with my mom back in our home town.

I live in another really beatiful city in the south of a european country, I love reading, listening to music, drawing, painting bla-bla-bla. I am shy and I may have social anxiety but i've never had a professional diagnosis so i'm probably just delusional.

I also love writing. for as long as i've been able to read an write, i've always wanted to be some kind of writer, it doesn't matter really, just as long as i could write. as i've previously said, i've tried journaling, ever since i was like eight. my mom would buy for us, my sister and i, plenty of notebooks to do with as we wished. mine would be diaries of course. each new notebook received my undivided attention for at most two weeks. Details of my days, the people i met, the food i ate, the dreams i dreamt, everything was said. but then i would just start forgeting or losing said notebook and it would be over.

this continued until, well today. I have a journal that i bough maybe in 2020 during my vampire diaries phase. i say this because it looks exactly like elena gilbert's journal. she's the one who inspired me to take up journaling again. so i scoured the internet for the cheapest replica of elena's journal and ended up finding one in a simple school supplies shop. it looks exactly the same and has like 150 pages. well, we are in 2023 and i'm not even 60pages in. so you see, i decided to find other solutions to free my troubled soul (cringe).

[2023dingdong]

it is almost 4 am and i just decided to just write down stuff on here (pathetic i know), i just hope and pray that no one i know in real life will ever find this cause otherwise i'm cooked.

anyway i am just a normal bored and lonely teenager deciding to use the internet as a coping mechanism, i will bascally be ranting on here about anything. if anyone ever reads they will be wondering, why not use a journal like anyone else. well the truth is that i tried but i can't seem to stay consistent with it so i'll be using tumblr instead haha.

i will also never post any picture of anything ever, in case anyone i know ever finds this account (highly unlikely). hopefully this can reach some poeple and we can talk about things and whatever, i don't really know how this app works. so yeah, this is good for a first post :) maybe the next one will be a more in depth introduction of myself since that's what i'm supposes to be doing. i'm just really sleepy