A Diary Blog

This is a blog, right?

[2024diary]

12/31/24

11:28pm so it is finally new year’s eve and the last day of my diary. i went through so much this year and this diary will always be a way for me to remember that. sometimes i feel a bit bad for slacking in my entries post august but then i remember life was so good to me that i couldn’t take a second to stop. and you know what, im happy i didnt, last year i said i hoped i had a boyfriend so i wouldn’t have to spend nye alone, and right now im hanging out in my boyfriends room. 2024 was so unpredictable yet so random, i will never be the same after this but you know what? im happy. i’m looking at the bright side and i still have goals to reach. this year took everything and did anything it could to bring me down and still i prevail. I pray 2025 is kind to me. i pray 2025 is peaceful. i pray 2025 is abundant. may i succeed and i shall see you next year ❤️

[2024diary]

11/29/24

11:44pm so many things have happened since i last made a post lol, today is thanksgiving and it’s the first without my mother, (p) grandmother and (m) grandfather, i’m very thankful for my older siblings as they genuinely made sure everything was okay this year especially with how hard it was, i have an actual boyfriend who loves me and cares about me, im thankful that he doesn’t put me through any stress or anxiety to prove my love, i’m thankful for this diary to look back at how far i’ve come this year, everything is beautiful and im happier here

[2024diary]

09/30/24

9:16PM it’s been a a while since I last posted on this account, so much has happened since then, last time I said I didn’t want anyone else, however, now I find myself talking with a really good boy; a boy that’s not mean to me; a boy that’s not trying to hurt me purposely, a boy that wants to take his time and actually get to know me first, and I’m really thankful for that. I also found out that I am bipolar. It has given me so much clarity for the last few months, actually even years. I can finally say for once in my life, things are going good and things are going right and I am happy. 

[2024diary]

08/18/24

5:23pm honestly i’ve come to discover something about myself. i am not outgoing, i’m not a party girl, im not “fun” in the way that others are, i just like being myself and being with myself, i constantly try to force myself out of my comfort zone because people need other people for comfort and connections but im not one of those people, i just like having me, for a long time i was convinced i could never love another person but now i know i can, and honestly i think the knowing is enough, i don’t need anymore, i just want me :)

[2024diary]

08/02/24

11:48pm i really wish i would’ve had something else to focus on this year rather than death and a stupid love story, like i know i said i wanted a bf in the first post but i didn’t want it to overwhelm my life and diary yk? i just hope the next four months are better than the last eight

[2024diary]

07/27/24

9:42PM i’m starting to wonder if ive just been in manic episode for the last few months, lol none of that actually feels real when i think about it

[2024diary]

07/22/24

10:26pm breakups are hard, especially when you can’t even call them your ex, idk i keep feeling like he’s angry with me, i reached out to resolve it but he didn’t respond, maybe it’s for the best

[2024diary]

07/12/24

12:57am lmao i really stopped giving a fuck, cause it’s like why not bother him for 2 days? what’s the worst that could happen? he blocks me and i’m forced to move on ? lol

[2024diary]

07/11/24

3:22pm i’m so bored, and so tired, i miss him :/, but im gonna have to keep missing him i guess, kinda sad, i was just starting to think, maybe we could fix things this time around, i was just starting to think maybe he’ll want it as much as i do, i guess it’s for the best anyways, ive made new friends but im just not in the mood to entertain, i just feel weird, like im losing everybody, like i was just starting to think maybe i should take things a bit more seriously and start moving things in that direction….shoulda coulda woulda moment i guess, that birds of a feather song is stuck in my head, “don’t wanna say goodbye”, i feel for him sometimes and for my mother at others, it’s just hurts yk, you could miss two people more than anything, and one you can’t speak to because they are dead, and the other because they’d rather act like you are dead

[2024diary]

06/30/24

9:45pm wtf was this month??? like huh??? like everything just started off weird? first he became dependent on me like a girl friend or “mother” (his words), then my “half birthday” comes and i start feeling this gut wrenching dread that my life was getting serious and i need to be mature, then my mom passed, and then i spiral and cry to him and he acts like he cares, then he goes out with other bitches, then i break up with him and then i meet another guy who lovebombed me for 2 days before deciding he likes his ex more than me and getting bored…god wtf is going on this year

[2024diary]

06/21/24

9:57am the worst day has come, they will close the casket on my mother and i will never see her again. yesterday was her wake, and i just kept hallucinating that she’d turn over and say something, she’d move, she’d get up and say she was just joking but she never did. i couldn’t sleep last night or the night before and i don’t think ill sleep tonight. i’m going to miss my mommy so much 💔

[2024diary]

06/15/24

3:59am One week ago the most horrific thing happened to me. I lost my mom. She’d been sick for more than half my life, to the point where I barely remember a time when she wasn’t. She was always in and out of hospitals, and she always hated them. Last year, we had our biggest scare ever; but she fought and she made it through. She mainly fought because her elderly father and disabled brother were still here. But they both passed within the past year. My uncle in August 2023, my grandfather in January 2024. Not to mention she had been stressed about my grandfathers funeral; as she had problems with a funeral home scam. I just don’t think she wanted to fight anymore. She mostly saw us as grown, maybe she thought we didn’t need her anymore. Her funeral is next week and it’s so surreal. Once that casket closes, I will never see her again. In fact one day I may struggle to remember how she used to look and sound. I’m terrified of that day.

Not only that but that day I was with him. I feel weird about that. I struggled this entire week with how to tell him and stuff. He kept dodging me at first, to the point where I blocked him. Obviously empathy ate me up and I re-added him. Anyways, yesterday we finally got a chance to talk. I was fully preparing myself to breakup with him and never speak again. But he didn’t let me. He held me instead, while I cried and fell asleep. Idk, I feel so bad yet what else am I going to do? grieve alone? I still don’t think we’ll make it far but i might as well just go along for the ride. I give it a month.

[2024diary]

06/02/24

8:56am happy pride month!! idk what his problem is, is it guilt? is it sorrow? for the past 5 days i’ve received messages from him. like basically “thinking of you” and “just want to tell you” type of messages, but yesterday was so strange, he got hurt and he messaged me and asked for my help, i ended up feeling bad and so yes i helped, so what sue me, but as i was walking back into my living room, what i thought i was him telling me about an upcoming trip he had, was actually him spewing off some fantasy future life we had together, “little cabin in the woods by the lake with a few kids running around and two rocking chairs on the front porch” i could only laugh.

[2024diary]

05/26/24

7:25pm i knew it was coming, i really did, but to actually hear him say it feels like a shotgun to the chest. He’s been with someone else, he’s become extremely mean, and it’s obvious he plans to make her his girlfriend. has being distant killed what he could’ve had? have i waited too long? has another girl swooped in? i lost…i lost him, i lost everything…its over…

[2024diary]

05/09/24

3:16pm I don’t know if this is too much for this diary or if i shouldn’t add it, but um a few days ago, i saw him again, im an idiot i know, he reached out and i stupidly responded, he asked to come over and i really wanted to say no but i decided why not…he came over and it was fine at first but randomly he slapped me…its so weird…i know my face had to be full of shock and confusion but all he said was “oh you like that?” and did it a few times again, now i liked it the few times after cause they were kinda softer, but i didn’t like it the first time and i didn’t ask for it either, and he didn’t know if i would, cause he said basically said oh you DO want that? like you hit me for no reason when i wasn’t even asking for it and it just feels really bad and wrong. im confused cause i liked it after but that first time just feels ill intended, like i was in the bottom with my eyes closed, already vulnerable and you hit me for what? i feel like maybe he’s slightly angry with me for ignoring him? like i dont even know what to classify this as or what to feel, i just feel like i needed to write out my thoughts and feelings

[2024diary]

05/04/24

11:57am i finally moved into my own apartment today, so many things on my 2024 goal list are being crossed and i feel good •ᴗ•

[2024diary]

04/27/24

8:17pm

Welp today is the day I would’ve graduated. I moved out of my dorm and said bye to my roommate. I’m in the middle of applying for apartments. I think I’m gonna get a job this summer and get a car. Everything just feels surreal right now. A small piece of me wonders if we would be introducing our families to each others if we both graduated today. what a world, what a life…