Beached whale status....?
I will be 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Now, while I have never been the smallest person, I do not feel that I am in the beached whale category. A couple weeks ago a woman I work with was going out to start up her can and on the way out said “hey fat girl, need me to start your car?” While she was offering to do a nice thing for this perpetually cold pregnant woman, being called “fat girl” in front of the entire dealership was a seriously low blow. To make sure she is not outdone by herself, today, she felt she had to let me know that I am “almost at beached whale status”…..What the fuck?! Seriously? Who the hell says that to another woman…especially when she is pregnant?! When I made a comment that that is “what every woman wants to hear!” she said “I will let you know when you have officially reached beached whale status! Who else is looking out for you?!” She then proceeded to laugh and walk away leaving me wanting to run to a mirror and make sure my blow hole wasn’t showing… I have always been sensitive about my weight. A couple years ago I was at my heaviest. I made a change and lost about 75 pounds and was the skinniest I had been since my Air Force years. I have always been the chubby girl so I was on a serious high. Last summer I gained a little of the weight back, which I was ok with. I knew I had fallen a little off the wagon with the health kick I had been on and drank a lot more beer than usual. When I got pregnant in Sept, I could still fit into those jeans I loved so much. The ones that made me feel so good! That didn’t last long. I had no morning sickness at all in my first trimester and the weight started piling on. My anxiety about the weight gain has sky rocketed since then. I cannot even think of looking at those jeans…they are in the back of the dresser…not to been seen again for a long time! I went to my 24 week doc apt on Monday. I have gained 13 pounds since my last appointment…I cried…especially when my doctor mentioned it. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in my 1st trimester and have been religiously taking the damn pill every morning. The doctor said it should help with the weight gain and the hypothyroidism was probably the main reason for the gain. I have not been ‘that pregnant woman’ who makes her husband run to the store at 2am to get ice cream. I haven’t even had any real cravings. I just don’t understand the weight gain…Yes I understand that I am growing a human in my body and I have always known that there is weight gain involved in that. I also knew that I have always had stress and anxiety when it came to my weight and how people perceive me and it would be a challenge for me. I got a FitBit for Valentines Day and am loving it. I am tracking everything I eat and have been drinking 60-80 ounces of water a day. I don’t pig out and feel that I am doing everything healthy and everything necessary for the baby. Yes, I have the occasional piece of dark chocolate. Yes, we order out every once in awhile. I am only human after all! But I still found myself last Sunday sitting in front of Kohls bawling my eyes out on the phone with J because I couldn’t find an outfit I felt comfortable and pretty in for his Navy re-enlistment coming up on Monday at Fenway park. My doctor mentioned that some of the weight gain is probably swelling so I could weigh myself at night and again in the morning and if I see a loss of significance, its definitely some swelling weight. My scale has not turned on in months and it will remain that way for the duration of my pregnancy. Why? Well for one, the battery is dead and its one of those wicked hard to find watch battery kinds that you get for like $4 a piece at Radio Shack. For two…I can only imagine what I would put myself through if it worked and checked to see if it really was swelling weight….the emotional rollercoaster would just keep going around the damn track! I am sick of seeing all these women on the covers of pregnancy magazines all skinny with a headline of ‘Happiest time of your life!’. Fuck that. Aside from the little flutters and hearing the heartbeat and seeing the ultrasounds, pregnancy fucking sucks. And having someone tell you that you “look like your almost at beached whale status” or the clerk at the store tell you “we don’t have your size” in that judgy tone that makes you want to smack her doesn’t make it any fucking easier.