boring

this is a personal sideblog dont follow it

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Hi, its me, back again after so long, just to say that a*o and a*e are not a part of the **** community unless you specifically find yourself leaning to one of those other identifiers AS WELL. You can't be **** if you are stra*ight, duh, being a*e does not put you on the **** spectrum so stop seeking attention and realize that you're more "~normal~" than you'd like to be.

[26mp]

[26mp]

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone when near the one I love the most ever in my life... I feel like everything’s falling apart and I’m trying so hard to pick up the pieces, I ask if he loves me, I ask if I’m the only romantic interest in his life and yet his correct answers make me feel no validation whatsoever. I don’t know what to do...

[26mp]

I had a dream that I was pregnant last night and I feel like it’s an omen. I’ve NEVER had a dream where I was pregnant lol

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So done with my boyfriend and his stupid fucking obsession with electronics. I fucking hate this

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Hello????

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I’m feeling so insecure and unwanted. I’ve been told by multiple co workers that they see my bf flirting with other girls and whenever we try to make plans something goes wrong and when we go out with other people he completely ignores me or makes me feel bad for not wanting to be social and he makes such an effort to keep in contact with other girls but when it comes to me he doesn’t answer or leaves me on read and seriously, things were going so good for a while but now I’m just so lost again I feel so worthless and unnecessary to him and I don’t know how to tell him.

[26mp]

I just experienced sleep paralysis for the first time and it was the worst thing I think I’ve ever had to go through, I actually feared for my life a few times... I was playing fe then got super tired so I fell asleep and I was dreaming of looking at my ceiling and there was this giant light fixture that hung down above my bed and there was someone peeking over the side of it who was sitting on top of it and the person terrified me, I was so scared of that person and that’s when I started to wake up but when I tried opening my eyes at first i couldn’t and I couldn’t move or at least I couldnt move fast, like at all I was probably able to move my right hand just slightly throughout that entire encounter (it was like 2 minutes long but it felt so much longer). I kept trying to open my eyes and move and I’d eventually get my eyes open, just barely but when they’d close I’d see that person above me looking at me and eventually I just got so confused on when my eyes were open or not that I’d see them no matter how I thought my eyes were. I tried to speak more towards the end of it and I couldn’t open my mouth so I just tried to hum but it was like all the breath got caught in my mouth and I thought I was suffocating I really did, and my heart rate picked up so much and my chest started to hurt and felt so heavy and I was still trying to move just anything on my body but I couldn’t and I thought I was going to die. The pain slowly faded away and the I was able to fully open my eyes and look at my own normal ceiling and eventually was able to move. My jaw hurt so much once I fully came to, and I felt so void, like all I did was roll over and stare at my wall for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what just happened.

[26mp]

Of course I’m come back home from a great day with my mom to my dad doing something that hinders me a lot and yet I get the blame for everything, of course of course

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I went to church with Sammy yesterday and it was the first time I’d seen his grandpa preach and it was also the first time he’s never asked me “what did you think about the service today?” And do you want to know why I think so? Because usually I’ll brush that question aside, say I was tired or I was a little zoned out but he knows full well I pod attention this time and I’m sure he knows I wouldn’t have had much good to say about that service. I looove his grandparents, don’t get me wrong, his grandma especially, but you can tell his grandpa is very used to the unfiltered and older ways of preaching and Sam seems to slowly be understanding where I stand on the religious spectrum (which isn’t very heavy) so he didn’t want to hear my take of his grandpa calling out science and colleges and teens these days lol. It’s just one less disagreement to have so I’m happy about that, but I just think it’s funny he avoided it for once, I wonder if next week he’ll go back to asking.

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So everything’s I guess gone from being my boyfriends fault to being my fault... everything I’ve ever been upset about him with? Yup, my fucking fault I guess. Seems I’m just some big manipulative bitch who has trust issues and looks for any reason I can to break up with someone I’m deeply in love with. Yup, that’s right folks, I’m the one in the wrong, everything’s my fault, everything bad in my life is always my fault, how could I even think to blame someone else

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I just want to sleep, why can’t I sleep for more than like 4 hours I just want to feel ok and stress free for once

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Might be breaking up w my boyfriend whomst I’ve almost been with for a full year tomorrow hehe 😜 ✌🏻 seriously though, he’s disappointed me once again and refused to come over to my house after finally waking up at 7pm even though he promised he would. And quite fucking frankly I’m so sick of crying and feeling like a shouldn’t put my all into a relationship because he obviously isn’t. I want to LOVE someone and BE LOVED AS WELL, I’m over these games, I feel like I’ve just been pulled on a string the last few months and it’s finally going to break. I’m going to tell him outright things need to change, and if he has no intention of fixing his problems or at least trying to then I will not continue fighting this losing battle. I’m done being left behind, I’m done feeling unimportant, I’m done being his last resort, I’m done not being a priority to him after I’ve put him on the top of my list after our first few months. I won’t keep going like this and I’m going to fucking tell him that and I will let HIM decide what happens next, will he fight for me like I have the last 8 months, or will he just let it all slip away like nothing because I mean nothing to him.

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I’m going to start preparing myself in a sense. I’m going to keep my emotions to myself a bit more, I’m no longer going to be the one to text first or make plans because I don’t get responses half the time and if I’m the one to make plans they always fall through on his end. I’m not letting Sam come to me at his convenience anymore, if he wants to see me he can come over, if he continues to refuse to come over he’s not going to see me. If he doesn’t make plans I’m going to spend time with my mom or myself, im not going to sit around waiting for him anymore. If he is just going to ignore me when I text him I just won’t text him anymore, whenever he wants to talk he’ll just have to start the conversation himself. I never fucking initiate anything, ask anyone, but I’ve put so much fucking time and effort and love into this relationship that I’m only getting half back so yes, I’m going to prepare myself. I’m going to prepare myself for the next time he lets me down, for the next time he ignores me, the next time he doesn’t reciprocate the positive energy I push his way, for the next time he tells me I’ll never be the most important thing in his life, because it will be at that time that I will put an end to all of this. I can only take so much, and I’ve taken about as much as I can at this point.

[26mp]

Fuck ok, I bought a 3 pack of tests and they all said no, I’ll try again in a week or so, I even thought of buying another pack because I guess it’s best to take them in the morning, I’m considering going to Walmart real quick just to get another pack....

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I’m going to buy like 4 tests tonight and maybe even ask my mom to go to the hospital to get a proper test but I’m so scared it’s going to say yes I’m so scared

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I’m terrified.... I don’t know why but I’m experiencing period symptoms but my period skipped and it’s of course done this before I know how strange my period can be, but it’s been almost a year since my periods acted funny and I get it consistently every month at around the same time but for some reason it skipped this month and yet I’m still cramping and getting headaches and feeling kind of nauseous and getting super hot at night and I’m actually going to fucking cry because I’m so scared that I might be pregnant. I’m not ready to have a baby, I don’t want to have a baby right now, I’ve never even HAD SEX!! Sam and I have fooled around a bit and I’ve been reading some things and even my mom said that I can easily get pregnant even without having sex so I don’t... know.... what to do.... sam is going to hate me if it’s true, he’s going to fucking hate me and I can’t fucking have a baby I’m broke and living with my family and can’t afford an abortion probably and I’m not sure I’d even want an abortion but I also don’t want to have a baby and don’t want to give it up for adoption I just don’t want to be going through this right now I’m so scared