hey, so this blog is still dead but I’m incredibly disgusted by the mark lee situation. I will be going on my ao3 and side-blogs to delete all my fics with mark in them.
not doing it right away because I have a lot of medical shit going on, and I was sort of letting my ao3 be inactive anyway, but expect those to disappear when I have the mental capacity to do so.
I hope everyone is well, please spread love and educate yourselves against ignorance and racism 🩷
I want to give a little update to why I’ve been absent. I will be venting about my chronic illness, my menstrual cycle, and my mental health struggles. so if that will be upsetting for you, feel free to skip.
the tldr is: I want to get back into writing and posting fanfics, but my health has been too poor to have any motivation for it. I don’t know if I will come back to tumblr.
in summer of 2024, I was diagnosed with pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (pmdd). this was 2 years after my family doctor refused to diagnose me with pmdd, and 10 years of me having excruciatingly painful and difficult menstrual cycles. essentially from the time I started to menstruate, it was awful for me. my family doctor changed in 2024, and I finally stopped being gaslit by medical professionals.
in spring of 2024, I was prompted to seek a diagnosis by my parents, since I was falling deep into a depressive spiral. this was around the same time a close family member of mine was recovering from a severe illness, and I wasn’t taking it well. I was missing more than a week of work each month, and I started to seriously neglect my health. as a result, around the same time my writing and activity online started to fall off.
so that summer, for the first time, I started taking antidepressants. i tried to force normalcy and keep doing all the things I was doing, but it wasn’t possible.
although I had told my previous family doctor and multiple medical professionals about my depression, they all said I was overreacting because my episodes were not consistent enough to diagnose a depressive disorder. this is because with pmdd, my depressive episodes are directly linked to phases of my period. but all these doctors saw was someone who wasn’t ‘depressed enough’ to take up their time.
I’m now trying my third antidepressant, which seems to finally be working. I won’t go into too much detail, but my second antidepressant did literally nothing for me and detoxing off of it was hell. compared to basically a year and a half ago, I’m doing so much better and I’m starting to feel like my life is getting back on track.
if you don’t know anything about pmdd, some of my other problematic symptoms are: chronic pain, chronic fatigue, loss of appetite, brain fog, irrational anger and sadness (emotional dysregulation), hypomania/brief manic episodes, and dysphoria. I have around 2 weeks a month where I’m in pain or physical discomfort, and about a week where I literally feel like a whole other person. I feel unrecognizable to myself, and literally can’t trust my own judgement. this is obviously something I’m working on, but it has made a lot of my past struggles start to make sense. my doctor has also reiterated that there’s no ‘cure’ for pmdd. there are combinations of medications and treatments that will reduce my symptoms or teach me to better tolerate them, but I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
pmdd disables me once a month, and it’s so frustrating that there’s nothing I can do about it.
as you might expect, I turn to stray kids for a lot of comfort. I do have my family and friends as well, who have been a great support system and have kept me going, but stray kids is my escape. I’ve always used fanfiction to take a break from reality, and to explore my innermost fantasies.
I’m still writing stray kids fics, but they’ve become deeply personal. I’ve basically been using my fics to vent and journal through this journey of struggling to accept my chronic illness. my writing has stopped being self-insert and now it’s just myself. and I think people probably understand that I don’t feel comfortable posting those things online. and since I’ve started writing my personal struggles into stories with stray kids, it’s very hard to separate that and just write a normal fic again.
I’d like to pick up my old fics again and finish them, the nct dream ones too, but I don’t know if I can do that right now. I really want to come back, but I just don’t have anything I can post. so, I appreciate anyone who has been waiting for an update or checked in on me during my hiatus. I hope you’re not too disappointed, but this is the update. I don’t have anything to share right now, and I don’t know if there’s a point in me being on this site.
and to anyone else who has struggled with their health or getting a diagnosis, I hope things get easier for you soon. oftentimes we have to fight the medical system to get proper treatment, and it’s exhausting. especially if you’re dealing with mental health issues as well. we have to keep fighting though, please keep fighting and know it can always get better.
hii your work on ao3 “Someone New” is the best NCT fanfic hands down, what are your plans about it? it’s been almost a year since the last time you updated 😞
🥹 tysm, and so sorry for my absence!
I hope to finish the series when I come back to writing and posting more consistently. sorry you’ve been waiting so long! 🫶🏻 thank you for your patience.
i usually ask on anon but i wanted to get notified if you come back
hope you’re doing okay, i know the feeling of not getting any motivation to write! genuinely hope you feel better mentally and physically.
sending good vibes and luv! hugs with consent!
tysm for your sweet message 🥹 yess a million hugs and love 🫶🏻
I def want to come back, but I still have a lot going on in my personal life. I’ll try to post soon about more details, because I think it’ll actually help me feel better to explain what I’m dealing with. I want to keep writing and sharing my stories, I’m just not in a place to be as active as I used to be.
thank you for having me in your thoughts 💕 I hope I’ll have something ready to share soon. I want to continue with the multiple series I’ve been working on, when I can 🥰
so, I was planning to take a short break from this blog… and it turned into like a seven month break… my bad!!
tbh things have been up and down for me, I’ve been dealing with a lot of physical and mental health issues. I’m working through it, but I lost a lot of my motivation to write. mostly because the escapism wasn’t escapisming for me anymore. I’m doing pretty okay, I have a good support system, but I’m just really exhausted.
thank you so much to anyone that has left me messages and kind comments 🫶🏻 I don’t know when I’ll be back to posting, but I do hope to keep writing. I can’t really give a timeline rn.
I hope you’re all doing well 💖 sending you all my love and hopefully I’ll be back soon 🥰
(idk but I’m feeling whatever emotion is on felix’s face)
hiii baddies 💕
here’s a little update with my plans for my nct dream and stray kids fics
first, I want to post new chapters for my ao3 series:
💚 Someone New (markhyuck/ot7 x reader, ch. 11) wc: 2000+
💚 Hey Lovers (ot5 x reader, ch. 6) wc: 2000+
🖤 Fangs and Claws (hyunlix x reader, ch. 11+12+13) wc: 11000+
I’m hoping to post the following skz fics by the end of august:
🖤 I Wanna Be Yours (lee know x reader) wc: 5000+
🖤 Sanguine (ot8 x reader) wc: 5000+
and I have titles for my next hyunchanlixreader fics but they probably won’t be ready for next month:
🖤 Never Not Mine (hyunchanlix x reader, pt.4) wc: 3000+
🖤 Auroras (hyunchanlix x reader, fantasy au) wc: 5000+
I have so many drafts and ideas as well but I won’t share anything until they’re more developed. I’m also planning something special for september, and considering doing kinktober or a writing prompt challenge for october but we’ll see 👀
guys we reached our end goal we raised 5000 dollars for palestine!!! 🥹 wah im actually tearing up rn;; genuinely thank you so so so much, for trusting me for donating and for reblogging,,, i’m so happy that we were able to make a change through our little community, seriously can’t thank you enough for this ❤️ i love you guys
whoever this is you’re weird as hell for copying my own words about Hanji onto an INSTAGRAM caption 😭 like you really couldn’t come up w a caption by yourself…… yall really don’t let anything I produce be sacred to this blog huh
seunglix being roommates has got my brain horny and stupid, so here’s a little smutty draft for these sexy nerds (500 words)
afab + gn!reader
🔞MINORS DNI🔞
!!ATTENTION!!
Reposting this fic to other platforms, including as a translation or to train AI, is expressly prohibited. Do not copy, alter, or claim this fic as your own. Absolutely no permission is given to anyone to post my works, even with credit, and this fic should only appear on Ao3 or Tumblr under my accounts. Reposting is not only plagiarism, but a direct violation of my wishes as the original writer and owner. Please respect writers and don’t steal! Likes, reblogs, asks and comments are always welcome and appreciated <3
~~~
Felix and Seungmin are absolute menaces together. They invite you over for some games and to ‘break in’ the new apartment. You forget about the latter half of that plan when you and Felix start an intense Mario Kart tournament. Although you are both enjoying the game, it isn’t much of a challenge. You’ve sweeped Felix in every race, steadily holding first place while he brings up second or lower.
If there is one thing true about Felix, it’s that he is competitive. If there is one thing true about Seungmin, it’s that he is not above cheating to get what he wants.
“What are you doing?”
Your voice is quiet, dismissive, as Seungmin slides into the spot behind where you are sitting on the floor. Felix is beside you, leaning forward like getting closer to the TV screen will help his tremendous lose-streak. Seungmin’s arms slide around your waist and he tugs you closer between his legs.
“I’m not doing anything,” Seungmin fibs.
You hum absentmindedly and lean back against him, your eyes still locked on the screen. It isn’t long before he becomes a distraction. His hands slip under your shirt then beneath the waistband of your sweats. You huff and buck your hips as the race finishes, then feel your eyes roll at the feeling of Seungmin’s fingers sneaking between your legs.
“Kim Seungmin,” You growl.
He shushes you and presses a brief peck to your earlobe as he continues his exploration under your pants. You huff and start another race, not without catching the mischievous smirk on Felix as he looks at the two of you.
“Losing focus?” Felix teases.
“N-o-”
You choke on a moan and throw your head back on Seungmin’s shoulder. You try to ignore him but you can’t, and by the end of the race you’re gushing around his fingers as your racer idles in twelfth place. You whine as Seungmin kisses your shoulder, then your cheek, then the corner of your lips. You are still dazed and whining when Felix crawls in front of you, and catches your attention with a teasing smirk.
“I won first place,” He provokes in a sultry voice.
“You cheated,” You pant out.
Seungmin withdraws his hand from your heat and inspects his fingers, before slipping them into his mouth. Felix groans at the sight and leans in, his hands cup your waist as he asks:
“Can I have a prize?”
“For winning one game?”
He pouts.
“I tried really hard…”
Seungmin turns your chin as you begin to answer and silences you with a deep kiss. You whimper and melt in his arms as Felix presses kisses to the side of your neck. Finally, they break away with soft pants to let you speak.
“I want to play a new game,” Seungmin challenges.
Felix’s eyebrow quirks up and he smiles, seeming enticed at the opportunity to win a challenge he may be more skilled at.
“What is it?” You mumble, pouting playfully as Seungmin brushes his lips over the bridge of your nose.
“Me and Felix versus you,” He murmurs, “If we can make you finish the most times, we win.”
“2V1? That’s not fair,” You protest, “And, you two have a head start.”
Seungmin smirks and Felix chuckles before suggesting:
“Well, we better get going then, hm? Wouldn’t want you to fall too far behind.”
