Are Your 30's Do or Die? A Treatise.
KIKI: Are your 30’s do or die? I read this Jezebel article and then started thinking of some St. Elmo’s Fire clips and your big girl move and baby time for me. Like 27/28 = woah, we’re almost 30 and legit adults.
ASHER: Ugghhh I hated that article. The only thing that makes the 30’s different from the 20’s and 40’s, the “it” decades listed in that article, is that they haven’t released a good romcom about people in their 30’s in a while. I think you just feel like you your whole life and that’s what eventually becomes a legit adult. Which is scary when you think of how much authority adults give themselves when you know that everyone is just as much of a bullshitting asshole as you are. I kind of realized that when I was a little kid, that these stupid fucks didn’t know any better than I did. I got in a lot of trouble in school pointing out how far various people had stuck their heads up their asses.
St.Elmo's fire is a little young for us - about getting your 1st job and breaking up with your college sig. other. I guess it could translate to us now because most people are still incredibly unstable in their late 20's due to salaries not rising along with expenses, and also dating sucks. Aside from being close to broke a lot of the time, there are no dudes out there that fulfill enough of my non-negotiables that I would want to date them. But, I love sex so I'm not going to like, sit around and not fuck anyone, or settle. I would rather die alone then settle. I would also rather die alone than be celibate because, c'mon. So, I have two fuck buddies, one to fulfill my snuggle needs who like, only does vanilla stuff [BIFF] and another to fulfill my hot 'n' sweaty jungle sex needs who also sometimes snuggles [BIFF].
How are thing different for you as the married/good job/kids/doing everything right person?
KIKI: Jesus Christ give me a minute. I'm trying to sort everyone's shit out from the last 3 months of NOT DOING SHIT while I was gone on maternity leave.Â
ASHER: Ooh I bet that sucks ass, I go away for a week and everything gets shot to hell, I can't even imagine 3 months. I CAN, however, imagine not going to work for 3 months.
KIKI: Staying at home was harder for the first 8 weeks than work. The last 4 were fun and went by WAY fast once he could actually go to yoga and the store and stuff. Minus anywhere involving strollers because just like his mommy that baby fucking hates strollers.
ASHER: As part of this adultiness conversation, Lena Dunham can suck a dick. Oberlin, amirite? Is this what the babies fresh out of school are like? The fat chick at work really like that show, Girls.
KIKI: Can't stand her, duh. P.S., I'm pumping and writing this and eating lunch all at once! Huzzah! Anyway, I too realized adults were full of shit and also had a big mouth getting me into trouble (I am sensing a theme).
Honestly, I wouldn't say I felt like a legit grown up until I got pregnant. I was still in grad school and still going out. Luckily I'm married to a BIFF who is super content with letting me do my own thing for my sanity (and his). I think most of this had to do with one's personality more than anything. Some BUFFYs like stability more than others. I think it just hits people at different times when you're like, WOAH, maybe I should sort my shit out if I want X,Y,Z.
That being said, I was super jealous of the BUFFYs out there fucking around for the last 5 years or so (at least that's what it looked like to me).
ASHER: Sometimes literally, right? Fucking around? LOL. Nah but I've felt like a legit adult since getting DOG because he has a lot of needs that I have to keep myself on track to meet, because I made a commitment to give him the best life possible. In fact, sometimes I feel older than shit, especially when I'm waking up early on the weekends to be all productive, or last weekend when I didn't eat mushrooms with my friends because I knew I had to allocate that money towards paying a parking ticket. SIGH. Tripped up on a trip so I didn't get to trip.
KIKI: When I was 3rd year deep into grad school, working full time, and 9 months pregnant, I more than anything felt like holy shit, I can do anything, and everyone (meaning mostly BIFFs - not my BIFF though) can SUCK IT because no matter what, BIFFs can never get pregnant.
Now, I would rather get shit done quickly so I can chill with baby BIFF (the cutest & coolest). More than anything you all of a sudden care 100% more about the baby than yourself which makes your "20's" end. I will agree that DOG is similar to baby BIFF in that he is high needs. Baby BIFF just cost like, 10 times more, ripped open my vag, and will sass me more when he gets old enough for that.
I am looking forward to my 30's. Not to wish my 20's away, but your 30's are the bridge (Over...troubled waters? Sorry! Had to!). Doesn't everything happen in your 30's?
ASHER: Strangely, I am looking forward to my 30's, too. In the past couple of years I have toned down the party considerably. It started so I could have cuter photos to post to FB in better settings that make my life look more glam, but I'm really on board. It's part of an overall interest in better health and looking and feeling great because I tell you what the skin on my neck is not getting any younger and if I'm to afford tit maintenance in my 30's I have to stop partying my salary and start saving. I will also need a new car in the next 5 years and I would also like to have the social and financial stability to attract the right kind of mate.
KIKI: It's weird how you get over a certain type of going out. I still love to drink and be social, but in a different way. Can we talk about neck fat? Mine is not fun after baby fat...
ASHER: Ugh, neck fat, that's how you know you have to lose weight. You're actually looking good! My friend BUFFY had her baby before you and I'm like girl you were so sexy before this creature totally sucked all the young and hot out of your bod. She's not like, as fat as she was when she was preggs but she's still uncomfortably large.
So, sex after baby, how soon can you do that? I know BIFF is hung, but is it different now? I feel about babies the same way I feel about getting my hoo-ha pierced: what if it's not like it was before? I've spent a lot of time with my current setup and I'm not sure I want to trade in for a new ride.
p.s. My metaphorical wang is huge.
KIKI: We have huge metaphorical wangs.
BIFF's wang has attempted to enter lady but she was like oh hell no so we are in practice mode. I'm actually supposed to order a vibrator smaller than him and practice, LOL! It is weird having an orgasm too when you don't feel everything down under the same, but kegals should fix the issue!
Thanks for the props on the baby weight, I'm only 10 lbs from when I got preggers!
ASHER: Right on! I have some benwah balls, they're pretty cool.
KIKI: Def. <3 [benwah] Balls!
