Self Discovery/Coming out
This is my self discovery/coming out story. It’s long and I’m on mobile so hopefully this works.
Fifth grade: we started sex ed. I was uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than the other kids who were mostly giggling uncomfortably. They glanced over sexual attraction because I was in a catholic school. Most of the kids kind of nodded, I didn’t understand
Sixth grade: things felt weird. I was dating a sweet boy but I didn’t want to kiss him. I liked the thought of holding his hand but I didn’t want to kiss him. People always asked if we had kissed. I said no. They whispered
Seventh grade: I had dated two boys already (one for two weeks before the boy mentioned above and the boy mentioned above for 363 days). People whispered that I was weird. I dated one more guy. I still didn’t want to kiss him. He broke up with me after two weeks. He said I was an experiment. People whispered again. There must have been something wrong with me
Eighth grade: I’m dating a new boy because I feel like it’s expected of me. We make out and I spend the entire time wondering when I can go home and wrap myself in a blanket. I feel gross every time I kiss him. I feel unclean, like something is creeping in me, just feeling wrong. His friends throw rocks at me because I don’t walk home with them. They were never my friends. The boy breaks up with me after a few months, after his friends verbally sexually harass me. Telling me to use protection. Throwing a condom at me. He spreads rumours he touched my breasts under my shirt. He touched my butt over my jeans. He still spread the rumour. It was just a rumour. I lost friends. People talked
Grade nine: my friend group has gone down. I refuse to date. No one asks me out. I am labeled a whore and a slut. I am hurt. I still do not understand sexual attraction. People still whisper. Apparently I am too quiet. I am an attention seeker. They continue to whisper
Grade ten: I left the school board. I am in a new school. New name because my legal name gives me flashbacks of the rocks hitting me, facing the sneers of these kids, all the whispering. I get a fun asking thing to bug my friend with nice messages. They find it. They send me messages calling me a whore, saying I wasn’t bullied. They forgot about the rocks. About the rumours. I delete my old Facebook account and I delete the fun asking thing. I change my tumblr URL so I’m not easily recognised. I’m dating a girl now. I feel more comfortable. I do research. I discover I’m pansexual. It still feels off because kissing makes me uncomfortable. People don’t whisper
Grade eleven: I become better friends with this person who is questioning their gender. They know they are asexual and aromantic. I ask them what asexuality is. They explain. I break down beside them because there is my word. There is why I am like this. From helping them with their gender research I discover I am nonbinary (neutrois) and panromantic instead of pansexual. I feel good. I feel safe. I tell my mother as calmly as I can. She doesn’t understand. She believes it to be a phase. I am hurt. But I move on. I have friends who understand. I have helped friends discover their asexuality. I have helped friends come out. I am more open with my identities and orientations. I have been labeled an inspiration. I am glad. I go on a music trip to England with a boy I’ve had a crush on since the beginning of grade eleven. We get to know each other. I explain all my orientations. He is sweet and understanding. He asks me out. I say yes. People don’t whisper. I feel comfortable kissing him. Our relationship is more open and beautiful. I am comfortable with him. People don’t whisper. People come up to me and tell me my relationship is adorable. That makes me feel better. We are still together. April 2017 is our two year anniversary
Finding out I was asexual helped me so much. I feel more comfortable in my skin, I understand why certain things made me uncomfortable. I understand my asexuality and I am comfortable in it. I can finally branch out with my understanding. I can kiss my boyfriend without feeling sick and like something is being taken from me. I am safe. I am valid. I am beautiful
















