ɞ♡⃛ʚ

I write about being fucked… by my life 🍓

[4getherandfindher]

I’m breathing but there’s need for more air

My lungs tighten and my heart does too

Thoughts after thoughts after thoughts.

I don’t care but I can’t help that I do.

Can’t choose between loving and smothering.

If I smother them they leave.

I choose to be true to myself.

I smother them with affection.

That’s taken as a threat.

A threat that there will be too much love.

So I chose to be someone else.

A text message after an hour of being on delivered. My heart still hurts and yearns for the attention. But mind is safe because there’s no way for the heart to hurt again.

I don’t smother them I push them away.

With the thought of wondering if they even truly cared.

It’s the 14 year old boy that tore my heart to pieces

It’s the father that I was blessed with

Called a bitch an age 16 to the years I turned 19. Called a whore for wanting love at age 20.

The man I saw when I was 2 I knew he was scary. I had to be brave. At the age 3 for the warmth of something to eat or something to sleep on. A restroom was a privilege at age 5. Everything blurry but my siblings were always in a hurry to empty the bucket that we used to you know…

And I can’t blame my parents for the way that I am. I’m smart I’m loving and caring but I don’t care about others. How was I supposed to care for others when no one cared about me.

I was 9 and I saw my parents fighting.

It became electric so my brother covered my eyes. It was years of being shoved in a room while my ears were ringing. Dishes breaking , screaming, my mother crying.

Then I turned 18, mothers know best right.

You trust the person that gave you life because that’s what the heart says to do.

But when you have a mother choose between two children she’s bared. The boy always wins.

Heart pounding. Hands shaking , screaming. Dishes breaking.

Sounds not too new.

Now I’m the one that fights. with my brother that once protected me from the electric air.

It was the day I turned 18 and I lost all respect for the one that has brought me into this world. I’m 18 my brother is 27.

I just turned legal.

Betrayed is an understatement.

I was a teenager and my mother chose my brothers side.

It was 8:54pm and my brother threw my mother against the wall.

Cocaine. Was the fault of it all.

“You never disrespect the person that brought you into this world “

Is the words my mother has taught us.

Just like my dad my brother fought his own demons.

He punched me on the day I turned 18

You see I don’t want to show I care for them for him for anyone because no man’s has ever cared for me.

From birth , my father chose alcohol over me.

Now I’m 23

And I can’t seem to agree with anyone who chooses to love me.

In the back of my mind I still think it’s my fault.

Wash me in the water

You can love me like a daughter.

And I’ll never be like him.

[4getherandfindher]

I’m older now and the days are less gray

But no one says hey anymore

And my heart says yay

And no more pain seeps in

When I see two lips locking

Teeth being pushed up against tounges and lips

Lips and hips

And sips from the lips.

Both type.

From a very young age I was filled with sadness

The words you’ll never be happy seep through my brain.

But I think this is happiness

I only cry when I’m bleeding now

Hormonal like a regular woman

my brain is quiet

My heart is healed

Of course my Brain scatters around to find an ounce of negativity.

“You don’t have no friends “

My Brain blurts out

I reply “because you choose solitude” I spat back like an argument between my sister and I.

“You still haven’t found love or experienced it” my Brain says

“Do you remember how the boy you never even dated made you feel ?

“Do you remember the guys you met online made you feel ?

“Do you remember what your “friend with benefits “ said ?

I say back.

See I’ve spent the last two years excepting myself, my mind and my heart.

No more excuses on why or what if

What about the feelings you get when you start to be interested in someone ?

The agony you feel when they don’t reply, don’t message first , don’t compliment don’t ask “how are you ?”

And actually fucking mean it.

It hurts and it feels like the world is gonna fucking end.

I’m tired.

So yes I’m happy being alone,

I’m happy being single

I’m happy right where I am.

And I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

I’m me

[4getherandfindher]

Empty

I don’t know what I did to deserve the feeling of emptiness

I’ve been nothing but kind to you

To him

To them

To everyone

So why does my kindness get swallowed by emptiness

I love and when I love I love hard

I tell myself it’s because of myself

I don’t allow anyone to get close because of you.

It all fucking started with you.

I hate you.

But I still love you.

The love I have for you is like no other

At the age of 14 I knew what love was

It was the presence of you

Now I’m just empty and I still want you.

I open my body for many

But still wish they were you.

I will do anything to forget you

But I can’t.

I still love you.

[4getherandfindher]

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved by someone else, not my parents , not my siblings , not friends , no one.

They say god gives his toughest battles to the ones that are the strongest

While I’m a soldier

A tall Latina , 5’9 blue haired , very mentally challenged soldier.

I cry every other month.

Thinking spiraling .

It takes one text message, one call

One little itty bitty ounce of attention to get me wrapped around his finger.

[4getherandfindher]

It’s a sip that turns into a need

A want

A needy feeling that turns into daydreaming

And self esteem.

My self esteem makes me feel in control of it

My body screams for it

It’s the sound of tea screaming from the burning sensation

Boiling and burning

My thighs burn when your tounge is wrapped around my mine

It’s intoxicating

The taste of your saliva is sweet

My top lip smushed up against your teeth

Your bottom lip crushed between my teeth

You love it

We’re so different yet so similar its sweet

Thighs pushing against your lap

My stomach is in a knot

A good one

The sound of your breath replays in my mind

I love to hover over you while you’re in me.

The emptiness that’s fillled is what makes me love you.

[irisili0]

Forgive yourself for all the wrong things you did just to be loved.

[rozieramati]

[maygodactuponmemercifully]

I said I love you and you didn’t say it back, instead, you asked me what I meant.

I said that if God came down and told me I had to live a thousand lives, I’d ask Him if you could be in all of them, any way will do.

You looked at me as if I asked you to carry something impossibly heavy.

I said, no, you don’t understand, I love you.

I love that you exist, I love that God, in His incomprehensible vastness, made you.

You said I’m being romantic.

I said, no, you don’t understand, I’m deeply grateful that you’re happening, that you move through this existence with a voice and agency, that I got to experience you.

You asked me what I meant.

I meant thank you.

[4getherandfindher]

A certain song brings you back to a place you were at no matter bad or good.

I’ve been fascinated by this since I could remember. It’s the tune that clicks in my brain and makes me sad.

I love that feeling.

I love the feeling of being sad.

That’s all I know.

People come and go.

Songs , dogs , places, people they all go.

Why is it sad when they go when I know

We all out grow.

[4getherandfindher]

You say “female” as if a women is an object

Yet forget you were brewed in a woman’s womb the same way you beg to let your seed seep into mine.

You follow over 1.5k women on instagram

That show off their body.

Body’s you can only wish and dream to touch.

I’ve given my body to a man that doesn’t deserve to feel the warmth of a woman.

The curves of comfort and stability.

You say the word “female” as if the woman you so eagerly bickered a few words at isn’t on your mind. Undressing her with your eyes. She looks at you in your eyes and sees a “male”

I’m 24 years old.

My dad didn’t love me obviously I’ve said to multiple men as I send seductive photos of myself. Eyes looking up so I give the illusion I’m under them.

When i was 14 no “boy” ever looked at me.

It was humiliating. I spent seconds,!minutes, hours , days , months , years wondering why!

Why wasn’t I likable.

Of course it killed me I was a child…

Life works wonders for loosers

Because I’m 24 , have blue hair.

A a very pretty face.

It’s in my blood to be drawn to fucking loosers. But for my benefit it worked out .

Men pay me because I’m just that “fucking hot” just as I am a “female” you are a “male” a 22 year old man that is pathetic.

Plays the victim but is actually the villain.

Continue to touch your under average male genitalia. To the women you’re brain is so rotten for but continue to call “female”

[4getherandfindher]

Mystify

I learned a new word today

But I’m still puzzled like the first day

I don’t know why I go to you

I don’t know where they all went.

I look at you and I feel so much

Mystify

I see nothing but disappointment in you

And the more I see you the more I feel disappointment in me.

Because why should I be

With someone like you.

Someone like him.

The man that bruised my mind and heart.

I look at that man and see disgust.

You’re not him but you are.

I see disgust in someone you’re not.

Somehow somewhere I feel that’s not you.

Or maybe it is.

Maybe I was the sick that poisoned you into becoming a “better you”.

Except you think you’re better and I think you’re bitter.

You drink, you smoke , you snort

But you didn’t before.

It’s mystify

How I just laid eyes on you.

I don’t know you.

I just seen a boy with brown hair and brown eyes

Awkward

Just like me.

How did this become of ?

It’s so mystifying….

[4getherandfindher]

Best friends forever?

When blood is not as thick as water

But water is thicker than blood.

When sisters are not biological but are bonded by chemistry.

I had a best friend forever.

There was never a forever.

Envy at 14 years of age.

Jealously of attention by others.

I was jealous of her. I can admit.

I’m sure she could never admit she was jealous of me.

I’ll admit it. I didn’t like the way I would talk to a boy and that same boy say “oh your friend is cute”

I always felt less of a teenage girl because of her.

I would starve myself for hours days even sometimes months with just 12 full meals.

I spent years hating my body, sticking in my stomach, measuring my wrists. Drinking water and chewing gum so the hunger pains can go away.

She did too.

I will never know if we were toxic for eachother. The laughs and the toxicity we were both grown up from.

Was what bonded us…

I talk to bystanders and they say “yes you guys were toxic”

I often think about how you would say “what is not meant for you will be let go”

Was that meant for you too.

I know I wasn’t the best friend.

But I know I did care for you as a sister.

I’ll always live life with “I hope she’s happy”

I hope she has that perfect boyfriend she’s dreamed of “

“I hope she has that bmw she wanted to badly”

“I hope she has that pure bred husky she wants so badly”

I miss you but I know you don’t miss me.

Some how I think you hated my lifestyle because it was more exciting then yours.

Does the puddle dry up if there’s no sun?

My life since 8 years old has been a puddle I prayed to god for sun

Yours was a puddle in the sand on a very hot summer day.

The heat will always dry that puddle or the sand will rescue it and swallow it.

I’m sorry my puddle was deeper than yours. So the sun came to dry it up.

Just be thankful you don’t have the lines of the water being evaporated.

Everything leaves a mark.

My mark is ptsd.

So I’m sorry I wasn’t the best friend.

I’m still rooting for you though. ❤️

[ssoftdecay]

Oof this is so real

[4getherandfindher]

Best friends forever?

When blood is not as thick as water

But water is thicker than blood.

When sisters are not biological but are bonded by chemistry.

I had a best friend forever.

There was never a forever.

Envy at 14 years of age.

Jealously of attention by others.

I was jealous of her. I can admit.

I’m sure she could never admit she was jealous of me.

I’ll admit it. I didn’t like the way I would talk to a boy and that same boy say “oh your friend is cute”

I always felt less of a teenage girl because of her.

I would starve myself for hours days even sometimes months with just 12 full meals.

I spent years hating my body, sticking in my stomach, measuring my wrists. Drinking water and chewing gum so the hunger pains can go away.

She did too.

I will never know if we were toxic for eachother. The laughs and the toxicity we were both grown up from.

Was what bonded us…

I talk to bystanders and they say “yes you guys were toxic”

I often think about how you would say “what is not meant for you will be let go”

Was that meant for you too.

I know I wasn’t the best friend.

But I know I did care for you as a sister.

I’ll always live life with “I hope she’s happy”

I hope she has that perfect boyfriend she’s dreamed of “

“I hope she has that bmw she wanted to badly”

“I hope she has that pure bred husky she wants so badly”

I miss you but I know you don’t miss me.

Some how I think you hated my lifestyle because it was more exciting then yours.

Does the puddle dry up if there’s no sun?

My life since 8 years old has been a puddle I prayed to god for sun

Yours was a puddle in the sand on a very hot summer day.

The heat will always dry that puddle or the sand will rescue it and swallow it.

I’m sorry my puddle was deeper than yours. So the sun came to dry it up.

Just be thankful you don’t have the lines of the water being evaporated.

Everything leaves a mark.

My mark is ptsd.

So I’m sorry I wasn’t the best friend.

I’m still rooting for you though. ❤️

[out-of-yourr-league-deactivated]

tumblr is like a midnight therapy session 

[ddlgkinderwhore-deactivated2017]

[co1demptyheart]

you ever get angry at your body for feeling dizzy when you stand up like stoppppp i’m not even skinny yettttt >:(

[4getherandfindher]

24 YEARS

It’s taken me 24 years to stop yearning for attention, for love , for lust,

It took me 24 years of age to finally see that love is within me.

It’s when I take myself for a walk , because I just need to get out.

It’s remembering I need to take my allergy pill before an allergy attack comes along.

It’s eating honey for my throat to be soothed.

It’s listening to that song I love so much on repeat til I’m sick of it.

It’s ordering that $9 Strawberry drink.

And telling the barista exactly how to make it.

It’s talking slow and not doubting myself or my work. When it comes to my passion.

It’s leaving that job that treated me like shit.

It’s getting into that uncomfortable

Confrontation.

It’s painting my nails at 12am because I can.

I don’t rely on anyone to give me that peace I once craved and yearn for.

And I’m so happy to be 24 years old.