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Graffiti Corner: This week - men at work!

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #men with cans

Serenity Now - Talk Me To Death

Getting trapped in an office conversation is one of the surest ways to wipe minutes, and often hours (depending on who you become untangled with), from your day. Think about that over the course of a year. Think of what you could have done with all that time. Because of your commitment to politeness countless Airfix replicas of German WW2 aircraft carriers remain unbuilt, celebrity gossip websites unpatronised and GridWars 2 high scores unbeaten. Oh, the humanity. It's okay, though. Having successfully worked through the 27 point to-do list with which we started this site it's fair to say we're running out of steam but we're not done just yet. Not while 66% of the team can be dragged from the abyss of apathy to bring you another rushed yet aesthetically bulleted list on making it to Friday without burning your trousers in despair.

Interruptions Are King

If you visibly recoil at the sensation that a colleague is about to draw you in to a conversation of indeterminable length and quality and there's no immediate avenue of escape besides voiding your bowels a decent interruption is your only hope. You can hold out for chance, perhaps a superior will drag your assailant into a meeting or the fire alarm will sound demanding you assemble at the right spot outside with the rest of the company (at which point you can get lost in the crowd or, better yet, head home), but going in with a plan is preferrable. Grab your mobile, find the stopwatch / timer (if you have an Android handset there are plenty of applications available that will do the job for you) and punch in the amount of time you can stand to lose. Once the buzzer sounds grab your handset, announce that it's your wife / mistress / taxidermist and quietly excuse yourself.

Timed Tea Breaks

Being in the right place at the right time is crucial, in many areas of life, and when it comes to work the best place to be is far away from where you're about to be asked to do something, accused of having done something or dragged into a meeting. With a couple of weeks practice you can usually sense when this is about to happen. It's the same people who usually do the asking and office etiquette dictates they won't jump straight in without first asking either how you are or, if it's Monday, what you did at the weekend. Scout their approach, swipe an empty tea cup and march purposefully toward the kitchen. If it looks likely they'll break with protocol and try to talk to you on route bring out your phone and make as if you're taking a call from a hospital.

Prior Engagements

As it is with side-stepping an invitation to Aunt Patricia's evening of Julio Iglesias themed cabaret, announcing that you have a prior engagement is key to keeping unwanted interruptions to a minimum. At the beginning of every closed-door meeting make it known that you have a conference call with a customer in thirty minutes. If someone collars you in the hall look over their shoulder and mouth to an imaginary person behind them that you'll be with them in a moment. And Lord, if anyone approaches your desk with intent after half four in the afternoon begin to rapidly pack your bag and run for the exit yelling that it's a shame they just missed you.

#serenity now #work avoidance #jibber-jabber

Graffiti Corner: This week - Velcro for eyebrows

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #velcro for eyebrows

Serenity Now - Tube Driver Taxonomy

For those who don't ride London's underground railway (colloquially known as the Tube) the notion of travelling to work fully clothed in a subterranean sauna unintentionally frotting all and sundry each time the carriage takes a corner might seem like madness. For those that do partake, the driver's cab at the front of the train is an oasis at the head of a cramped conga line. Given their position of authority and comfort (most Tube drivers are rarely seen without an insulated cup and copy of The News Of The World) it might be safe to assume that a career sound tracked by the rhythmic clack-clack of the wheels on the rails would leave every one of them a serene Zen master. What are the chances?

The Strong, Silent Type

The mould from which all punters wish their driver had been cast. Leaves the talking to the automated voice and concentrates on the more important task of running the train on time. He's invisible. For all the punters know a two ton walrus is behind the controls. The SST is capable of such resolve that even a platform six rows deep requiring of four attempts to close the doors can't break his focus. The sort of man (and sometimes woman) we all wish we could be. A (train driving) God.

The Chatterbox

We've all been there. Having grabbed the prestigious end of row seat you're set to spend a blissful journey in your own world when the driver decides to announce the next station and a list of no fewer than six possible reasons why you might alight there. Perhaps that's his favourite stop, you think, and he's got it out of his system. Alas no, not only does he call the next stop too but spends the intervening time explaining what's happening on the other lines followed by the coming weekend's engineering schedule. In his younger days he was on hospital radio. In his later days he'll be repelling crowds at Speaker's Corner.

The Warmonger

It's rush hour. The platform is full. Packed train after packed train rolls through. A couple of people shuffle off, a couple more squeeze on. Those on-board blink at the floor and offer looks of apology; there's no room. As the train pulls out you hear the motors pick up and then WHUMP! They cut out, the train coasts, and everyone is thrown a half-step forward. The motors buzz, the train accelerates and then WHUMP! It happens again. Everyone knows what's coming; channelling his least favourite school teacher the driver comes on and yells 'Don't lean on the doors! If it happens again I'll be forced to take this train out of service at the next station!' Everyone thinks the same thing; 'Yeah, as if you're the guy who gets to make THAT call.'

#serenity now #the tube #tube drivers #character assassination

Graffiti Corner: This week - letters in the mist

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #futuristic type

Efficiency Savings - Email Templates

In 2008, following a 6 year run as the Internet's foremost online Lothario, West Sussex native Bradley Forebright was revealed to be the unrepentant womaniser he was by his most recent conquest, Hampshire dinner-lady and mother of six Deidre Whimpers, after she became bored waiting for him to finish his pre-coital preparations and happened upon his email inbox. With wide eyes and nimble fingers she hopped from item to item in growing disbelief, realising that the messages which with he'd so effectively won her affection weren't the heavily personalised missives they'd appeared to be but variants of a template he'd used as bait to lure 87% of county's over-40s to his stain-resistant bedroom. A woman of high principals it would be less than five minutes before Deidre had removed the shoulder-length Marigolds, wiped herself clean of tartar sauce and peeled off the fake tattoos designed to make her breasts resemble two freshly smoked kippers and stormed out, reluctantly admitting to herself that her mother had been right all along.

Though it will be little consolation to him now (Bradley passed away some years ago due to complications arising from a rare form of syphilis) his pioneering use of email templates was instrumental in ensuring he had a different date each night of the week for three consecutive years. Sure, when you're 14 you can spend three days on a text message to a girl who gave you what you would later learn to identify as a come-on glance during double science, but try that when you're approaching 30 and you'll find that you've lost your job and become malnourished in the meantime. Your words are special, but to save the special stuff for people you care about it's important not to dilute yourself by spending a second more than is necessary on the rest of your correspondence. We've yammered on about this before, but if you're canny enough to use one of the many free email clients that aren't written by Microsoft you're already in better shape than you realise. Hit reply, bring up a template, merge in a couple of core fields and marvel as Henry Ford's production line meets your outbox and another comprehensive response slides off the presses. If you're still spending your days with Outlook, good luck.

#efficiency savings #email templates #would-be cassanovas

Graffiti Corner: This week - something beginning with a?

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #things beginning with a

Serenity Now - They Say It's Your Birthday

For most well-adjusted people birthdays become less important as the years roll by and they're happy to let the quaint anniversary signifying another 12 months of continued existence pass quietly while making more of fuss of the birthdays of those they care about. Regrettably this same convention isn't carried forward into office life where several, altogether different customs, have evolved to the point where any amount of questioning by newcomers is treated with the same amount of respect reserved for tramps attempting to the use the facilities of a London member's club. For your edification, Team 5d2d breaks things down like this:

Gifts For One And All

We've no idea as to the identity of the raving narcissist that first decided it was a good idea to flip the gift-giving tradition on its head and storm into work with armfuls of edible treats on his birthday, like Scrooge kicking down Bob Cratchit's front door at the climax of A Christmas Carol, but if we had a time machine we'd use it to interrupt said man's morning commute and force him to eat everything he's carrying, spin in a circle thirty times and make the rest of the journey on foot. Birthday gift-giving is a one-way affair.

Card Carrying Colleagues

If we're honest, we couldn't say that we're friends with the majority of the people we work with. It's rare to make a genuine connection with another person and rarer still for that sentiment to be reciprocated. What could you possibly have in common with the 50-something single woman in Accounting who spends her weekends creating miniature dolls of Civil War veterans from toothpicks and sharing upbeat conversations with her geraniums? So when you return from the toilet to find a birthday card for her hidden within an inconspicuous piece of printing and the 25 recognised variations of 'Have a great day!' have already been used it can be tough to know what to do. We recommend you follow the example set by an aged computer programmer we once knew; sign every that passes your desk, irrespective of who it's addressed to, with 'Happy Christmas!'

The Lunch Bunch

In some offices an assortment of 24 doughnuts beside the printer and a smile no longer cuts it and you may often find yourself expected to take a bunch of people you hardly know to lunch at a local eatery and pay for them to satisfy themselves, a bit like the birthday parties you had until age 5 when your parents invited the children they thought were your friends and watched to see if they'd attack you with plastic cutlery. Obscure the true date of your birthday at all costs. If anyone asks, it happened last Saturday. Hopefully none of your colleagues are smart enough to realise it's not possible for ten consecutive birthdays to fall on a weekend.

#serenity now #birthdays #time machines

Graffiti Corner: This week - Pinky and The Brain!

#the odd photograph #pinky and the brain #laboratory mice

Management Subversion - Passing The Baton Of Responsibility

A number of things can ruin the rhythm of the working day but few interruptions are more unwelcome than that of being asked to do something. Five minutes ago you were gazing happily out the window contemplating an afternoon spent dreaming up an article for the satirical website you're frequently being asked to contribute to when suddenly you're required to do work. And worse than that, work that somebody else has deemed unworthy of them. Fortunately this problem was solved long ago with the invention of delegation. Or as it's known in less diplomatic circles, dumping. Productivity gurus will have you think that delegation is an important part of office life and a sound strategy for workflow management. That they're able to say such a thing with a straight face tells you all you need to know. In case it doesn't, though, we're here with a little extra:

How Low Can You Go?

Always, always, always delegate to somebody younger than you. It doesn't matter if they're smarter, more qualified or have been at the company twice as long they'll have been conditioned, as we all have, that if somebody older asks you to do something you quietly get on and do it. Who did you take more seriously at school? The decrepit mathematician in his 80s or the young guy in the leather jacket on teacher training?

Assume It's A Done Deal

If Derren Brown has taught the world anything it's that behaving like you've won the lottery is enough to convince the fraught lady behind the counter of the corner shop to empty the till into your cupped hands even if what you're touting as justification is a piece of used toilet paper. Behave confidently, approach your target with a smile and drop the paperwork on his desk announcing that it's what he agreed to earlier.

Hint At Greater Things To Come

Nothing gives hope to the dumpee more than the prospect of one day being the dumper. Indicate that upper management have their eye on a number of people in the department but Barry, Kelly (anyone) is currently out in front due to his / her incomparable work ethic. This is, incidentally, the same technique used by democratic nations to keep the proletariat from garotting the upper classes with their own Windsor knots.

#management subversion #work avoidance #being a lowdown sneaky no-good bastard

Graffiti Corner: This week - unintentional obituary for a cult Disney franchise

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #tron #king robbo

Efficiency Savings - Email Is Not IM

Despite the continued efforts of almost 99% of the Internet aware people on the planet (which is to say, 99% of people on the planet) to prove otherwise email is not, and never will be, IM. If you need an answer to something, and you need it quick, and it's important, then tapping out an email, clicking send, pushing back on your chair and pacing rapidly back and forth, eyes fixated on the monitor, until you receive a reply is not the way to go about it. Flagging said email as URGENT and highlighting the pertinent sections in 42pt red won't be of any use either because if the recipient has more than an ounce of functioning grey matter he'll make you wait a day extra for daring to do so.

At least, that's what we do.

Email has its place in the world of electronic communication, and that place is for the dissemination of time insensitive data. More specifically; questions; FYIs; company-wide announcements and the chain letter promising something special should you decide to torment exactly seven of your friends with it that don't require any action on the part of the recipient for at least one whole entire day. That's right. No last minute meetings, four hour deadlines or trivial reports that needed to be written and presented last Tuesday. If you need someone's help that badly they deserve to hear the sincerity in your voice. In this way you avoid a hike in your own stress level waiting for a response and a hike in their stress level because of the phone call you'll inevitably make where, after 30 seconds or so of pleasantries, you'll insult their intelligence by asking if they've read your email (when want you're really asking is 'Why the hell haven't you replied?! Didn't you see it was flagged as URGENT?!').

Do yourself a favour. If you happen to be coasting through an otherwise normal Thursday and, on glancing floorward, notice your trousers are ablaze don't send an URGENT email to your buddy in Accounting asking for a glass of water and wait for him to come running, pick up the God-damned phone. If he doesn't answer, and if you can't make it to his desk before losing your thigh hair, take it as a lesson learned and sit closer to the fire extinguisher next time.

#efficiency savings #email #instant messaging #time management

Graffiti Corner: This week - 24 hour party people

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #24 hour party people #silhouettes #medallions

Serenity Now - Not Talking Shop

Working in an open plan office leaves you open to attack from all sides. Without physical barriers to impede them colleagues will willingly sidle up to your desk and begin to yammer at you about all manner of subjects. At first you'll resist, politely explaining that you're in the middle of something or simply backing away while nodding and smiling before making a break for the toilet once you're out of earshot, but studies have shown that such resolve weakens with time and it won't be long before you're conditioned to chuckle obligingly about the shortcomings of laminate flooring or appear enthralled by stories of trips to the local garden centre. Eventually you'll be such a shadow of your former self you'll be unable to sleep on Sunday night for the excitement of knowing it's just a few short hours before you can ask the guy who sits opposite about his weekend and then wait, trembling with anticipation, for him to ask you about yours.

By far the most frustrating PSI (Personal Space Intruder) is the guy who wants to ask you about something he just read in a newspaper / heard on the radio / saw on TV that relates to your field. Managers are often guilty of this as it's an easy-in to a conversation with the workforce, something they're compelled to do as without regular walkarounds they're just the guys who get paid more than everyone else to sit at a bigger desk in their own room playing Stick Cricket all day. If you're on the receiving end of a question like this it can often feel like the person asking it is testing the limit of your knowledge so he can walk away pleased that he knows more about whatever the hell it is you do than you do. In other words, it's a form of workplace negging. Yes, negging. If you work in IT the situation can be even worse as not only do people feel it's entirely appropriate to plague you with their home computer questions because you once sat next to them at the Christmas party but there's always at least one guy who considers himself an enthusiast because he subscribes to PC Pro magazine. This is the kind of person who will think nothing of dancing toward you, keen as a spring lamb, to ask 'Hey, Jimmy, do you think it's worth me holding off buying a new computer until Intel ship their new Sandy Bridge CPUs? Just thinking about a 64-byte cache line width makes my trousers damp!' before standing with a look of smug satisfaction on his face waiting to see if you have any idea what he's talking about. The rules of polite society prevent you from administering a black eye with your keyboard, but fighting fire with fire is really the only way out of this situation. If, for example, your PSI happens to be an accountant make a habit of stalking his desk before the tax deadline in the New Year. Carry with you an enormous stack of paper (a spread sheet populated with random numbers will suffice) and pause in his eye line for a minute or two. Leaf through the stack looking confused. When you feel like you have his attention march forward, dump the stack authoritatively on his desk and announce that you knew he wouldn't mind helping you with your tax return. Slap him heartily on the back and let him know he can call you after lunch. With any luck you'll never hear from him again.

#serenity now #question skirting #doing the right thing

Graffiti Corner: This week - pasta shape of DOOM

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #tinned pasta #durum wheat swirls

Serenity Now - Overused Words (Part 1 of Many)

Getting trapped in a dead-end conversation in the office can be debilitating enough. There you were, happily declining a recent set of meeting requests, when all of a sudden someone decides to test your commitment to pacifism by giving you their take on current affairs, the new TV they've just bought or, heaven forbid, something cute their kid did yesterday at the dinner table. If your opponent happens to be the sort of person who twitches with excitement at the sound of their own voice and relishes padding out their rhetoric with some of the most overworked words in the English language then so much the worse. Because at that point you're not even listening any more, you're simmering with rage. To promote harmony in the workplace we present part 1 of the list of words you should strive to strike from your vocabulary.

Random

Its popularity has waned in recent years but in the heady days of 2006 you couldn't turn on the TV, the radio or hurry past a group of pubescent children outside a convenience store without hearing someone describe something in approving terms as 'random'. If you or something you loved was random it was immediately elevated to a higher status. Anointing someone or something as random became the de facto way of distancing them from the more ordinary aspects of human existence. Random became aspirational. Friends who had previously been content to meet in the same bar, drink the same drinks and have the same conversations were swept up in a movement to become random. They found themselves taking trains to places they'd never heard of to stand in pubs frequented by people they detested while pretending to enjoy alcopops. This was all the more surprising when you consider that 75% of the population describing itself as random is one of the better definitions of irony.

Obviously

Riding high for the last ten years and showing no sign of stopping, dropping obviously into the mix every other breath is a sure-fire way to earn the respect of people you shouldn't be listening to. Obviously is used principally to insure oneself against ridicule in the act of saying something which would otherwise leave people gaping slack-jawed in astonishment at your stupidity:

'You'll need to open that door before you can walk through it, obviously.'

'Obviously there's a cost involved in buying the product.'

Is everything really quite so obvious? And if it is, should we be spending so much time talking about it?

Blah Blah Blah

The English equivalent of Yadda Yadda Yadda, Blah Blah Blah is used when you're compelled to talk but have nothing of value to say. See also:

'... and all the rest.'

'... and so on and so forth.'

'... whatever whatever.'

#overused words #serenity now #obviously #random #blah blah blah

Graffiti Corner: This week - Jesus with eye-shadow!

#the odd photograph #graffiti corner #jesus #eye-shadow

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