lots of things going on in the world right now including a possible WWIII that genZers are tiktokking about... in an existential way and an awful apocalyptic fire in Australia. yet another year of crazy president at the helm of this country, some of whose actions i actually would condone.
as always, i’m here, in brooklyn, feeling a bit ambivalent and conflicted about many things, wanting many seemingly opposite things all at once, not quite satisfied with my life....
currently at the Market at The Ashland, our go-to reliable work spot in our hood. 2020 has been good. in the 5 days of 2020 i’ve already...
watched 3 movies (Little Women, Glengarry Glen Ross (fell asleep), Knives Out ** amazing)
gone seeing 2 cars (both Subarus)
dined at The Simone, Di Fara
stayed at the Mr. C by Seaport hotel for the NYE > NY day (loved anderson <3 )
worked out (running or tennis) everyday
organized the freezer (thanks muji containers)
bought a new computer for MY NEW VENTURE (ak venture)
feel better about this new year and decade
very thankful for my hubs
career change and progress (clarifai > dataminr)
intro to self-pampering: spa, masks, mani pedis, diamonds...!
tennis! lots of tennis. playing and attending the US open
trips: Spain, India, London, lots of west coast trips for friends and fam
friendship: beginning of the dragon ladies
return of the mangos... japanese culture and cuisine (soba, sushi)
end to the 19-year old immigration journey.. homegirl is an american citizen now!
did 0 finances. wow. careless spending and lots of stress shopping that i’m not proud of but whatever i earned it
was the year of “making it”... personally, and professionally. so what is next?! getting the boredom jitters. (lol)
realizing that this industry tech, like finance, isn’t quite it for me. even though i’m afraid of letting go... because it feels like there is a lot to lose. i’ve worked! so! hard! but it’s really the last 5 years max. which is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. really, we don’t have a lot of dependencies. and being a wife isn’t actually imposing me with any more duties and responsibilities than what is in my head...
... realizing that really the only thing holding me back from going after what i *actually, really, want* is myself. there is no one stopping me. no environmental factors at play here.
... realizing that i’ve become really risk averse. when my life was a risk, i was able to be a lot more ballsy. and take chances. and be sneaky. and have that edge. after having found my stability, my ground, i’ve become very settled. i’ve been holding onto my stability so dearly because it exemplifies everything i’ve been striving towards. THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE FINISH LINE! i’ve got a great husband, good career that people are trying so hard to get, nice cozy home, savings account that’s growing, enough disposable income to afford occasional travels upstate and internationally, shopping splurges, and mom’s 1 bedroom apartment in NJ.
... realizing that i can no longer call my conundrums as quarter-life crisis anymore, because i probably won’t live to 120, and even a third-life is a stretch because my life from 60 to 90 will be a bit different.
life. lots and lots of life. intentionally taking risks because i want to. returning to myself with that edge because hell why not?? fully embracing me as who i actually am and who i actually want to be. asking myself, what do i want in life?!
...realizing that i’ve never really asked this question to myself, seriously, before. when life is a blank space, what will i choose to do? even if i dont know, i’ll keep on asking...
... embracing that yes i am tired, and yes, i’m no longer 15 year old with so much angst and energy, but i’m wiser, more beautiful, smarter, and still full of zeal for all that life has to offer. so i will take my breaks, cocoon up in my room reading mangos but that is not to be ashamed of, because that is actually a part of me.
2020 will be the year of...
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
by Mary Oliver
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world
if a list should exist... for 2020
because yes i’m a list person
progress towards circumnavigation in the 30s -- buy a boat, join a bluewater crossing trip
live without weekday vs. weekends -- wake up at 6AM and then workout every morning, rain or shine, weekday or weekend
hotel staycation every quarter
run 1 race abroad (germany or scandinavia? greenland?)
finances to support the empire
quarterly wine school nights
titsay
izzy806
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
areudirty
prguitarman