if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.
Edit: If everyone could please take a minute and think about what it must feel like to be struggling and then have multiple strangers say to your face that they find the prospect of going through what you're going through so horrifying that they'd rather kill themselves and then stop leaving comments like that I would greatly appreciate it.
My first ever attempt at a comic bc it truly felt like the most powerful way to depict this. Additional commentary under the cut
First of all- this is not an invitation to take any sort of action about my safety without my consent. To do so would completely miss the point of the art I’ve just put my heart and soul into. If you’re concerned about me, check on me directly. This is truly just me wanting to be heard. Anyway
I named the comic this because when the GPS robot voice says “starting route to home,” I am overwhelmed with emotion. I’m rarely at my literal home theses days, and I don’t know what to expect from a future home. I feel like I’m constantly, and somehow never, “starting route to home.”
The bridge at the beginning connects my current two homes; my hometown and college campus. I keep hearing that they’re going to close the bridge for construction for several years, meaning I’ll have to take a scarier way home. (And yes, I deal with some difficult thoughts about the bridge. Yes I’m safe)
The parking garage is downtown where I’m planning to move soon. The swirly ramp lights up at night. I almost included a frame of a picture I took in the garage elevator, of a sign saying that the roof was closed for construction. I felt it was a bit too on the nose, as I purposely avoid seeing the roof.
The red car pictured throughout is mine, its name is Winston. I bought it used after a severe crash totaled my first car two months after I started driving independently. Winston has had a dent on the front since before I got it, and I always wonder what happened. That dent is the reason I could afford the car
The picture of my deceased friend Josh is displayed in my car as a reminder to drive with him in mind. He died in a car crash at 19
I got the “be safe” tattoo on the 11 year anniversary of meeting him
The screenshot of a song is really the song I believe I almost died to. I don’t remember what part of the song was playing during the crash, but I remember the end of the song blaring from my car as I escaped the wreckage.
The State Champs concert panel is my favorite panel in the comic. It’s the one I had to take breaks from drawing bc it hit hard. Driving myself to concerts is what wanting to live rly looks like to me
The timestamps in the GPS route panel are Josh’s birth and death dates. The route I drew is from my school to Baltimore. This is a route I drive for concerts + I’ve entertained the idea of living there someday. I almost drew the route between the North Carolina towns Josh and I lived in as children, but that felt too certain; I know where we lived. I don’t know where I’m going to be in a few years
My mom, best friend, and partner tend to be the first few people I text after a long drive. I try to do this quickly bc I know what it feels like to never get the “home safe” text. The timestamps on the messages are their birthdays. The additional messages are meant to convey that I have many more loved ones, *and* that I can’t keep up with my life
The Bratz keychain is one of the newest additions to a lifelong collection of Bratz items. Also pictured in this panel is my first tattoo, also for Josh.
The color scheme I used throughout is Josh’s favorite, and I always notice it at traffic lights.
Regarding the “ice on the road” panel: This is a metaphor pls for the love of god does anyone hear me. It’s also quite literal in regards to driving tho. Get off my ass
The warning lights I chose to highlight are ones that seemed closest to how I feel mentally in winter
I wrote the words to this comic in a parking lot on the way back from Dan and Phil in November. That drive felt exactly like what the comic describes, and the ideas developed so clearly that I had to create something about it immediately. I didn’t get to draw it until January but have re-read it every day
“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of. You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
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