It has taken 8 months but I’ve finally figured out the main reason I was so fucked up by you. I felt safe with you, secure, I trusted you. That was all shattered in a second by you, by your anger, your unwillingness to talk, in that instant you proved it was all a lie, that you never really cared or at least not nearly as much as I did.
I didn’t eat for the first month, my hands shook constantly, I couldn’t sit still, I didn’t know what I did wrong, I’d thought I’d failed you somewhere & that that’s why you chose another. All I could ever think was that I didn’t go as sexual with you as they did but I know that can’t be the only reason you chose them. I don’t remember if I ever told you why I didn’t do that but it doesn’t matter now.
I was never going to be happy you chose them over me but that isn’t what hit me so hard. What fucked me up was someone I loved, someone who had meaning, a great deal of it, to me, shut me out of her life. No explanation, no reason, just a bout of anger then silence. So here I am 8 months later still asking what made you mad? What phrase, what word that I sent, what was it that caused that & why, why couldn’t you just speak to me, settle it all a few days later after we’d both had time to think a bit?
“in this terrifying world you continuously have the power to offer someone else a little relief . why would you withhold that. do you remember what a little relief feels like? it feels like a lot” you posted this once so guessing you get the feeling, it’s the same thing I’ve been asking for since August. Relief, answers, reason, not silence, not anger.
Unfortunately part of me still loves you, you’re always going to mean something to me & I have to live with that now. It’d be easier to get mad & hate you, like you probably do me, I can’t tho, idk how, I’ve tried but I can only ever bring myself to hate your actions, Them & for a time even myself.
If you genuinely believe they’re your future, fine, treat them better than me, I know you are rn but when things get hard, don’t be a fucking baby & get mad, don’t fall silent because emotions are difficult, be better to them than you were to me, don’t reduce another relationship to Ash.
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