A few of the mods of this blog have been talking, and weâve been becoming increasingly concerned about a trend that weâve all noticed in the DID community here. Weâve tried to address it in the past, but we feel that itâs important that we try again and acknowledge that itâs much bigger than we communicated before.
What systems need to understand is that it isnât healthy for anyone to allow their life to revolve around or significantly focus on their alters and / or inner world. Itâs one thing to work extensively with alters in order to try to stabilize and heal. Similarly, if a small group of alters works together to manage daily life, of course this requires some degree of internal interaction. What concerns us is seeing that many people in this community act like internal happenings are just as or more important than external events and responsibilities, like internal relationships are just as or more important than external relationships, or like having DID is one of the most important things about someone.
Itâs important to get along with your alters. Itâs important for every alter to feel respected and heard. Itâs important for alters to feel safe and content because your alters are part of you (or, to be more accurate, your alters and you are part of the same overarching system). Your alters need to be doing well for you as a whole to be doing well. Their physical, emotional, and intellectual needs are no less or more important than yours or any other altersâ.
What isnât healthy is focusing on altersâ surface needs at the expense of working on what the system as a whole needs. For example, while child alters can feel more safe and accepted when theyâre given toys and allowed to play, itâs the safety and acceptance that they really need. Giving child alters safe play time can help them to reach a realization of safety, but the toys and play time alone arenât sufficient. Child alters arenât literal kids that youâve been tasked with babysitting. They, like every other part of you, were created and shaped by trauma, and they arenât uniquely immune to its effects. What they need most is for you as a system to heal.
You may not be ready to face your trauma now. Instead, you can start with making sure that your external environment is safe. You can work on symptoms of other mental health conditions that you have. You can find and practice healthier coping mechanisms. You can learn what healthy relationships look like. You can learn to ground yourself when youâre dissociated and even to prevent yourself from dissociating. What you cannot and should not try to do is focus on exploring your system and alters indefinitely at the expense of working towards actual progress. Learning that your child alters feel safer when they have a stuffed animal to hug can be a great realization! Spending days, weeks, months, or longer trying to learn all of your alters unique preferences, however, is a distraction.
It is not healthy to focus on altersâ desires at the expense of external life. While giving alters time to do what they enjoy can help the system to internalize that every part matters, this shouldnât interfere with academics, your job, or your goals in life. Just as self care is important, giving alters some time to themselves can make for a more stable and happier system. However, just as self care shouldnât become an excuse to never try to get anything done, making your alters happy shouldnât become the same. Alters documenting their existence on Tumblr isnât more worthwhile than meeting up with friends, going somewhere fun, or learning a new skill. Giving alters time out isnât a more pressing issue than getting your homework done, making sure that you understand what you need to do for your job, volunteering, working on a personal project, or doing something else meaningful or fulfilling.
Similarly, relationships with alters should not take precedent over external relationships. While, again, itâs important for all alters to get along, you shouldnât prioritize alters dating each other or being friends with each other over looking for, forming, and supporting external friendships, romantic and / or sexual relationships, and general connections. Keeping to yourself because you have your alters for company is not the same as meeting someone new or reaching out to old acquaintances. External loved ones can introduce you to new ideas, teach you new things, support you through hard times, and help you to grow as a person in ways that alters, as part of you, canât. External loved ones should never make you feel bad about having alters or try to turn any of your alters against each other, but you in turn should try not to neglect them in favor of focusing on symbolic relationships between your alters.
What happens in your internal world will never be a good replacement for external life. Focusing on the jobs that alters have can never be as fulfilling as succeeding academically or in a job of your own. Internal families, partnerships, and friends can never be as fulfilling as finding or making your own family, partner(s), and friends. It may be difficult for you to achieve what you want to externally right now, and thatâs okay! If spending time thinking about your internal world helps you to feel calmer, more confident, or more prepared to deal with your actual life, that can be okay. However, you need to be very careful that your internal world doesnât become a crutch. Remember, distraction can be a coping mechanism, but if taken too far, itâs just another pathological response thatâs standing between you and healing.
Another concern is that by focusing too much on your alters and how they feel like separate individuals, you can lose sight of how you all fit together. It can be harder to heal from trauma if you canât acknowledge that it happened to you, all of you, and not just to specific alters. It can be harder to learn to handle triggers, face your fears, or respond appropriately to other intense situations and emotions if you always lean on specific alters to do so. It can be harder to rely on your abilities if you believe that only specific alters can accomplish your goals. It can be harder to really grasp and work towards your potential if you never acknowledge that your altersâ strengths belong to the system as a whole even if you canât all access those strengths evenly right now.
Thereâs also the risk of getting so caught up in altersâ presentations that you give them more weight than the systemâs reality. For example, an alterâs age cannot determine what age individuals the system should be with; an alter that presents as a minor in an adult system cannot be romantically or sexually involved with actual minors, just as an alter that presents as an adult in an underage system cannot be romantically or sexually involved with actual adults. An alter presenting as a certain race or ethnicity does not truly understand what itâs like to actually be a member of that racial or ethnic group. An alter presenting as disabled or with conversion disorder does not truly understand what itâs like to actually be permanently disabled in that way. An alter being a doctor or therapist internally does not give the system the medical or professional knowledge and experience of a doctor or therapist. Altersâ internal realities are never as concrete as external reality.
Finally, thereâs all of the issues inherent in making a disorder a key part of your identity. Remember that you as a person have so much more going for you than what internal world jobs or abilities your alters have. Youâre worth so much more than a list of alter names and associated traits. Thereâs so much more thatâs interesting about you than that you have DID, how many alters that you have, or how your alters present. Some people might struggle with internalizing this, and thatâs okay. Even if youâre one of those people, working towards understanding yourself as a whole is worthwhile. Like everything else here, it may take time, effort, and a large change in how you view and understand your system and DID as a whole, but itâs so much healthier in the long run, and every little bit of progress counts.
To reiterate and to make sure that this is absolutely clear, working with your alters is important for healing! Itâs okay to acknowledge that your alters can be different from you in important ways. Itâs okay for alters to want to spend time doing things that they enjoy, working towards their own interests and passions, or forming their own relationships. Itâs okay to not be sure yet what your systemâs overall goals, talents, or traits are. Itâs okay for several alters to be important parts of your daily life and to have no intention of changing that. Where the line needs to be drawn is allowing your DID, your mental illness, to overshadow your external life. While it may feel comforting now, itâs overall limiting, and you deserve better than that.
-Katherine of Those Interrupted
(Note: I used âDIDâ throughout this post because OSDD-1 systems donât seem to have this problem as often. However, this post can apply to all systems.)
