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i have an insanely good massage therapist- it is less about relaxing and more about the body work. anyways, the right side of my neck triggers this instinctual desire to think about all the shit I have to do, incredibly task oriented/not fun. Left side is super loose in comparison and I can be fully present. At one point it literally felt like being in two divided bodies at the same time, and I was weird and imbalanced. Anyways, this whole physical health shit is so fun. I’m learning a lot about myself

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happiness. i do not look for it but it shows up when it wants to, I laugh hysterically while walking down the sidewalk as my friends send messages of pure love and enthusiasm through my phone.

I do not worry about the sky turning red, and the people suffering. I do not worry about the world ending. Let me laugh. Let me find heaven in a tomato.

[8x2armpit]

call me superstitious but i just had my first encounter with an artifact that I love but, somehow has a bad feeling attached to it. it’s been a few days and my house feels off, I got sick, I’m on the verge of tears for some personal reasons. I’m gonna put it outside haha

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coffee

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health insurance got denied today but they’re wrong so hopefully it’ll work itself out. I feel weak from the lack of support I feel in general, even though the people in my life are kind and generous, doesn’t feel like there’s enough to go around.

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eye keeps twitching and not sure exactly what i’m stressed out about. It’s probably money though.

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an update on my very mediocre thoughts and actions this week:

oil pulling really works. i wish it didn’t cause i hate the idea of oil in my mouth but my teeth feel so clean. the toothpaste and the oil emulsify or something and it looks like soap. incredible stuff.

I mended a good pile of clothes that had been sitting in my closet for months. Big success.

I’ve decided to use sleeping bags as insulation for my van. I’m going to put a bunch of Irish spring everywhere and pray that no rats will be my neighbors. I’ve also decided that metal fencing sandwiched underneath Kilmat will seal all the large holes in hopes of deterring rodents further. The van build is taking a million years but every design choice has been entirely my own and I am super proud of the weird ass solutions I’ve come up with.

I probably qualify for state health insurance!

There’s a spider living in my sink. Every time I take the spider out a different one moves in. I can tell they’re different cause they look nothing alike.

The neighbor’s cat is so needy and cries a lot. I wish I could go pet him he’s SO cute.

If I stopped thinking about the world ending I would be happier. This is my solution because turns out I do nothing either way. I’m trying to prefer being guilty over being miserable.

I don’t know anything about anything and i’m pretending that i’m figuring it out.

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same spot 1 month apart

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going and going, at a snails pace: )

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I found a hag stone on a secret beach and lived a real summer day. mission accomplished.

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i think it’s lame that one of the things i crave most is having stability, but it is so important for me to feel safe. spontaneity is always good for me but also feels forced, and for me to really have faith and trust in myself i need to know that I have a stable home, and will not be left out in the cold. Just feeling like I can rely on that gives me way more opportunity to take risks and express myself.

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getting nightmares about not texting people back cuz i’m too pure but also way too tired and broke to be making plans. I need to be reevaluating.

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crazy that it’s common knowledge amongst my friends that donating plasma is a good solution for being completely broke. having no money is lonely, you can’t go most places or do much. i’m sad and discouraged haha

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artists are encouraged to show themselves online in order to work with algorithmic standards, essentially using their faces as bait so that someone would pay attention to them. Self exploitation or personification reels in more fish that are not interested in your actual work, and potentially distorts your message. In my opinion an equal amount of good and bad attention will never be worth it to me (not to mention the lack of privacy it normalizes).

After having a business that is growing at a healthy pace and relatively successful for two years, I can confidently say this was the right decision for me because I not only do not have to sort through real and fake inquiries, the people I connect with are there for the right reason.

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take the blessing

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Mono lake has been a bucket list item since seeing pictures of it on tumblr as a teenager<3 The impression this app has made on me is insane when I really think about it.

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picture of my mom at my grandma’s house