A Maya

A personal account. Maya is not my legal name but I would prefer if anyone viewing referred to me as such. Thank you.

[a-3-maya]

Greetings. Im Maya (Pronounced 'my-ah') I don't really have any preference for pronouns, so refer to me however you'd like.

This is my second blog, and will be primarily focused on more personal topics. Obviously nothing too private, but yeah.

I'll post art here occasionally as well, Im sure. But dont expect much of it.

I have two tags that I plan on using.

#a penny for maya thoughts :random thoughts I have that I felt the need to post here.

#a mine-a :Oc posting, either art or text.

I have my ask box open. So ask me things if you wish. -3-

[a-3-maya]

It has been a while.

Since my last post, a fair bit has changed. Mainly in how I perceive myself. Im still... unhappy with my body, but thankfully its not active hate and is now just a vague discomfort.

Which tends to go away when I wear... the new clothes I bought. A skirt, long socks and nice boots. I can even bare to look at my face when Im wearing them. Even though that doesnt make sense...

Unfortunately, I cannot wear these clothes I love in public on account of me not being out just yet. But for the time being, wearing them in private is... enough.

At least I know that I do enjoy these kinds of clothes, and it wasn't just a made up memory of me wearing one of those Disney princess dresses at a friend's house when I was younger.

[a-3-maya]

Im so useless. Sorry.

I've been a bit upset for the past few days. Over... I dont even know, at this point. Partly because of my gender, and how I present myself. Partly because of some asshole that lives in my house.

Its stupid. I had the opportunity to talk to a friend about it, because he asked me if I was doing alright. And I said I was fine. Like an idiot.

Im not fine. I dont think so, anyway. I hate that some of the assholes from my secondary went to the same college as me. It means I cant completely cut myself off from that period, because I'll always have to deal with at least one of them irl. One of those assholes.

Fuck. Fuckfuckingfuckfuck.

Im sorry I lied about how I was doing. It was dumb. I hate that I do that.

Sorry. Fuck. Why am i putting this online. I guess no one looks at this. Im not gonna put tags to make sure that continues to be the case. Except my own tags. I dont even know why anymore.

[a-3-maya]

Drawing is so fun. I spent the bones of 5 hours just... drawing my redesigned sona. And it was great.

It also has me thinking a lot about gender... I still don't really know where I am with that, if Im being honest. Id like to present more feminine, but. Well. My family is... a mixed bag, when it comes to accepting things like deviating from gender norms.

Still... I think I do prefer... feminine terms? I suppose that includes pronouns, too, but I still dont mind if anyone referes to me differently.

I wonder about my name, too. My real name. Not my nickname. Should I ask anyone to call me Maya? Most people call me by a nickname entirely unrelated to my given name, anyway.

And I dont hate that. So. I dont know. I dont know if Id prefer bing called Maya, or if I just dont want to be referred to by my given name. (Which is already the case, most of the time)

Why does this have to be so complicated? I dont understand this. Am I just lying to myself? I dont know. I dont know.

Sorry. I dont know why I'm apologising, but sorry anyway.

[a-3-maya]

My profile will be getting a visual update soon, on account of me redesigning my sona. She's going to retain a lot of the main design elements, just with a more interesting theme.

I dont have a coloured version done, so this may not be apparent, but she's a bundle of loose nerves, wrapped together to form a humanoid shape.

She is me. I am her. I dont know what I am, except for that.

[a-3-maya]

Sorry about my last post. I just. Ugh.

I cant help but imagine what my life would be like if I was born as the opposite sex. Obviously there'd be. New problems Id have to deal with. But...

Ugh. I dont even know what Im doing anymore. Im just saying things for the sake of it. I dont want anyone to care. I already care too much.

I dont know. I dont. I keep thinking about these things, but im never going to put them into effect publicly. Because my family is weird and my town is weird and I just fucking can't.

I wanna wear cool clothes and have a nicer voice and nicer hair and I just cant because.

Ugh.

[a-3-maya]

Im so miserable right now. I hate people. So much. They're awful and inconsiderate and they care about shit that simply. Does. Not. Matter.

Not my friends. They're different, because they're better. They're nicer. Kinder. I care for them.

I cant hate anyone. Because hate always feels like too strong an emotion. But I fucking.

Sorry.

[a-3-maya]

It has been a while.

The group project I spoke of in my previous post went. Fine. We didnt get into the competition proper, but we were apparently quite close. So thats nice.

At least now, I can split of and work ob my own thing, instead. I have *ideas*. Maybe ill post them here.

I suppose thats all for now... I'll post more soon, im sure. See you soon.

[a-3-maya]

Say it with me now... we hate group projects!

Once again, I'm gonna rant about this, because holy fuck this guy is pissing me off.

So basically, for the project, we have four different presentations we have to do over the span of 4 weeks, basically to show off the progress we've made. The first one is in like, two days. Which would be fine.

But. This dumb fukc has done NOTHING, over the entire weekend. He added like. One mechanic. To a project I sent him as a base line. Then he added it to a github I don't have fucking permissions in. So me, not knowing the stuff I add isn't actually getting pushed to the online reposistory, do my thing. I add all the tile sprites, mess around with the player so that it works well, etc, etc. Then I commit the files (not knowing that it ain't actually doing that.)

I notify the group of this, and he says he'll add something he was working on after I finish.

Now, take a wild guess as to whether or nor he actually ended up doing that.

... NO! He did not! Shocker.

I actually can't fucking stand this guy. Acting like this isn't worth fifty percent of our damn grade. Not just his grade, but also my grade. I swear too fuck, if he comes up with the same excuse he did last week as to why he hasn't done anything-

(yes, he did something similar last week. I laughed it off then, because we still had a full week to get a functioning level)

-I'm actually going to do my very best to go solo. It's unlikely that'll be possible this late, but. Hey. I actually don't give a shit anymore.

[a-3-maya]

I love my friends. Theyre soo cool.

Oh my goodness, my friends are so cool. Everyone ive met in college has been so nice and cool and just... not assholes?

School sucked for me. Not as bad as it could have, but I certainly wouldn't go back there if given the option. College tho? As long as I can hang out with my friends, id keep going forever.

But that's not something I can do obviously, so I'll have to settle with just. Keeping in contact with them no matter what.

Shouldn't be too hard. Right?

[a-3-maya]

Group Projects kinda suck

Yeah. That's basically it. I hate relying on people I don't 100% trust, and I hate being relied on in general.

I got an assignment at the start of my second semester to make a game. We had the option to d oit in groups, or solo. Some guy I knew from school immediately nodded at me. Like. I was already in a group.

And again, I'm shit at saying no. But beyond that, I hadn't even had enough time to think of a real idea before he basically kidnapped me(not really)

In retrospect. Yeah. I have an idea I'm really fond of. One that would not only be considerably easier to implement, but I think it could be more fun, too. He literally just came up with something that, while admitedly pretty cool in concept, is clearly going to be hell to implement.

But that's with hindsight in mind. I can't leave now, because I've already made assets, and we already showed off the start of the project. Fuck my dumb ass brain. Why do I still hang around with people I don't like.

[a-3-maya]

Oh. Do I want a different name?

I'm kinda... unsure about this, so bare with me. But yeah, IDK how I feel about my given name. As mentioned in one of my previous posts, I don't actively hate it, but... Eh? I have no attachement to it. No one really calls me by it.

But the name they do call me by is not. A real name, obviously. It's a nickname. Kinda.

Most, if not all of my friends call me by a username I use for... pretty much everything online(except this blog, ofc). I don't even know why, really. I guess it just stuck. And that's fine. It's more interesting than my given name, at least.

But... hmm. Maya is a really nice name. One I like a lot. And I certainly wouldn't mind being called Maya instead of my given name. Or even my 'nickname'. I dunno.

[a-3-maya]

Maya Artwork

Hello. This is a character sheet(?) for Maya, my sona. They're a spool of thread given life. And they like wearing cute things when she gets the chance.

She is, essentially just. Me. Obviously not appearence wise, but. They share my wants, thoughts, opinions and feelings.

[a-3-maya]

Saying no is. Kinda hard.

Wow. I really gotta learn to tell people to fuck off. Or just... say no.

College is great. I love all the friends I've made, because holy hell they're so nice? And not rude for no reason? Or bigoted? What?

But of course, a few people from the hell that was my school went to the same college as me. And of course, one of them went into the same course as me.

I fucking can't with these people. With the sole exception of two, everyone that was in my school that is now in college with me fucking sucks. They think I'm their friend, and talk shit about my actual friends. In front of me. (literally, one of them asked me what my friends deadname was. A person he has never and will never interact with. Fucking gross. I don't even know my friends deadname. Nor do I want to. Nor would I ever tell that disgusting weirdo. I hate transphobes.)

It sucks.

But of course. I can't get rid of them, because I'm too fucking useless to stand up for the people I actually care for. Fuck my pathetic ass brain. I feel horrible.

Just. Tell them to fuck off! Please! Time travel cannot be invented soon enough. I would not associate with pretty much anyone I did when in school, were I to get a second chance.

[a-3-maya]

Sometimes I wonder about. Gender. My gender, to be specific.

Like... I can't say I particularly care about what pronouns people use to refer to me? Most people I meet irl use the same ones anyway. I say I have no preference to anyone who asks.

But at the same time, I can't help but feel a bit. Happy? When someone uses pronouns that are different from what i normally hear. Its odd. Maybe I do prefer some pronouns over others, then?

Hmm. Im really not sure.

Thats not even mentioning my name. Funny thing is, most people refer to me as a username I use for... practically everything.

No one im actually friends with uses my legal name. And I... can't say I mind. Honestly I prefer it a little.

Not to say I hate my given name, by any means, but... It would have been nice to pick one myself? I suppose I can still do that, but...

Hmm. I'd pick Maya. I think its neat.

[a-3-maya]

Clothes are cool. Wish I had better ones

Hmm. I really wish I had more interesting clothes.

Like. Alt? I think that's the term I'm thinking of. But of course, almost my entire family thinks I'm cishet. And I really dont want to deal with them knowing that isn't the case.

Because while I don't think clothes are gendered... Well. They obviously do.Because of course.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't at least try to get accomodation for college. It would certainly allow me to... actually wear fun things, instead of. What I do now. (I swear I get the same basic stuff every time, just recoloured. Literally.)

But then my brain tells me I'm an idiot, and none of the things I think look cool would work. And then I just get annoyed all over again.

Ugh. Gender norms fucking suck. Or maybe its just my brain caring too much about what other people think. I... dont know.