You’re begging to leave and I can’t let you go. Perhaps I’m the toxic one. Because I will cry that you didn’t tell me the truth but I chose to not listen when you told me you couldn’t be with me, When you told me I was too much, when you told me that you did not love me anymore, when you screamed that you were leaving. I still begged you to take it back and I begged you to love me. I begged you to stay and this never ending cycle repeats once more. So maybe I am the toxic one even though I am the one in excruciating pain because I can’t let go nor forgive. I can’t be free from what you did to me. I can’t be comfortable with or without you. I can’t breathe the same way as I used to because every inhale is just a wish to get closer to never having to do so again. And every exhale is my wish being granted but I miss you. I miss how happy we used to be. I miss how you once helped me get over this addiction. I miss how you once calmed the voices and the bad dreams. And I miss how I thought you loved me. I miss the you that was before you did what you did to me. And I miss the me I was before I met you. I miss being broken and damaged alone. I miss not having to carry the weight of two burdens on my shoulders. I would go back to cigarettes, cutting, starving and everything else to just not feel this pain that I am stuck feeling. But I still miss you.
