Love Until Lost

She/They/He* | 21 | brain full of worms

[a-rose-oc]

About Me!

~

Hey gang! I'm Rose, and this is my profile! I use she/they/he* pronouns and I'm 21. I mainly use this blog to scroll on stuff and share poetry and sometimes other stuff, but I thought I'd make this to help y'all know me better!

Likes:

Video games

Psychology

Astronomy

Magic: The Gathering

Arcane

Bee and Puppycat

The Owl House

She-Ra

D&D

Music

Jewelry making

Technical theatre

Musicals

Dislikes:

Idk man, bigots?

I hope to see y'all around! 💜

[a-rose-oc]

Death comes in many forms, yet I feel on the brink of countless amounts of them. The slightest movement will send me down the path of one, than another, than another.

Don’t move. Don’t shift. Don’t breathe. Don’t exist. Any input will lead to an output of catastrophe and an avalanche of tragedy unknown to my being.

[a-rose-oc]

Never enough, never right, never correct, never smart, never aware, never cognizant, never getting it.

Screams echo through the cavern that is my soul. The words of those long forgotten still remain, still pounding on my existence.

Slowly cracking and falling apart with no semblance of repairability. After each reconstruction a small part is forgotten, a piece is lost to the ether. Each bit gone leaves more to be needed, more to be wanted, more to be considered enough.

Shattering of bone due to an unstoppable force. Shades of red dripping down my being, nobody is there anymore.

[a-rose-oc]

I wonder how it feels to become nothing. I want to know the feeling of being entirely forgotten, every memory of you being lost to time, finally becoming one with the billions of years before you, also a distant memory.

Why must I be remembered? Allow me to return to star dust and heat, nothing more than molecules.

I wonder what color my soul emits. I want to become one with wavelengths unknown to the body I reside in, not measured by my consciousness but by amplitude and frequency.

Allow me to return to stardust, become one with the generations and half lives before me. Maybe then I will finally be at peace with myself.

[a-rose-oc]

I don’t think that I was meant to live. Berating myself for doing things that make me happy whilst being too weak to do the things I need. I am constantly paralyzed by my own indecision, bound by my incomprehensible behaviors.

My existence is paradoxical. Must be the best but never being first, working tirelessly while not being able to brush my teeth or comb my hair, days flying by with nothing achieved yet feeling as if months have happened in the span of seconds.

There is no part of me that is correct. Every piece contradicts another, every value held torn apart by behaviors I’m unable to manage.

My life is one of improbable events and impossible expectations. Nothing can exist without being thrown away by another aspect of my being. Nothing makes sense. It never makes sense.

[a-rose-oc]

I can never live up to myself. Expectations fleeting from improbable to impossible, where is the line discerning them?

Efficiency is the lifeblood of success. A lack of productivity is a lack of effort. Leisure is useless, it must be beneficial. Working hard isn’t enough. My best isn’t enough. I am not enough. I will never be enough. If I’m never enough what is the point in attempting to be?

Breathe.

There is time. There is still time.

[a-rose-oc]

Lay my light in a coffin of remnants, at peace with what could have been. All of the experiences sought after but never attained surrounding me, existing in alternate realities where I’m happier or gone too soon.

My life leeches into memories of impossibility, trying to grasp onto the version that was better. Was I ever better? Did it ever get better?

Molecules reaching half lives, the mere idea of life being nothing more than a distant memory.

Tell me, were the stars proud?

[a-rose-oc]

I want to feel loved again. It’s not that I don’t know I’m loved, though sometimes it feels that I’m not worthy of that statement.

I crave having a friend. Yes, many people call me such, but I want something that feels unattainable at times.

Tell me about that one person at work that did that thing that you hate. Tell me about what you had for lunch. Tell me all of the thoughts you wish you could spill out into the world but are still afraid to.

Lend me your soul, even for just a moment. Let us be close without expectation, let us laugh together with platonic “I love you”s and shoulder punches.

Let me live once more with a soul that understands, allow me to see a part of you that is different than what a partner or relative would see; give me the honor to be called a nerd and be the first to hear about everything.

Show me friendship and I will show you my soul. Show me kindness and light without anticipation of escelation. Show me you.

[a-rose-oc]

Soft skin pressing into each others bodies, fresh sheets wrapping us both in a soft atmosphere of comfort. Raindrops hitting the windows just loud enough to create an ambient tone of peace. Fingers dragging along sides and torsos and thighs, begging to be enveloped by the entity they are worshipping. Soft lips pressed against each other, eventually finding their way downwards from cheek to neck to chest to stomach to thigh. Hearts synchronized in pace, slowly increasing with each twitch and movement. Breath shaking, whines echo against the walls of our universe; “it’s only us,” we say, the bed acting as our only attachment to the material plane. Feeling you is a religious experience, one that echoes the prayers I learned from such a young age; now I know what it truly means to worship something that deserves it.

[a-rose-oc]

I love you.

I don’t know how else to say it but I can’t think of any other words

You’re my safety. You’re my security. You’re my personal home that I get in human form. You’re the one that I go to first in every single situation if I ever need help or guidance or reassurance or feedback or advice or anything. You’re the one I want to marry and live with and have a life with and grow old with and become the best versions of ourselves with

You. All of you. I love your entirety.

You make me feel happier than I thought was possible, safer than I knew existed, more secure than I’ve ever known, more listened to and understood than anyone else ever has even tried to emulate

I just love you

And I want you to feel how I do when I’m with you. I want to give you the same feelings you give me. I don’t even know if that’s possible but it sure as hell won’t stop me from trying

I love you and it’s terrifying.

I didn’t know this kind of love was real. I feel like I don’t know what to do with it

All I know is that it feels so right.

[a-rose-oc]

I’m scared. I’m scared of the future, I’m scared of the past, I’m scared of the present, I’m scared of myself.

Nothing feels right. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels worthwhile to the point where I just want to give up or go away for a bit.

I’m alone. I feel so fucking alone. Trapped inside my own mind, begging to be released from my own form. The screams and terrors and never ending dissonance finally catching up to me, forcing me to do nothing but wait for it to stop. I just hope it stops.

I want to turn away from all that I find good. I want to escape into a world of nothing and blankness, hell that’s already what it feels like I’m doing. My mind echoes words that have passed through more times than are able to be counted.

Leave. Go. Do nothing. Sit and sulk and be miserable and look at all that the world is doing without you. Please just this once let the fuck go.

I want it to end. I want it all to be done. I need this prison of an existence to take me whole. I just want to stop.

[a-rose-oc]

What makes you think I’m so special?

[a-rose-oc]

Your lips crack with crimson, yet I kiss you. Is this not all true love is?

[a-rose-oc]

I want us to be the people the kid versions of us needed. I want us to be able to heal those kids together, through tears and rocking and stuffies and safe foods, I want us to find the other sitting on the bed, waiting for the other with open arms.

I want us to be safe for every version of the other. The overstimulated one who just needs headphones and a tight hug. The happy one that wants to flap their hands in pure joy. The depressed one who just wants to be held and softly cry but not know why they’re crying. The curious one who just wants to learn more and be taught new things.

We’re going to be the couple that other kids look at with adoration, gaining a little more hope that it might actually get better.

While we may not be there yet fully, I know we’re on our way.

[a-rose-oc]

I want our bodies to press against each other for the millionth time and feel the same sense of home I have been searching for my whole life and finally found with you. I want your arms to envelop me in safety.

Feel my skin against yours, hear your heart pulse and slow its rate the longer we lay together, with each other. Gentle touches calming my nervous system more than I realized was possible.

Your smell immediately comforts me, however weird that may sound. The way it reminds me of what love is supposed to feel like; how is something so minimal so powerful to my mind?

I want to be held by you. So softly and gently and innocently to the point where anything outside of your bodies doesn’t exist. The rest of the universe is absent. You are my universe.

Please, exist with me. Allow us to share moments that nobody else will witness, but understand they are fundamental to our love.

[a-rose-oc]

oh. so I do make it worse.

[a-rose-oc]

Eviscerate my happiness. Tear apart my soul and search through it for any molecule that wanted anything but to love.

Disintegrate my form into atoms, return them to the stars and I will be happy. Destroy my memories, change and warp whatever vision people have of me; let my existence appear to them as a false dream.

Leave me to melt and erode, watch me slowly deteriorate into nothing, into something unrecognizable.

Just leave. Please. Let me go.