Discovering your ABDL partner’s true identity and supporting them to not hide from it.
For some ABDLs, this is just a sexual fetish where they’ll wear once or twice a week for sex and that’s it. However, for the majority, it’s much more than that and you’ll know this if your partner wears a diaper outside of sex-oriented times and especially if they talk about how diapers make them feel better/happier and less stressed/anxious.
Realizing that this was more than just a fetish for my boyfriend was a big turning point for me and I made the decision that I wanted to help him accept and embrace who he was rather than him being ashamed. The mental health improvement for him of me doing this was greater than I could have imagined and is the main driver why I produce this content to try to help others.
The vast majority of ABDLs struggle with the feelings of shame and fears of their secret being discovered which often develop from childhood and their early teenage years. This comes from a general lack of acceptance of non-conformist lifestyles and it’s although it’s something we’re seeing change positively for LGBTQ+ people, widespread acceptance of ABDL is still a while away. This shame causes stress, anxiety, binge/purge cycles, and other mental health issues.
The crazy thing is ABDL is in no way “bad” or “wrong”, they have a preference to wear a different type of underwear which makes them feel better and enjoy not having to use dirty toilets all the time. Some might also like acting younger to destress or like the feeling of being forced to wear/use diapers. But crucially none of this has a negative impact on themselves as they aren’t causing harm to their bodies (unlike alcohol, fast food & drugs do) or harm to others around them. Equally wearing diapers isn’t even at all uncommon in the general population, in most western countries more adult diapers are sold than baby diapers now and it’s estimated that up to 10% of adults are wearing some sort of incontinent product on a daily basis.
I believe strongly that you should treat this as being part of their identity and not something that should be restricted, shamed, or avoided.
A big challenge for partners though is because of this shame and feeling of guilt your partner is likely hiding some or all of their real identity from you.
Discovering their true identity
Below are the key and common elements to ABDL identity and hopefully the questions under each section should help you identify which applies to your partner. You might be able to ask these to yourself but also don’t be afraid to directly ask your partner as well.
Do they enjoy wearing adult diapers?
Does wearing diapers make them feel safer or more comfortable?
Are they less stressed or anxious when wearing diapers?
If nobody would find out, would they always wear a diaper?
If they’ve answered yes to 2 or more of these then it’s clear that wearing diapers is a key part of their identity.
Are they happy to wet their diaper at home?
Are they happy to wet their diaper in public?
Are they happy to mess their diaper at home?
Are they happy to mess their diaper in public (as long as nobody is inconvenienced)?
Does the idea of being a bedwetter appeal to them?
Does the idea of being incontinent appeal to them?
These are straightforward but look for signs of hesitation. They might be embarrassed to answer these truthfully, especially the ones about messing so push hard to get an answer and tell they you just want the truth.
Middle Behaviors (4- 12 years old)
Do they like acting like a child?
Do they enjoy childish activities such as coloring, playing with lego, and watching cartoons?
Do they like to dress in childish clothing such as bright colors & printed t-shirts?
Treat these responses as a way to work out how “middle” they are. Think of this like a spectrum from not a middle at all to they would love to live life as a middle.
Baby Behaviors (1- 3 years old)
* Do they often wear baby-themed adult diapers?
* Do they like to wear patterned onesies?
* Do they have or would like to wear other adult baby clothing at home?
* Do they feel more relaxed when sucking on a pacifier?
* If they could choose would they like to drink from bottles or sippy cups?
* Are they able to regress and act like a baby or toddler?
* Do they enjoy watching baby and toddler TV shows?
* Would they like to add AB furniture to our home, like a crib or high chair?
Treat these responses as a way to work out how “baby” they are. Think of this like a spectrum from not having baby tendencies, to they would love to like life as a baby if they could. Most people will be in the middle area of these extremes.
I’d divide this up into 5 levels:
No AB tendencies = answered no to all of the questions
Novice AB = Answered yes to the top two questions and maybe one other question
Intermediate AB = Answered yes to 4 questions but potentially struggles to regress fully
Experienced AB = Answered yes or potentially to most questions
Full AB = Answered yes to everything
Forced Diapers & Regression
* Do they like the idea of being forced to wear diapers?
* Do they like the idea of being forced to use their diapers?
* Do they like the idea of being forced to be a baby?
* Do they like the idea of being treated as / dressed as a different gender? (e.g. man dressed as a baby girl)
* Do they like the idea of being restrained such as through bondage or locking clothing?
If they answer yes to a question, ask how often they’d want to feel forced. Is it just occasional or all the the time. It would be quite common for someone to answer they’d like to be forced to wear diapers all the time but only occasionally forced to be a baby.
Asking these questions to yourself or them directly should now give you a good idea of their ABDL identity.
Let’s start with the first two sections on diapers and usage. Seeing as you’re reading this I’m sure they answered yes to most of the diaper questions. It’s also likely they like using their diapers for at least wetting.
Given you now know that wearing and using diapers makes them happier you should ask yourself what is stopping them from wearing all the time. The answer is likely a combination of:
* They’re worried you won’t approve
* They feel guilty about having these desires generally
* They feel awkward wearing around you or asking if they can wear
* They’re worried they’ll be discovered
* They’re in a period of low self-worth after an orgasm
The first three you can solve by actively encouraging them to wear as much as possible, you know this makes them happier and have better mental health so for me at least this was a no-brainer.
The fear of discovery is massively overblown, give them assurance their diaper is hidden when leaving the house and in the extremely unlikely event someone does notice you can easily say their having some waterworks issues. People however unless very close friends or family won’t mention anything.
This final one is extremely common in men and the best way to solve is by making sure either they have no choice but to stay diapered after an orgasm or use a chastity cage to prevent them in the first place. The latter I’ve found to be very helpful for my partner if you’re open to it and it has lots of benefits for you too.
So I overall I cannot recommend highly enough that you encourage or force your partner to be diapered as much as possible. You might want exceptions for work and family initially but your goal (knowing that the time in diapers helps them) is to keep them diapered as much of each day as feasible.
If they didn’t answer with a hard no to any of the first 4 usage questions, then their diapers should be their toilet when wearing. If they do have a hard limit on messing then that can be accommodated but make sure it’s not just them saying what they think you want to hear.
If they identify as middle then this is easy to accommodate and just make sure you let them know that you want them to explore this side of themselves and they shouldn’t feel embarrassed to do childish activities at home. Buy them coloring books, lego sets and put cartoons on tv for them without them asking are easy ways to show this support.
Most will have identified with baby activities to some degree. If they’re in the novice or intermediate categories then your main role is to be supportive and encourage them with these simple baby elements. Help them pick out baby-themed diapers for the day or buy new ones online together. At night always have them dressed in a baby onesie and encourage a pacifier to be used before bed. Giving them a nighttime drink in a bottle will show your support and is convenient to drink in bed.
If they’re in the experienced or full ab categories you will need to consider more significant involvement. At these levels you should try help them get into a baby headspace lasting several hours at least 3 times a week. When in this headspace you should treat them completely as a baby, helping feed, check and change them and giving them baby toys or shows to watch. This time will massively destress them so it’s worth the effort. Outside of these times baby clothing and diapers should be the norm at home with pacifier usage encouraged at any time they want. If you have a spare room and can afford it, creating a dedicated nursery for them can be life-changing for them and keep everything in one easy place which can be locked when you have guests.
This might feel extreme to you right now but our experience is people become more AB over time so you should prepare the slowly move up the bands.
Forced Diapers & Regression
I don’t think this element gets talked about enough but many ABDLs are driven by the desire for it to be forced upon them.
If they’ve said they want to be forced to wear and use diapers occasionally then make sure that a few times a week you present them with diapers and tell them they’re in them until you say so. Forcing them to use their diapers can be achieved through making sure they drink plenty and using laxatives or suppositories.
If they have said they’d like to be forced all the time then the solution is clear. Read our article on making the decision for them and return them to diapers full time, make it clear you’re forcing this decision for them as you know it what they want and it will be good for them. They will resist at points but stand firm, they’ll thank you later.
Even if they’re in diapers full time with no toilet privileges, you should still force them to truly lose control twice a week. I recommend doing one suppository a week; before watching tv or a film together, before sending them out of the house to go shopping or randomly in the daytime when their next change is a few hours away. And also using a tablet laxative once a week which can be given in the evening to ensure they lose control overnight.
Depending on their answer to being force to be baby, use this to dictate the frequency. If occasionally, then a few times a week make sure you treat them as a baby at the more extreme end. For example have an evening where you feed them their dinner while they sit in AB clothes and a thick diaper. Or surprise them with a whole day at the weekend where they must act like a baby.
If they’re like that more permanently, use the same guide as above but make sure they’re always in baby attire at home. You should also seriously consider creating a nursery room if possible.
Gender is easy as if that’s something they want just switch the types of diapers and clothing you buy for them and call them your baby girl, etc.
Bondage elements should generally be included if forced diapers is something they need. At a minimum use restrictive clothing to prevent them from accessing their diapers, rear zipping onesies or all-in-ones are ideal. Even adaptive clothing combined with padded mittens works well. When unsupervised access to their diapers should be prevented where possible and they should get used to asking to be changed or released if they’re changing themselves.
A locking diaper cover or belt is a good addition. Finally, they should experience times when they’re completely restrained and using their diapers is forced upon them. For daytime a straightjacket is ideal and it is perfect to watch TV together or prevent them from using their phone. My favorite is using bed restraints combined with an overnight laxative so they experience a true feeling of helplessness.
Hopefully this has been helpful and helps you understand what your partner identifies as. If this all feels too much I’d recommend starting with the diaper and usage elements first as this is normally the most important step and then layer in the AB and forced elements over the next couple of months.
I’m also conscious that I’ve likely missed off a big section I should have covered so let me know in the comments.
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