stillness in woe

[abigailallen]

garcia, stella.​

who / stella garcia ; 33 year old guidance counselor and absolute disaster of a human being  what / evening at the desert botanical garden, stella’s dog bear ( a maltese ) has gotten off his leash and come to say hi  open / @phxstarters​ 

taking bear with her for a walk through the gardens was a fairly regular occurrence - sure, she could run with him around their neighborhood, but sometimes she liked to stretch her legs a little further, treat herself to some froyo and let bear run himself ragged. he was always quieter at night when she did, a little more settled and with the weather refusing to change from summer to fall ( her two years in the city told her there was no seasonal change for her, not anymore ) he’d been more restless than normal.

he was a well behaved dog, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still just that - a dog who got excited, and though he was good about staying close when he was off leash, he took off without warning, stella almost tripping over herself to catch up to where he’d gone, licking another’s hand and spinning around for them, clearly lavishing in the attention. 

“you’re going to spoil him,” she teased lightly, kneeling down to clip his leash back to his collar. “he loves attention - as if i don’t lavish him in it enough. sorry about this - he didn’t accidentally nip you, did he? he can do that when he’s overly excited.” 

                    "Oh my God. Please don’t. You don’t ever need to apologize for this monster.” Abby had knelt and began showcasing some affection toward the pup the moment that he breeched her personal space, which trust, was more than welcome. She’d always been an animal lover, but the household she grew up in didn’t exactly give off the vibe of family friendly, nor did the jet-setting lifestyle that she opted to live. In fact, as much as she adored them, Abby wasn’t so sure why she didn’t finally adopt one when her and Ben were living out that fantasy lifestyle together. Hmm. Lips pressed together, the photographer chuckled when the furry creature opted that ear scratches weren’t enough and wanted more belly rubs, flopping onto his side while all four limbs outstretched. Of course, Abby obligated and glided a hand up and down that belly, enjoying it while she can. “No, no, he didn’t. He’s basically a gentle giant.” She peered up at the woman. “What’s his name?” 

[abigailallen]

quin, sydney.​

     once pressed over wound like band-aid,  a ‘quick-fix’ that,  when inevitably ripped off,  just brought on more pain.  what i’m saying is the time in sid’s life for religion is over.  and yet, hell must exist so that abby’s father  &.  sid’s father can find each other at the bar reserved for tantrum-having men with too much vacant space in their hearts.  space where unconditional love for their daughters should be.   but no,   sid’s not bitter.  she definitely doesn’t cradle EASILY REPLACED to the heart,  decades later,  and probably for the rest of her life,  because that’s what happens when dads don’t love you—–    they maim you.   daddy issues,   delivered as punchline with curled lips to your female friends that feel it, too.  isn’t that just another band-aid?         “   they’d age ten years on impact,  if they knew. “   with smirk that just says  huh,   why not?    let ‘em fuckin’ see  &.  stare  &.  wince.   and there’s that cheekiness,  which glistens in her eyes and delivers in,  “ let’s make it thirty. “       —–  &. 𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐖𝐄'𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐁𝐀𝐑 !                              ( 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒌𝒊𝒑. )    it isn’t the pretty people of phoenix that float around the bustling bar who grab sid’s attention.   that simply isn’t what she’s here for.  she’s still holding hands with the woman she is,  wanting not to lose her so early on.  anyway,   sid’s eyeing the mic-stands and the queue glued to it.   dammit.  say a fire alarm is pulled,  momentarily clearing the bar—  and that growing karaoke line.  do these ladies have the charm to slither outta consequence?   for argument’s sake.  besides, sid knows abby won’t be stepping anywhere near the stage without a drink or two,  and if they’re gonna attempt miss jessica,  they should at least be tipsy.   “ so what’ll it be,  beautiful? “   sid’s paying.  don’t even try it.

~

                     She was thankful Sid didn’t take her by the arm and yank. The woman croaked like a damn frog when a mic was brought to her lips, she didn’t need the entire freaking bar to bear witness to her honorable pipes, and perhaps Sid knew that, which Abby was thankful for. She’d much rather head straight for the liquid courage and coat her throat with that wicked burn that she craved so much before any of the antics came through. The photographer made a beeline for the opening and drummed her hands down onto the countertop like she was an excited child hyped up on sugar-like crack, but realistically, maybe she was. “Mm. I don’t know. Do I want it straight? Do I wanna go classic? I’m thinking a Jack and Coke will be just fine.” God, her mouth was already watering. Abby mentally lulled over her choice before she shot the bartender a flirty smirk, natural in her element, confirming her order. “It’s been a hot minute.” A hot minute for plenty in her life...

[sudaul]

[abigailallen]

winterson, kai.​

     Full Dad Mode is his métier, the comfiest place on earth for Kai and his moralistic nonsense. His children loathe it – why wouldn’t they? – and it does him very few favours with his friends either, but it’s one of the only certainties left in his life. He’s an over-the-hill, widowed director who’s failed to produce a decent film in years, but he knows, to his marrow, that he’s a good father. And if that knowledge leads him to believe he can pass judgement on other people’s parenting… well. Glass houses, stones, and all that.

       "You are still here.“ It’s validation. Attempted validation at any rate. "And that’s important. I’m not diminishing it whatsoever. It’s easier to run. God knows plenty of parents do."   The mother of his children, for one. His wife, although sainted by Kai in death, had many moments of inconsistency, prone to keeping her children at arm’s length whilst still managing to land on her feet and be their favourite parent. She was the exciting one, the birthday cake when it’s not your birthday one. Ice cream sandwiches for breakfast. Earthy jokes. Funfairs. Gifts to placate, to smooth over the craters her absence had left. He surrenders the photographs to Abigail – and the argument, for now – and even manages to smile – heaven forbid! – at the mention of expensive purses.  Teenagers.

           ”Purses. It’s shoes for Agnès at the moment. I mean, how many pairs of shoes does one person need?“     Cléo’s wry observation that she’d have to be a millipede to wear them all had both amused Kai and spoken to his incredulity in equal measure.

~

                    Guilt was a bitch. It ate at you alive. It was probably why Abby was in the hot seat and was itching to make a run for it. Take a leap and never look back. It made her stomach churn and perhaps she was being a bit dramatic about it all ── but the woman had never been one to sit through a confrontation where it was entirely her fault. It wasn’t just her marriage where her hand wasn’t the only one in play. It was her relationship with her daughter and that was on her. It actually reminded her of how her father could be, the ever notorious Edmund Allen, which Abby would never, ever admit. She’d been provided the photographs as a means to a distraction when Kai grew quiet, which prompted her brow to tick. Abby wasn’t foolish, she knew he had much more to say on the matter. “I’m going to ask them to tag along with me to New York. I’ve got a couple of shoots lined up in September so,” She trailed off, licking her lips, much more tame than before. Ultimately Abby knew that Kai was coming from a good place. Knowing Ben had also been a package deal with Mia in this case, Abby referred to they as them. After all, she was making strides to fix her marriage as well, and that whole distance thing was a major issue for them. They never got a glimpse of ‘her’ world and it was about time that changed. “It’s already arranged even if they say no, so, if they do, you and Sid just might be tagging along with me.” But she was hopeful. 

                    Manicured fingers began shifting through the photocopies and picking out her favorites, then separating the ones she’d reshoot and touch up and give a bit more work on. She could practically do this in her sleep, so her eye returned to Kai, lips pursed. “You have girls. You should’ve been prepared for this a long time ago. Shoes are a never ending thing. You can never have too many.” She should know. Always making a show of the heels that ended up on her delicate feet. The photographer actually managed a smirk now that the air was clear and even stretched her legs out to click the pair she wore for the flare of it. “Just you wait.” Her chuckle was soft. Fingers moved her hair from her eyes once more. “How are those girls anyway? And you? Your heart hasn’t given out yet, so,” Her smirk returned yet again with her kid. “You’re still alive and kicking.” 

[abigailallen]

sani, shami.​

“Oh my god, this smells amazing.” So good that he’s talking to himself out loud. He’s been standing in this aisle for a good twenty minutes, holding a bottle of laundry detergent in each hand. “You know, I never used to be this like,” he says idly to a person nearby, “But this new detergent smells like a fresh summer’s day and I don’t know what to do with myself.”

@phxstarters​

~

                    "My God, Sani,” Abby’s head shook while her face was clearly riddled with amusement. “what planet are you on?” It was only going to end once that bottle was out of reach and in the basket and they’d be on with it. “You know when you offered to tag along with my errands, I didn’t think you’d draw such a spectacle.” Her hum came out jokingly then alternated the basket from one arm to the next. “Are you okay?” 

[jennadewandaily]

Jenna Dewan Tatum leaves Joan’s on Third in Hollywood on August 2, 2017

[abigailallen]

walker, benjamin. ​

✹

               Nostalgia was cruel and being bombarded with so many great memories had only further dug the hole that Ben was willingly stepping into. Tomorrow or the days to come he might regret this with Abby, but then again — through all the ups and downs and the way his heart had broken he never regretted touching her or being close with her. That was when they felt like them. Before bills, babies, and apparently chains. Before Ben had to accept that home wasn’t where his wife’s heart was. He’d never been good at letting go, especially not of something and someone he still wanted so much. Abby was meant to be his for life and a year later he couldn’t accept being on the brink of divorce. 

              “Nah, no choice when you’re doing this to me.” The smirk on his lips toyed with her as his blue eyes took in his wife. Here she was, in his arms and against him, flirting like this was their first time at the fair together all those years ago. Completely swept up in the moment and wanting to let go of everything else, when the brunette pulled away after pressing her perfect lips to his chin, Ben chased after them with his own. And he held her for a moment or two, simply letting their lips mould together like he had felt they’d always been meant to. His arms wrapped around Abby loosened so that his hands could move down her sides, feeling that figure he’d loved every inch of a million times over within his grasp once more. In their travels, his hands stopped just above her backside. Ben was unapologetic when he pulled back enough for their eyes to greet each other once more. He’d always been of the practice that you never touched a woman without meaning, you didn’t open up her emotions without the intent to take care of them.”You had popcorn on your lips.” Playful, keeping the conversation light while hearts were heavy yet hammering, Ben really just wanted to see her smile. Maybe even roll her eyes at him once again. 

              Once they were seated Ben wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his side and out of the corner. As silly as it might have been, he wanted to hold her. Maybe it was the sun and heat, or the beer, or even the year without affection, but — she looked more beautiful today than he could remember. Which, was saying a lot when it came to his stunning wife. “You’re so cheesy,” a tease, nodding to the attendant that had made sure they were secure in the gondola, “you couldn’t have waited until they walked away?” Turning his head, he kissed the top side of Abby’s. Blue eyes remained on his wife, glued to her profile, as they moved up on the wheel a slow notch. His lips began to twist with a smile as her hand trailed up his leg. Not stopping her, and in fact encouraging her by parting his legs a little further. Whispering down into her ear — “You couldn’t have worn anything a bit more accessible?”

~

                     For a brief moment, Abby’s lids shut over her eyes and she soaked up the moment of Ben pressing his lips to her own. Too brief. Incredibly short. It happened far too quick for her own liking, almost so much so that she couldn’t even savor in it. She soaked up the mere seconds that it lasted when she wanted nothing short of a lifetime. Of course, standing there in line for the carnival ride wasn’t the place for it, and she applauded Ben for taking that leap and doing so nonetheless, but damn. She already was craving that affection before he even came close. She wanted more. Her plump little lips were still tingling from his kiss and her eyes were a little glazed over when he retreated to safety. Not to mention how she had felt from where those hands had been so innocently. It was like she was a little bit of a ditz upon moving from the concrete beneath her feet before the ride into getting onto the carrier, but in reality, who could blame her? Her husband always made it a habit to completely dazzle her. After a whole year without such a thing, it was very easy for Abby to be left humbled.

                    No sooner had they been stationed in the two sweater had Abby skipped the small talk and got to business. She’d been feeling even more excited after that exchange of their lips and the constant contact with Ben’s warm body. It was easy to feel the heat radiating from his size that doubled her own, from both the temperature of the air and the natural way his blood pumped through his veins and kept his body at a comfortable pace. Abby missed that. “Am I?” It was a rhetorical question, maybe she was cheesy, but there had been too many good memories that came to reaching the sky. It filled her heart with love, it reached the tips of her toes and fingers, making her body fizzle with the heat that came with feeling everything all at once. That was something that was just Abby. She wanted the world, to experience the highs and lows of what it had to offer, including the passionate love that everyone so deserved. Despite the fact that she surely would be left with a taste of disappointment on her tongue when Ben came to his senses and pulled away for a final time, she still couldn’t resist. She never could with him. “Mm. Me? I couldn’t.” The answer was fairly honest and kind of a no brainer. “I missed you.” She dipped her shoulder just enough and allowed herself to whisper the sweet words into Ben’s ear, her confession of sorts, while nimble fingers crooked at the knuckles and tickled their way up his thigh. 

                   She was being slow on purpose, even if they only had the seconds that ticked by for the fifteen minute ride. Her hand smoothed from his knee down his thigh again, appreciating how he put himself together for this outing nonetheless, actually daring to pop open the button, unzipping the rest. Abby took the leap but still kept their views private, slipping her hand down inside. Her own attire was arguably still summery, with a tank that showed a little tummy and jeans that gave her figure some appreciation, but his complaint caused her to smirk when her neck twisted and stole another kiss. “Where’s the fun in that?” 

[abigailallen]

Drunk (And I Don't Wanna Go Home)

Elle King · Song · 2021

[abigailallen]

winterson, kai.​

           He’s realised he’s a coward when it comes to confrontation, with the exception of the welfare of children. Then he’s an infernal nuisance, a lover of lectures, incapable of seeing the bigger picture. It’s easy to chalk it up to personal tragedy, the results of muddling through life as a single father through no choice of one’s own.      “No. It’s not my place to lecture you. I’m just disappointed, that’s all.”       We all know that one: not angry, just disappointed, trademarked by parents everywhere. He absently flips through a stack of developed photographs as he speaks – promos for a short film of his, a recent shoot which Abi oversaw and they’re supposed to be checking over today – supposed to be, provided they can find the time between Kai’s lectures. As it stands, he’s not paying attention to any of it right now, the pictures blurring into one.  ”All parents are clueless, Abigail. You do realise that’s not an excuse, right? Parenting isn’t about knowing all the answers. It’s about being there. Showing up. And continuing to show up. Kids need consistency. They deserve consistency.“

~

                     "You're kidding, right? You're totally going in full Dad mode on me right now. You're playing dirty." She practically groaned the moment disappointment left his lips. He didn't have to say it; it was already written all over his face, but doubling down on voicing it also just put a damper on it. And, it went without saying, Abby was fully aware of her downfalls and the lectures she had coming at her left and right. She knew why she earned them. Hell, she was still fighting the common ground and practically screaming to get some to look at her perspective, as it wasn't always just so black and white. To the outside looking in? It looked like she all but gave up on her life and her daughter. Maybe even not just on the outside considering she had a pending divorce under her belt. It was safe to say there were very few that understood where Abby was coming from, whether they justified her or not. Validation of her stance wasn't the point she was looking for. Sighing through her nose, Abby smushed her lips together, remaining quiet, fidgeting with her fingers by combing through her hair. She might as well let Kai get it out in the open now just knowing they would somehow circle back later on if they didn't. 

                    "I know they need us to show up. It's why I'm still here. Even when every single part of me is screaming to get the hell out." This was exactly why she never voiced her concerns. It would always be warped and she would say the wrong thing, taking on a different meaning of what she was trying to say. Suddenly, Abby groaned in frustration and tipped her head back, closing her eyes at how that came out. She didn't want to leave her life, no, Abby just wanted to be able to live more of it. It became apparent to her by how she was ostracized by reality that being a woman who enjoyed the art of independence, her work, passions, sex, socialization and then some and not having to sit behind a table at some bake sale was some sort of crime. Abby reached to steal those copies of photographs in Kai's grip in favor of her own. "Can I see these? I might as well make some money and pay for Mia's need for expensive purses in the meantime..." Abby trailed off, sarcasm at it's finest peak in her crumbling tone.

[abigailallen]

quin, sydney.​

   oh my god.  oh my god,  oh my god.    “ abby,  IS IT CHRISTMAS OR SOME SHIT!? “   it would explain the joy and its abundance.    well,  we’ve hardly beaten any records;  sid’s already hit the ground again,  jumping up and down like child overdosed on fairy-floss.    which-— yes,  if you notice closely there’s a TINY speck of pink-cloud in her hair.   no,  she is an adult woman and did not dabble in the spun sugar that belongs to childhood  ( but not hers ).  it wasn’t incredibly tasty as it was sticky—-  a texture that for some ungodly reason ended up on her armpit.  it just didn’t happen…  

     “  forget those nights baby. “  though,  the night in question was admittedly special.  sid,  overhearing the sounds of familiar band and dragging her friend along for the ride.  how they charmed themselves into a black rebel motorcycle club concert,  sweet-talking their way onto the shoulders of men for ain’t no easy way,   climbing down and holding hands to sometimes the light.   it’s a night  &.  a band that belongs to abby and sid alone,  now.  abby,  the first friend reintroduced to her life after…   the first one trusted to go out with amidst–  we’ll call ‘em temptations.    sid extends bare palm up,  fingers wriggling  /  demanding to be held.

      “ we’re going to that karaoke bar right— fucking— now.  the stage is ours and we’ll put on these boots are made for walking— the jessica simpson one,  obviously.  let’s set the fucking world on fire.  “

~

                     Girlfriends, right? That was it. In a world as cruel as the one they lived in, taking away little bundles of joy and souring happy people and placing obstacles in the road where you just are bound to fail... you had your crutch and you leaned on them. There was a reason that there was such a stigma around hoes over bros. Sometimes, just sometimes, they made up the better part of you where you just fell short. Where not even the love of your life could make that little part of you whole again. Sometimes you just need your girlfriends. And, well, it was safe to say that Sid and Abby had endured almost all of it together. When they were young and a bit too reckless, crossing off everything on their bucket list and laughing while they did it. Only to go on and meet the men that changed their lives forever, welcome two blabbing gorgeous little girls, then watch it all crumble at their fingertips years later. Up in smoke, like they lit a joint match and decided on it together. It actually made Abby feel guilty to know that she could very well be taking her life for granted in hopes that she could have it all, that whole spanking one hundred percent, when she was certain Sid would do anything to undo her own heartbreak from a decade prior. She sure as hell knew that she'd do anything to give that back to her best friend. It brought a tiny smirk to her mouth that doubled as if she was dancing with the devil. Sid never failed to validate Abby or make her feel a little less crazy in her skin. Sid actually made Abby feel whole again in that moment, silly as it could be, even if deep down she knew it wouldn't last when the high wore off.

                    "I still think about it sometimes. Like, Jesus Christ, Sid──" Abby chuckled under her breath. "My own Dad disowned me over getting pregnant by some car guy with oil on his hands," Edmund's words, not her's, "and yet... I swear to God, if only he knew." Laughter slipped from her lips yet again. She dabbled in it all, and even after she had met and fell for Ben, she felt the word at her fingertips. Just less sex with strangers, more with him. Abby jostled her body to rise from the metal chair and shook down her top to free any crumbs or whatever. She knew she looked good; the jeans and blank tank top hugged her well. Despite the thin layer of sweat on the back of her neck, there really was no need for any touch ups.

                 "I'm not even kidding. You want in on a little secret? ... I'm bored stiff. I'm still avoiding all of the Karen's from the soccer team giving me a lecture of failing to provide for their booth for the raffles too. Please? Can we go now?" It seemed as if Sid wasn't looking to waste much time and came up with an offer of her own, which prompted yet another smirk to cross her lips. Sipping from a fresh jack and coke with Sid sounded far more pleasing to her than battling with the harsh stares from those around her, even if she couldn't hit a note for the life of her. Abby grabbed her bag that hung from her shoulder then extended an arm out to Sid, fingers wiggling in the air, getting her to move that tight little body of hers. "Let's go, woman."

[abigailallen]

campos, antonia.​

✹

               In catching a glimpse of Abby’s frown, the brunette opened her mouth to interject something to her own comments but nothing readily rolled off her tongue. She hadn’t been taking a hit at the petite photographer in the grips of failing marriage woes, Toni had been attempting the opposite. In her opinion, Abby had reason to feel secure since her estranged husband seemed a loyal partner at her side. Why else would a divorce drag on for as long as it had? Pending child custody agreements or not. “Maybe you are a little crazy though.” Careless shoulders lifted and dropped into a shrug. The wild one didn’t have a dog in this fight aside from her friend finding some sort of happy ending. “And maybe I’m the wrong person for this, but in my opinion that’s not a bad thing. At least life isn’t stagnant and boring.” That had always been something Toni had feared for herself, mostly subconsciously, and perhaps had always been what compelled her feet to run. “Does he know that?” The question came out carefully, following a long gaze as she listened. She wondered what that felt like, to have that level of love and devotion. Loyalty, through thick and thin. “So, I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want but — what was it?” It went beyond curiosity, the question, she cared about Abby’s situation and felt that maybe she could help prevent people from making the same mistakes she had.

              “Oh, babe,” some chuckling broke up her words, “I was born under a bad sign. Born a dark star.” Her life had been a never ending Y. Without fail, at every opportunity, Toni always seemed to make the wrong choice and take the road less traveled. “I definitely get in my own way, too. I’m incredibly impulsive and just — dumb, sometimes.” Once she finished getting the shoes on, she sat back and let her hands fall to her lap. Before she could offer a reply, Toni gathered her long, thick hair back in her fingers, twisting it up and then letting it fall behind her. “I hurt everyone that gets close to me. It’s never intentional but it happens one way or another. I just fuck everything up, and no — I’m not kidding or exaggerating. I give into my impulses and whims, and by that I’ve hurt my ex to the point where he wont return my calls or texts. I got myself in trouble with the law and had to do some things I hate myself for — and not because I’m sure someone wants me dead. But I hurt someone else that I love, and — I don’t know, it’s all piling up.” A motion of her hand to show that she was nearly buried under it, it had gotten so deep. Unable to really do anything else, Toni shrugged. “So, don’t get too close to me, I’ll fuck up your life too.” If she sounded like someone at rock bottom, empty, and self-loathing then it was accurate. A lifetime of constant heartache and loneliness had worn her down. She had nowhere to turn to like most everyone else. Playfully, snapping out of the downward spiral, the brunette returned Abby’s wink and left it at that. “You look amazing. You’ll do great. Just don’t be afraid to put your heart on the line.” Then she nodded, grabbing her friend’s purse for her and handing off then collecting her own things to leave. “Yep. Call me if you need anything.”

~

                    Toni's query seems small, but actually had taken Abby for a loop. Did he know? It seemed silly for her to need to reiterate her wants and desires. Her own problem that stirred everything up had been the fact that she wanted it all. Everything. Right now. It just wasn't realistic and she was frustrated at such, but never was it a question that she craved her husband. It also had never occurred to her that it could very well be a thought on the horizon, even when she herself felt lonely, unwanted and insecure. Abby's shoulders rose then fell in a minor shrug. "I don't know," the brunette whispered with lashes fluttering against her high cheekbones. "I'd hope so." It sounded a little pathetic to admit, but Toni also didn't need to sit there and hear her inner monologue going down in her head. Abby pulled off the clothes that covered her up and adjusted the undergarments before stepping into the blue dress, then shimmied her hips just right so the fabric glided over her skin. "I had a baby when I didn't want to be a mom and now I'm stuck in this role that's expected to be all baking for bake sales and sewing for play recitals and I never wanted it." She reached around and zipped up her own dress. "I love my daughter. She's the best thing I ever did. And I know, that's ironic." She'd always have a hard time painting her picture the way she needed to in order for anyone to understand where she was coming from. Turning around, Abby went for a pair of white heels, slipping her feet into them.

                    Even if her back was turned to Toni while she polished off her look, she'd still found herself frowning. She was similar to Toni in the way that it was easier to give a little insight while being self deprecating. That, and, Toni had easily gone through much more than anyone ever should by the tender age of thirty something. Abby hated to think that Toni saw herself as being so far gone that she didn't think to get close to anyone else. She couldn't imagine fighting that battle to live that way. "What happened?" She asked, referencing the pair of exes, wondering what it could be that made them reject every single one of her calls, and damn, how she must've loved them both to keep on trying. Whether she deemed herself as damaged goods or not, she still deserved redemption. "Who the hell wants you dead? Toni, what the hell?" Her eyes widened just slightly at the realism of it all; she couldn't tell if Toni was spinning a dramatic tale or not, she didn't know her past well enough to make that judgement, but deeming that someone wanted you dead was a lot to swallow. Even for the Phoenix native. "You know what I think? I think you deserve to give yourself some grace here. I really don't think you're as big of a screw up as you think. Most of the time, we aren't, we just blame ourselves for more than what we deserve. It's usually easier that way." Abby gently pushed her stud earrings through and snapped the backing when she turned to Toni. Grabbing her purse, those brows still kinked and remained high, looking back toward Toni. "You do know that applies to you too, right?"

[dailywomen]

Jenna Dewan Tatum photographed by  Mike Rosenthal for Mane Addicts (April 2015)

[quotemadness]

I will not be another flower picked for my beauty and left to die. I will be wild, difficult to find, and impossible to forget.

Erin Van Vuren  (via chandlerwrites)

[abigailallen]

chang, phoebe.​

.

      As much as she wanted to say yes, in fact, she was daydreaming about something spectacular, maybe like a hot beach and a sexy half-naked man walking on it, but the truth was– she was listening in conversations she shouldn’t be. All in the name of love. “Yeah, you know, good would be an overstatement.” Came the muttered response, eyes lifting in search of the coffee that was meant to arrive. Her friend knew her well, almost too well. How could she fault Abby for that? Well, she couldn’t. Rather than talking about the thoughts that plagued her mind, she swiftly pointed over her shoulder into the direction of the now much quieter phone conversation, “Just, seeing where I can save the day.” As if her job made her a superhero, ha– yeah right. “Though thankfully, I don’t think divorce is in the cards for that young lady.”

~

                    Ha! Wasn't that ironic? Divorce wasn't on the horizon for her, and yet, suddenly Abby grew green with envy. She wondered if Phoebe even picked up on itl. "Too bad you couldn't save my day." It was a humorless joke that came with taking a gobble out of the muffin that she had stolen off the counter after paying and waiting for her latte to arrive at her table of choice. She was kidding, of course, it was just a little funny to her. Abby's eyes trailed on over to where Phoebe pointed to, a young woman whispering into her speaker, but rather whisper yelling, something that she had perfected the art of. The caffeine eventually arrived and Abby grinned at the steam that radiated off of hers, even when it was a near one hundred and two outside. "Should I go slip her your card?" Her eyelid dipped in a wink. "I can be your personal reference."

[abigailallen]

burakgazi, nadia.​

✹

               Even though her friend was right, Nadia wouldn’t have trouble obtaining a drink or finding a man who’d be happy to find himself between her legs. It was the consequences of indulging in one drink that weighed on her mind, given that she’d didn’t just have herself to think about anymore when it came to what she did with her own body. Then, knowing she was emotional and in an incredibly needy state, the brief satiation of sex and a few orgasms (if anyone could even measure up to what Owen had done for her the other night) could possibly just cause her more strife. Mostly because the brunette didn’t want just sex. She wanted to be held and cared for, she wanted intimacy. The harsh truth was that Nadia was the relationship girl, not the free spirited hookup girl. It had always seemed enticing, to be that free and to enjoy sex with anyone that wanted to enjoy it too, but when she had tried in university the brunette had failed horrifically. At that point Nadia had to accept that she was a romantic, and then also accept in this modern landscape of love and connections that there was nothing wrong with that. In many ways, she envied women like the good friend across from her. While Abby didn’t have it all put together, dealing with family and marriage struggles, she saw a woman who still fought to hold onto her independence despite it all. When she leaned forward, resting her arms on the table between friends, she swallowed down the rising emotions and focused on the situation that wasn’t about her and her life falling apart. “I can’t drink and I can’t just fuck someone. They might think it a little weird when I want them to hold me afterward.” Somehow a little laugh broke loose, realizing that the situation was maybe a little comical. Most men’s worst nightmare: them just trying to get their dick wet and the woman looking for a relationship. “Did your father really give it up or did he realize he had a strong and independent baby?” With amusement, the brunette shook her head. Nadia pushed some hair back behind her shoulders. It was good to hear and see Abby laugh. Especially knowing she was wading through divorce and a daughter that wouldn’t speak to her. 

                For a moment, dark eyes found the sun and Nadia squinted, then rubbed her fingers over her warm bare shoulder as she did a quick inventory of the people in the vicinity of them. “I think thinking about the right thing to say is the wrong way to go. Kids can smell a prepared speech a mile away. Just talk, Abby. Like you’re talking to me now. The truth may be hard to hear and accept, but in the end I think she’d appreciate it more.” That was coming from experience. Not in a parent-child relationship, though Nadia felt it still stood. 

                It had all been so much, the last few days. The last week. Hell, the last five years. Especially now with her pregnancy turning up the hormones, making her even more emotional than she was in general. Nadia couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. They were wiped away by her fingers but there was some relief in letting it out. The last thing the brunette wanted was to burden her friend with everything she was going through, it just couldn’t be denied to confess and feel a little lighter. Like some of the weight had been lifted off. Abby’s touch, the squeeze her friend gave to her knees, brought her out of her emotions and back into the conversation at hand. Briefly, Nadia flashed a smile at her friend, just feeling grateful for the support. “Yeah, I know how you and pretty much everyone feels about him —” Her ex was a mess and a half. Which, life was messy, she couldn’t entirely blame him for that. It was just how selfish and careless he was, and the fact that he was a walking disaster that really and truly seemed to want his life to fall apart. It was sad that she was only now waking up to the fact that you really couldn’t save someone, not from themselves. You could support and hold their hand, but they had to make the effort. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I actually looked at adoption or abortion and my stomach turned, like I had a very physical reaction to it. I’m not really ready to have a kid, I’m literally jobless right now.” The thoughts and feelings Nadia had weren’t exactly coherent or fluid, her head was an absolute mess. What she had considered in deciding to open up to Abby was that getting it out, talking to a friend, would help her make sense and find some clarity. She couldn’t blame her fellow brunette’s reaction to it all though. This was one hell of a mess. “No, I’m really not okay, but I also don’t have the choice to fall apart. My family couldn’t really stand Gabriel and I get it now, but my parents will disown me for having a child out of wedlock.” For a moment, her head fell into her hands. A dull ache was throbbing and the mess she was in made her dizzy. Or, that could’ve been the pregnancy too. “Yeah, he did but he only said he loved me because I asked him to. I mean, he was getting laid, wouldn’t they say anything to get a nut at that point?” A dry laugh followed the question. It was a downplay of what had transpired because Nadia felt insecure, that all she was was sex. Not that she had been able to get the many times they seemingly made love that night, along with the fact that he looked her in the fucking eyes when he said it. But, he also held her and was tender and affectionate. “We just met, yeah. Went home with him after like twenty minutes in the bar. I’m mental, aren’t I?”

~

                     Abby drew her brows in closely, her answer a little too simple. She already was bearing everything, but something told Abby that there were still little hints fluttering the surface. Abby was never one to assume, knowing just how dangerous the art of assuming could be. If it was just the act of getting over someone, everyone knew the classic case of getting under someone. Even if that wasn't exactly your forte. But, no, something told her something else was going on here. Not just this sudden pregnancy. Much larger in the grand scheme of things, which only made her heart break a bit more for her friend if she was having that tough of time battling it. She was mending a broken heart. The look on Nadia's face was hidden, but it was telling. She was laughing though, albeit a little dry and lackluster and forced, but Abby moved along with it and shook her head to join in on the attempt at humor. "I doubt he did. I don't think he ever really saw me. He cut me off and didn't speak to me after he deemed I was on the wrong path." Still hasn't... "And that was thirteen years ago, so."

                    She forced the lump in her throat to be swallowed back down. Abby had never been good at tapping into the whole emotional side of it all. Ironically, but that was more when it involved herself. She was good for others but never one to convey it herself. Partially why she deemed herself bound to be a terrible mother before she even learned that she was pregnant with Mia. She was a tough one to understand, often not even understanding herself, and her emotions and thoughts often got warped in the process. Most of the time she simply stepped back and didn't say a single thing despite the words bubbling to the surface. It became easier to just process on her own, but deep down, Abby knew that she needed to step out of her comfort zone and confront the issues that she was having with herself, with her. The task was just now getting Mia to warm up to the ability to do so. "I know you're right. I know that." Abby dialed her tone back down to a whisper, brushing her fingers through her shorter hair idly. "It's just a tough pill to swallow. I'm a complicated woman, but still, I never thought I'd actually be in this situation. I honestly don't think I've even accepted that I'm in the situation I'm in, even if it's been a year of living in a lonely apartment. I know, I know. I need to."                     Her hands moved from the touch to Nadia's knees to the cheekbones now damp with tears. She'd already pushed them away, but Abby took her time in moving the soft pad of her thumb across her skin to clean her up, her affection shown in the gentle way she did so. Abby could literally feel the way her own heart hammered in her chest while watching her friend lay it all on the line; she could only imagine that that big heart in Nadia's chest felt. Now, Abby could be petty and stubborn and mean, but she wasn't about to harp on the guy when Nadia was feeling down. She kept quiet about her opinions on Gabriel by pushing her lips together and keeping her mouth closed. Instead, she scooted her chair just a bit closer to Nadia, crossed her legs, and gently pulled her friend down to snuggle into her shoulder and wrap her palm around her jaw. Her fingertips ghosted across the skin of cheekbones and a nose and the shell of an ear in a comforting fashion, dropping her lips to kiss the top of Nadia's brown head of hair. "The good thing is that you don't have to have it all decided now." Abby began with a little murmur against raven colored locks. "It's crazy to think that you even have to. Life doesn't work that way." It was something that Abby also needed to remind herself. She dropped yet another kiss to the side of Nadia's head but lessened her squeeze in case she wanted to part from the hug, not wanting to smother her nor embarrass her in the public setting, but felt compelled to show a little affection in that moment. She still kept her arm around her though. "Listen, if anyone knows anything about being disowned and knocked up and having no idea what to do, it's me." Abby still thought of herself as lucky. She did have Ben. When her father cast her to the side, took away the fortune to her name, she had someone at the end of the day. It hurt her heart to think that Nadia thought she didn't have anyone herself. "I'm here. I might be a little... Well, not that responsible, but I'm here, okay? You've got your sister and you've got your friends and you've got me. You're going to be okay." Abby lessened her grip once more and allowed Nadia to straighten up if she needed to. Her own hands moved to fix and fiddle with her hair. Exhaling a deep breath, Abby returned to the conversation, but this time came with a kink in her brow. "Eh, I don't know about that, Nadia. Guys would do just about anything to find God between a woman's legs but proclaiming the act of love? That's a little..." She trailed off. "Let's just say that I'm pretty sure if anything scares a guy off more, it's the L word, so, I doubt it was just that." Abby hoped that portrayed what she was trying to confess here. "Do you want to see him again? See more of him?"

[akageesus]

[abigailallen]

castro, miguel.​

Dark eyes moved briefly towards Abigail as she kept on talking. The circle of friends that he had always been around just wasn’t the same. Or maybe he just wasn’t the same, that too had been brought up during his conversations with his mother, who clearly was stepping in for the therapist that he should actually be seeing. But everyone was aware of how fucking cold it would have to get in hell for him to actually seek that help. He was fine, he was. He just needed a couple of more time. Yet he decided to be there with Abs, to try and enjoy this interaction that he had already thought up a couple of exits to. “You could always crash in the spare room that used to be Noa’s room. She’s not going to be using it anytime soon,” Noa had moved out a long time ago, exactly a year and a half ago if he remembered correctly and he had just left that room alone, hell he had left the house alone. The majority of his time was spent in the restaurant he even had his cot set up in his own damn office but that was not something that needed to be disclosed at the moment. “Divorce isn’t cheap from what I have heard,” Miguel had been lucky enough that his best friend that was an attorney that had overlooked the entire process from start to finish free of charge. Guess those were the friends in high places that his mother had always mentioned when growing up, “Run down of your own marriage demise and the whispers of the town? Eh can’t – bartender oath I am afraid…” He trailed off, discreetly amused, “As far as my own Noa and I are officially divorced – and I am not jumping into another relationship anytime soon. Fresh divorce and sleeping or relationships so soon do not ever end well.” He had to work on himself before even going there. More importantly, he needed to fall out of love.

~

                    "Stay in the room of your ex-wife? Oh, no. I’ve met the woman... I enjoy my head being attached to my body. Thanks, but no thanks.” Abby humored him with a joke. It was a nice offer, one that she’d probably take up if she were to ever need it, finding that her new apartment seemed too large and too empty more often than not, but she wasn’t quite needing to dare cross that line and possibly piss off one too many exes. Not that she’d be crossing that line with Miguel, a friend of plenty, but they both seemed to find themselves in awkward and heart wrenching predicaments with those they deemed to be their true love. Sighing, her hand moved to run through her russet colored locks, clenching the ends of them out of habit. “Divorce is extremely expensive. It’s almost like they make it spendy and difficult for a reason.” She laughed, placing humor where it was needed, knowing that it had become a sour topic for the both of them. Abby gave Miguel a face when he pleaded with his non-existent oath but in some days she was thankful for it. The last thing she needed was to hear the rumblings of the gossip mill about her marriage. She was already going through enough and didn’t need to hear anymore judgement about it. “You’re right. I actually disagree with the whole getting under someone else thing, It’s just too messy and, well it doesn’t really work, I don’t think.” Her arms crossed over her chest. What did she know? She was with the same guy that she had met during her early college years. She never had room to try with anyone else, nor had she ever wanted to. “Is that still happening? The divorce? I mean, last I heard from you, they weren’t even signed. That kind of leads me to believe she probably doesn’t want it, either.”