there’s something profoundly intimate and bittersweet about having loved people.
i wore my brown crushed velvet jacket and felt loved because my best friend in said that’s her favorite thing i wear. she’s studying abroad in slovenia right now, i wonder if she’s making plenty of new friends and memories on her own. i hope she is, i’m excited to see her again.
i saw a recipe video for different kinds of sago and it reminded me of a boy i liked in sophomore year of high school whose favorite food was mango sago.
whenever i see beautiful porcelain tea kettles i think back to the only sweet sixteen i’ve ever attended. it was like stepping into the secret garden in the middle of suburban monotony. her home felt like charlotte lucas’s in the film, complete with faded embroidered daybeds and ambient classical music. we even released butterflies in her backyard. apparently it is tradition in her family to gift a tea kettle every birthday, i’ve always wondered what a person could do with so many tea kettles as the years go on. her mother was a professional florist and very apt in her craft, i thought maybe her family really were fairies at one point. i’ve never been to a tea party since, and i miss those butterfly shaped sugar cubes.
every time i drink hojicha i am reminded of one of my closest friends junior year of high school that i haphazardly fell out with only to reconnect with years later. we were so similar that we could discuss for hours on any topic, including teas i hadn’t known about before.
when i drive past the mall in my hometown i wonder still why my best girlfriend from high school one day mysteriously unadded me despite us still occasionally meeting as satellites of the same friend group. did i do something to upset her? i’ll probably never know and i probably won’t ask either, and i’ll never know if she moved from the tiny apartment right behind the mall.
when i see the color of royal purple i remember my first real love. when we first met, he said his favorite color was deep purple. in my mind at the time i thought, how unique, and how fitting this gallant color is to his person.
i’ve always believed in that saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. though these people are never really lost to those who really loved them.
even so, i hope nobody ever sees this blog. some things are better missed.